Objects in the rear view mirror
by Foodwise
Summary: Sequel to 'Mistakes', officially now regardless of what the author's note inside says. Changed my mind. Warning: Major character death! A life-changing event drives Eli away from Vegas.
1. One night changed all that mattered

**CSI:LV, M, Drama/Hurt/Comfort, Eli Trent/Sara Sidle/Sofia Curtis**

**Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis, and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment not monetary purposes. Original characters, and this story, are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended.**

**A/N: This is an AU sequel to 'Mistakes'. It is to be taken seriously, but I assure you there will be another, a real continuation of 'Mistakes'. A lighter one, since this is going to be angsty and dark. There will be a major character death and eventually femslash, so please note that before you start reading. You can slay me in the reviews, if you like, for what I'm going to do here...**

**Once again, I apologize in advance for my improvable knowledge of the English language. Though I sincerely hope my continuing efforts in getting a better grasp at the subtleties start to show.**

**Okay, now be prepared. We jump right into the deep end...**

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><p><strong>Objects in the rear view mirror<strong>

Sofia was simply not strong enough to break Eli's fall. Groaning under the weight of the taller woman, trying to grab her under the arms and support her at least a bit she sank her teeth into her lower lip to smother the cry that would have marked her reaction to what had just been said and she slid beside her best friend onto the grey linoleum floor that reeked of bleach, while her lip split and the taste of iron triggered the overflow of the tears that had just waited for their moment to start falling.

The ceiling fan's monotonous swooshing, its blades casting eerie shadows enlarged by the harsh neon lighting, the shuffling of feet away from them, she didn't know where to look, what to hear, how to react. She just clung to Eli for dear life, a life that had just lost so much of its meaning.

Everything around Eli had faded. All she could hear was the blood rushing through her ears. Faintly she felt arms being wrapped around her and someone tried to smother their sobs in a vain attempt to be strong for her, but their tears were wetting the fabric of Eli's shirt at the shoulder and the grip around her became painfully tight.

She just stared blankly ahead, at the wall, its colour might have many years ago been an attempt at a joyful yellow, now it was stained with the sandish grey tone of too many desert winds that must've swept through these hallways and a reminder of times where it was allowed to smoke in here, the impressions of hospital bed corners, and the traces of the many people who might've bumped into these walls over the years. Or who might've slid down on them. Like she just had.

Harshly Eli struggled against the arms that held her with the need to get out of their suffocating embrace, no one could be touching her now. She simply ignored the pain-filled gasp as she elbowed herself free and staggered unbalanced to her feet and with a nausea she knew she'd never get rid of for the rest of her life, she stumbled towards the door that led to the stairwell, desperately trying to force some air into her lungs, to at least be able to breathe to make it out. Out, just out, she was driven by the desperate need to get out of there.

Finally in the open, Det. Eli Trent sank down onto a stretch of damp and cold grass in the small park behind Desert Palms Hospital and let the darkness of the desert night engulf her.

She couldn't feel anything apart from that nausea that made her gag. She felt nothing. A hollow shell, robbed of every ability to contain any human emotion. Empty.

She squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her jaw, teeth grinding mercilessly. But not a single tear escaped her. She couldn't feel.

Why didn't she feel anything?

She should be screaming, sobbing, punching the walls, curse the heavens above for this.

Yet Eli just sat here, the moisture from the ground slowly drenching the bottom of her simple jeans that had been closest to her bed as the call had reached her, the cold breeze ghosting over her bare arms and she didn't even freeze. Didn't even shiver.

She patted her pockets for cigarettes and her Zippo, lit up with frighteningly steady hands and inhaled deeply. But the familiar rasp in the back of her throat just wouldn't come. She took another long drag and still nothing.

Ripping out a handful of grass she held it up to her nose and sniffed, waiting for the smell she'd loved ever since she could remember to make it through to her brain. She didn't smell a thing. she thre the blades of grass into the wind and watching how they were seemingly floating in the air for a few inches, then wafted down onto the cracked concrete pavement of the walkway surrounding the patch of green she was sitting on.

The first drops of rain got caught in the little hairs on her forearms that were slung around her legs. The next few joined them and soon rivers of droplets ran down her arms, then it came pouring down, wetness soaking her shirt and jeans, slowly permeating the canvas of her sneakers and letting her hair cling to her head.

Still she couldn't feel it, she just watched the whole process in bewildered astonishment.

With both my hands Eli shielded the next cigarette from the intensity of the downpour. And the next.

She registered someone calling out to her, begging in a pleading voice that she should get up and back inside, but the words couldn't set her into motion.

When determined hands gripped her shoulders and shook her, she shrugged them off. As they tried again, she shoved them away forcefully.

Sofia stepped hurriedly off grass and a few paces away from Eli. She couldn't stop the choking sobs that racked her body now, helplessly watching her friend deny her support, her care, soaked to the bone as she was but oblivious to the fact just as seemed to be to the cold. Lt. Sofia Curtis however trembled all over, her teeth clattered and her tears had yet to stop falling. If only she knew what to do. Her own pain and grief were just barely endurable, she couldn't even imagine what Eli would be feeling. What the woman was going through.

She made one last effort to reach out to Eli, crouched down beside her, touching her arm tentatively and was immediately pushed away so aggressively that she landed flat on her ass on the wet ground. Crying even harder than before, she scooted away, out of the shadowed circle of darkness and violence that seemed to have settled around Eli.

For Eli, there was simply no reason to get back inside, no reason to go anywhere, no reason to ever move again. And certainly no reason to react to anyone. She was alone now anyway.

But the pack was almost empty, so at one point she would have to get going. She wondered how many packs you could buy with 37 million dollars. Her head automatically started doing the math. About 740,000. She wondered how much of those she would have to smoke until she'd get terminally ill. Before the cancer would claim her body and she'd be wasting away.

She stretched her legs, noting the pins and needles but she rose effortlessly nonetheless and walked down the path that led towards the dimly lit parking lot, gusts of wind carried heavy raindrops and the street lamps started to flicker every few seconds.

She could hear someone yell, scream behind her as she unlocked the driver's side door, but just ignored them again, and as soon as she was seated, she let the Impala's engine roar to life with an impressive sound, effectively shutting out any noises that came from outside the car and with screeching tires she backed out of the parking space and swerving around the person who was now trying to get in the way she headed through the gate and pulled into traffic.

The stereo was blaring and on the passenger seat were four new packs Lucky Strike's, a sixpack of Heineken and a couple of energy drinks as Eli drove out into the desert, leaving the city, the lights and _her_ behind.

The nausea remained.

She headed west, deeper into the night, away from the first hints of the silver lining along the horizon behind her that announced that a new day was going to arrive soon. There wasn't going to be a new day for Eli Trent. The darkness that had grown inside of her was impenetrable, permanently tainting every ray of sun that'd ever reach her eyes again.

She pressed the gas pedal into the floorboard and catapulted the powerful and already dangerously fast running car forward on the dusty freeway as the first tear betrayed her previous numbness and left a wet and salty trail as it rolled down her cheek.

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><p><strong>TBC?<strong>


	2. Family ties

**I so couldn't leave it at that... ****And honestly, I had expected some flames. But I take the lack of reaction as encouragement to give you some more to think about and maybe, just maybe you will have something to say. **

**On that note, BTW, is the freakin' review button broken, or what? I had the ****MOST HITS EVER in one day when I uploaded the final two chapters of my last story and- Nothing! Nada, Null... **

**I know, a lot of people have moved on to other fandoms and other shows and I'm almost tempted to write Rizzoli & Isles just to see whether the response would be more gratifying, but I'm stuck with CSI and I still love its characters. The show not so much anymore, the season finale was utter rubbish. Seriously, who wrote that? They'd never, ever do something like that! Aw, darn... Anyway, please, you do take the time to read chapter upon chapter, so you might as well spare a few seconds and comment. **

**It's really, really appreciated...**

**On a second note:**

**Yes, I did kill off Sara Sidle. I know, I know, it's almost a crime, in fact, it was a crime, and she is my favourite character, too, but she will appear throughout the story in numerous flashbacks if everything goes as planned. **

**So, let's take a deep breath and go on with it...**

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><p><strong>2. Family ties<strong>

"Sofia."

Captain Jim Brass was carefully approaching the slim figure that had been soaked to the bone by the rain, calling out to her tentatively to not startle her.

Sofia stood stock still in the parking lot, frozen to the spot even after Trent's car had been out of sight and earshot for minutes and the rain had subsided. She had wrapped her arms tightly around herself and was crying silently now, the cold tears of sorrow now mixed with hot ones of the anger and frustration and fears about the woman she'd called her best friend for the last two and a half years.

Who had denied Sofia to comfort her, had refused even the slightest touch and had almost run her over on her desperate way to get out of this place, away from her lover's body that lay lifeless on the operating table.

As if it wasn't hard enough having just lost one friend to the dangers of the job, seeing Eli like that, fractured, crumbling to pieces on the inside but her face a stoic mask that showed no emotion broke her heart all over again.

"Sophie, please, let me take you inside, you need to warm up."

Her mentor's much too thin voice still didn't prepare her for what she saw as she forced herself to turn and looked into his red-rimmed eyes. It was the desperation of someone who had just lost a close member of his family, someone he loved dearly and without restrictions. Jim Brass was heart-broken, too. Every line on his face seemed to have etched itself even deeper, his mouth a thin line, his suit wrinkled.

Still he held himself straight and the little warmth that was left in his grief-stricken blue eyes was all the comfort he could offer her right now, that she knew.

She gazed up into the sky, where the clouds just broke and on a newly revealed patch of dark blue sky a few stars appeared, visible despite the luminance that always hung over Vegas at night. Sofia Curtis wasn't a religious person, yet she couldn't help but send a quick prayer towards whatever heaven or deity there might be. And hoped that it indeed existed, that better place so many people believed in.

"Lieutenant, come here."

She exhaled, as Brass pulled her into his arms as she reached him. The contrast of addressing her so formally and then pulling her into a heart-felt, yet a little awkward embrace was so typical for him. That's why she was all the more surprised at his next words.

"Even if I might sound way too much like Gil, let travelers embark their journey, Sophie. I know you worry about her, I do, too, but I think Trent just needs a little space. She'll come back."

He brushed a streak of wet hair out of her contorted face in the most gentle gesture and her tears spilled over again, she'd never thought he'd even be capable of something like that. She closed her eyes and sobbed silently into Jim Brass shoulder, who squinted his eyes and looked to the side, losing the battle with his own tears that dared to fall. He cleared his throat and swallowed hard.

"Come on, let's go inside. You're drenched, I'll get you a hot coffee."

She let herself be dragged back inside, her heavy legs carrying her reluctantly over the wet pavement and her glance flickered back to the parking lot again and again.

She didn't want to go back inside. She didn't want to be confronted with more tear-stained faces, more questions, more mournful words, more pain and sadness.

Yet the following hours did go by in a blur of tears, questions, broken gazes and helpless looks. She had never seen the members of the grave shift so utterly united like in these hours. United by their loss. Sofia had always known that despite the often occurring conflicts, they understood each other as family. And now this family was one precious member short and it glued them even closer together and erased all recent animosities.

Ecklie had immediately let days and swing take over for at least that night. Even he didn't expect any one of them to work through this tragedy.

She just sat huddled in a corner, her LVPD sweater almost dried, her third terrible coffee from the vending machine around the corner in her hand, her split lip burning with every sip she took. The chatter and even laughter that reached her ear from the nurses desk annoyed her, it took her a lot of self restraint not to strut over to them and slam her hand down on their damn counter, reminding them of what had just taken place. She couldn't wait to get out of this place.

As her mobile vibrated against her leg she almost dropped the cup to the floor in the frantic effort to retrieve it in the quickest way, but instantly deflated as she noted that it wasn't Eli's number that blinked insistently on the touch screen.

Her anger increased even more and for a second she felt compelled just to throw the offending and not cooperating object against the wall and watch it shatter to pieces.

But instead her shoulders sagged in defeat and she picked up.

"Curtis." She flatly spoke.

"Hello Sofia, I am sorry to bother you, but I just got the voicemail Catherine has left me." His voice quivered and he sounded just as hopeless as she felt.

"And now I can't reach her, she doesn't answer her cell."

He left the ultimate question unspoken.

"Catherine is here, Leonard, as are all the guys and Brass. And yes, she died on the operating table about three hours ago."

It was the first time she had said the words aloud. She'd forever be grateful to Cath that she'd done the talking to the boys, since Grissom was still in the ER, getting an MRI for his concussion and his arm and side patched up where some of the many bullets had grazed him as well.

"Leonard?" He hadn't spoken and Sofia wondered if he'd hung up on her.

"Yeah, I'm still here." His voice cracked and Sofia could tell he was crying. It was a strange image, thinking of the man who always appeared happy, who always had a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, now in tears and his voice strained and sorrowful.

Images whirred through her mind, pictures only a few weeks old.

_Leonard in a creme-coloured tailcoat, a big fat smile plastered on his face__, Eli at his side in a light brown, form-fitting three piece suit, looking oddly proud at her best friend while she turned the little black satin box in her hands nervously again and again. _

_She had been sitting in the front row beside Sara, who couldn't seem to take her eyes off her girlfriend for even a second. As her gaze met Eli's she unconsciously fiddled with a ring on her right ring finger that Sofia hadn't noticed before. It was a simple greyish band, she suspected platinum with an inlayed diamond. She took a closer look and found that Eli wore the same ring, hers was a little wider and she couldn't see a stone, but it was obvious what must have __had taken place not very long ago, since she couldn't recall having seen either Sara or Eli wear rings before._

_She grinned to herself and just then, the string quartet picked up their bows and softly started playing._

_The first to walk down the aisle was Lindsey, in a beautiful shoulder-free dress matching the colour of Eli's suit. She carried the bridal bouquet and another velvet box similar to the one in Eli's hands._

_Taking her place at the other side in front __of the minister after pecking Leonard on the cheek and giving Eli a short warm hug, she looked so proud and content and amazingly mature. _

_Then all heads turned to the back of the chapel, waiting for Catherine to make her entrance._

_Sofia inhaled sharply and heard Sara do the same beside her as Catherine came into view._

_Arm in arm with Grissom, admittedly looking the most handsome she'd ever seen him in his tuxedo that again had the same light brown tone as the bridesmaid's dress and 'man' of honour's suit, Catherine was simply stunningly beautiful._

_O__hs and Aws were muttered all around._

_Catherine wore a pastel-peach coloured wedding gown with a short trail, knee long at the front, strapless in a kind of corset style, tight around her upper body, and flowing from her waist down. A silk and lace dream, understated and simple enough, yet unique with the flower embroidery on the front and the fluffy material of the tail. Her hair lay in ringlets, she wore pearl earrings and not too high heels the same colour as her dress and already seemed to have a hard time holding back some tears._

_She could see how hard Leonard clenched his jaw and as Grissom put Catherine's hand in his with an assuring and pleased smile before he stepped aside and took a place __next to Lindsey, Len mouthed what looked like 'You're so beautiful' to Cath and the love that oozed from them easily spread through the whole room. _

Lost in her memories of that day, Sofia had almost forgotten about Leonard on the other end of the line and flinched as he suddenly spoke again.

"How is Eli holding up? Are you taking care of her, Sofia? She needs someone she trusts. Someone who knows her. She needs you to make it through this."

This time it was her turn to answer with silence.

"Sofia?" Leonard's voice was dangerously close to sobbing now and a hint of fear and suspicion swung in it.

"Please tell me that Eli is safe."

The additional desperation in his tone tore at what little composure Sofia had just managed to rebuilt. Her eyes watered up again and she rubbed her free palm vigorously over sore eyes.

"I can't, Leonard. I tried, believe me, I did, but she just left. Took off without even so much as a word, a tear, any kind of reaction. I'm sorry..."

"Aw, fuck!" He cursed into the line.

"I'm coming back. I'll take the next flight out in the morning."

"No, please stay in Frisco in case she's headed there."

"But Cath..."

"The guys, her and me will take care of each other. No one is going to be alone in this. Please, wait at least until we hear anything from her. I just hope she doesn't wind herself around a tree. I don't think she was in any kind of state to drive at all."

Leonard groaned at all the images that flooded his brain. Oh God, please, let her be safe, let her be careful, don't let her do something stupid or reckless.

"Okay, I'll stay put. Just tell Cath to call me as soon as she finds the time. And Sofia?"

"Yeah?"

"You take care, okay?"

"I will."

"I'll call you if I hear anything."

"I'll do that, too."

"Good. Good-bye, Lieutenant."

Open-mouthed, Sofia let out a long and shaky breath.

When did she become the one who was supposed to take care of Eli in Leonard's eyes? She knew that it wasn't just because he wasn't present, it was because Eli and Leonard had had a fall-out a couple of months ago and were still not on the best of terms, despite their almost a decade long deep and trusting friendship.

She would never forget the hard look that crossed Eli's face again and again, surely without her permission but she seemed she simply couldn't help it, as she tried to fill her role as best man at Catherine's and Leonard's wedding in the best fashion she could muster. She remembered that Eli had danced with the bride, but not with the groom. She remembered how she had dragged Eli off to the dancefloor after overhearing how Leonard said to Catherine he didn't even know why he'd asked her to do him that honour in the first place to stop Eli knocking back Bourbon after Bourbon. Sara had had the bad luck to be on call for the night along with Nick, and both had been called in right after the ceremony, so it was up to her to take care of her friend.

A grim expression settled on her face as she recalled what had happened as she had taken a Eli that had drunken herself almost delirious home later that night. She'd caught a glimpse of how Eli must've behaved when she was young. They had to walk down the strip a couple of blocks to fetch a taxi that was free and Eli wolf-whistled after good-looking women, flirted with the girl behind the counter in the shop where Sofia had bought aspirin and some water, had almost gotten into a fight with a man who wasn't very amused about her come-on's towards his girlfriend and had even tried flirting with Sofia herself all the way home in the cab.

But the moment Sara had opened their door, she'd been back already and Sofia was more than grateful for her unexpected presence, Eli had softened instantly, had all but fallen into her love's arms and sobbed like a child while Sara held her and whispered soothing words into her ear. Over Eli's shoulder she had thanked Sofia with a glance that left no room for misinterpretation.

She had left stunned and in awe of the connection the two women shared. Amazed at what just one look from Sara could do to Eli. Confirming her suspicions that despite how it appeared from the outside, it wasn't Eli who was the stronger one. It was Sara.

A soft touch to her shoulder took her out of her reverie. Catherine glanced down at her, her eyes bloodshot and swollen, her body language conveying that the adrenaline that must have kept her up and running and made her seem like the most collected of all of them over the last couple of hours after the initial shock was slowly wearing off.

"Sofia, we're about to leave. They set Grissom up in a private room for observation for another day, his concussion is quite severe and he's lost quite some blood from the through and through to his arm. The guys crave a drink but I just want to go home. I don't want you to be alone tonight and frankly, I don't think I'd be able to sleep no matter how exhausted I'm feeling right now. Would you like to come over, I'd make us some real coffee. I know you won't sleep until you hear from Eli."

It was strange how their relationship had changed over the past years. After their teaming up to bring Eli and Sara closer together again, they'd had a short phase when they avoided each other like the plague, but since Catherine was with Leonard and Sofia had truly become close friends with Eli and bit by bit with Sara, they'd spent countless evenings together as a circle of friends, along with Greg most of the time. BBQ'ing and swimming in Catherine's backyard, dinner's at Eli and Sara's, little trips out to Lake Meade with Lindsey in the summer.

What had Eli said? 'We're a large, slightly dysfunctional yet loving and caring patchwork family. Everyone has their purpose.'

Taking one last longing look at her cell and knowing that Catherine was right, she wouldn't be able to close even half an eye until she could be sure Eli was at least somewhere safe, she shrugged and agreed to keep Catherine company. And if she was being honest, she couldn't really stand the thought of being alone right now, too.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading and I promise, there'll be less rambling in the next chapter...<strong>


	3. Plans and precautions

**First of all, I know I've been complaining a lot about the lack of reviews, but in the end it _is_ about the stories and about me loving to write them and I'm thrilled each time I look at the stats and see just how many people are reading. So thank you! With a special thanks to those few precious reviewers! Keep doing that, you make my day...**

**It's difficult, this one. I have obviously set a kinda high standard in the first two chapters and I can only hope I can live up to the expectations that might bring along in chapters to come. Tell me should I be starting to slack off.**

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><p><strong>3. Plans and precautions<strong>

_"Love?"_

_Sara groaned and threw __one arm over her eyes as she slowly woke, pulling the dark blue satin cover up to her chin._

_"Morning, __Sar." Eli's soft low voice reached her ears. "I've been called in. Listen, there's half of a big omelet in the oven and the coffee is fresh. Just give me a kiss and you can go back to sleep until it's time for you, too."_

_Sara lowered her arms and blinked at the smiling woman that stood bent above her._

_A ray of bright afternoon sunlight fell through a crack between the curtains and __illuminated Eli's face from the side, casting one half of her face in shadow while the other half almost glowed, letting her else so very dark eyes shine in an almost hazel tone. She was dressed and appeared ready to leave, tight dark jeans, dress-shirt and...  
><em>

_"You're wearing a tie."_

_Eli laughed and rolled her eyes. She'd never get over just how utterly adorable Sara was when she just woke up. Even when she was grumpy, she looked cute._

_She replied in a casual tone._

_"Good morning to you, too, Eli__. Did you get some sleep before the phone went off?- why, yes, I did, love, but not nearly enough, I wish I could've stayed wrapped around you in bed for like, forever..."_

_Sara scoffed, reached up, wrapped the__ black tie that dangled down from the collar of Eli's grey shirt in a quick motion around her hand and pulled her girlfriend into a deep and affectionate kiss._

_"Good morning, sweetness. __I'm sorry." Sara held on to the tie, keeping Eli close. "Wow, that thing comes in handy. Should keep that in mind."_

_She smirked up at Eli and __tugged a bit more again, crushing her lips against her girlfriend's once more in a heated kiss._

_"Aw, I just ironed that like ten minutes ago..."__ Eli huffed as they parted, her lower lip pushed forward._

_"Oh, shush or I'll tie you to the bed with it and send Sofia a picture with a text explaining your being late."_

_Eli grinned devilishly._

_"Bet she wouldn't mind it then at all..."_

_Sara glared at Eli but the subtle curving of her lips gave her amusement away._

_"You and her, that's a friendship I've tried for years not to think too much about. You guys are way too close..."_

_Smiling, Eli sat down at the edge of the mattress and caressed her lover's face._

_"I love you, Waves. I'll tell her you said hi, okay? And I'm not going to tell you what Greg suggested the other day. But I almost choked on my sandwich and Fia spluttered her coffee all over the table."_

_Sara sat up and leaned back against the headboard, now more than awake._

_She squinted her eyes at Eli._

_"What did he say with that dirty mouth of his?"_

_"He said that since you and Sofia get along so well __for quite some time now, we should consider exploring our long hidden common desires."_

_Sara's eyes widened and she gasped quietly._

_"He did not suggest..." she started and Eli grinned and nodded._

_"Yeah, he did. Then his eyes got all glassy and I threw an apple at him. A very fresh and firm green apple. I'm quite positive it left a bump."_

_"That's my woman." Sara grinned at the image and pulled Eli in for another kiss._

_"Sofia said the same."_

_"She did not!"__ Sara exclaimed._

_"She did. Except she said 'That's my girl.' and we high fived."_

_Sara snickered and gently ran her hand through Eli's __locks. She knew some girlfriends wouldn't like the intensity of Eli and Sofia's friendship, but she respected their closeness and was often amused by their playful banter and how much they cared about each other. And she honestly liked the blonde and her quirky sense of humour._

_"Take care at work."__ She whispered before pecking Eli on the lips._

_"Always do."_

_"Love you."_

_"I love you, too."_

_Eli straightened and adjusted and flattened her abused tie, then grinned goofily._

_"Two months, Sara."_

_The brunette sank back into the cushions and sighed while __smiling at her lover who beamed with excitement._

_"Yes, Eli. Two months."_

_But she couldn't help but __grin herself as she thought about the date they had set._

_Eli pushe__d her shirt-sleeve up to take a quick look at her watch. Yeah, she could spare ten more minutes._

_Much to Sara's surprise Eli lifted the covers a__nd crawled beside her into bed, facing Sara and staring at her earnestly._

_"Shouldn't you be rushing to work?" She asked half amused, half surprised._

_But as Eli's hand __brushed over her front and found its way to the insides of her thighs and short fingernails gently scratched along the sensitive skin, she found her bewilderment vanish into thin air._

_"Sweetness?"_

_"Shhh!"_

_Nimble fingers worked her panties down her legs and all the while Eli simply gazed into her eyes, infinite love shining in her warm dark brown orbs._

_Sara held her breath and her eyes snapped shut at Eli's first touch to her center. She felt lips close around her earlobe and gentle sucking as Eli bur__ied her fingers deep inside her, catching her a bit by surprise._

_Then __more whispering._

_"I've __come to a decision about something and I deny you the right to object."_

_Another strong and deep __thrust punctuated the statement ._

_"__And yes, I am really sure."_

_Another finger was added and Sara moaned loudly, trying to wrap her__ mind around what was happening, her stomach tightening with arousal and her mind trying to guess what Eli could be talking about._

_"Say you will agree."_

_Another strong thrust. __Lately Eli had rarely taken the lead in their lovemaking so Sara felt all the more turned on as Eli did it now so effortlessly. The pace increased considerably with Eli's next words._

_"Say it, Sara, say you'll agree." _

_By now, she panted and writhed under Eli's firm and well-directed strokes._

_"I don't even know what I'll be agreeing to."__ She ground out between groans of pleasure, the part of her mind that wondered slowly but surely overruled by pleasure._

_Eli chuckled and licked over the shell of Sara's ear, making her shudder fiercely._

_"That's the tricky part for you, I know."_

_She was close now, so damn close__, so fucking fast._

_"Say it. Throw caution in the wind and say it."_

_She felt the distinct tingle in her lower belly announcing the beginning of her release and she tightened around __those amazingly talented fingers and each thrust felt tenfold._

_Gasping for breath as Eli suddenly stopped all __movement, she growled and her eyes flew open, drinking in the smug smile and the desire on most prominent display on her lover's face._

_"Yes, yes, I agre__e, just let me..."_

_The last word got swallowed in a passionate kiss and Eli slowly fell back into rhythm __while her lips wandered over Sara's skin back to her ear._

_As the first massive wave of her orgasm washed over her, she heard Eli utter in the most loving and proud tone she'd ever heard her use._

_"I want your name, Sara Sidle. __Because I'm going to be your wife, your lover, your partner, yours to have and to hold. I want everyone to know who it is I belong with when we come back from Cali and I'll no longer be Det. Trent, but Det. Sidle. I. Adore. You."_

_Sara was caught in the moment, couldn't believe her ears, couldn't __breathe, couldn't speak or react as Eli crouched down, brought her mouth and tongue into the game and seconds later she screamed out as wave upon wave carried her further out into that ocean of bliss than she'd ever been. _

_She begged and pleaded Eli to stop, that she couldn't take any more, she felt like she'd burst from the inside out of this continued just one more second, but Eli didn't relent, held her down so strongly with just one arm and drew the moment out, relishing in the loudest yell she'd ever heard being ripped from her lover's lungs and drowned in the amazing taste of Sara still coming all over her face. _

_As she finally slowed to a stop and Sara slumped into the sheets, __still trembling but ultimately spent and convulsing in a series of aftershocks Eli just lifted her head and watched, enthralled, bewitched._

_She__ almost didn't recognise her own voice, it was hoarse and sounded faraway and so very foreign in her own ears._

_"You are amazing. You've got all this power over me that I don't even dare to describe. I've never heard or felt or seen anything so stunningly beautiful as you when you come. And this was beyond all comprehension."_

_With weak arms, Sara reached out and pulled Eli on top of her, grounding herself by feeling the weight of her fiancé pressing her into the mattress, burying her fingers deep in the wild locks that had grown to a length that she loved seeing on Eli._

_"Wow!" She breathed out. "That was unbelievable, I didn't even know this was possible, I thought I wouldn't survive."_

_Eli cupped her face and kissed her so softly, so adoringly that she felt her chest constrict once again._

_"I love you."_

_"You really want to take on my name?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"But your family, your name has a history. And mine..."_

_"And I don't care about any of that. My mom will understand. She'll understand because she loves me. And she loves you, too, Sar. It'll be just like we joked about. One day I'll be Captain Eli Sidle. Aw, come on, I know, somewhere well hidden, deep inside of you, you do like the thought. Fess up."_

_Sara wriggled out from underneath Eli and a wide, gap-toothed and utterly smug grin took possession of her features._

_"I love it."_

_Pleased__, Eli snickered at the sight._

_"Waves, I really gotta go now."_

_"I don't want you to. I want my turn." Sara almost whined. So untypical..._

_"You can have me-" Eli brought her wrists together watching Sara's eyes go wide. "-_any_ way you see fit in the morning. Tie me up, spank me, tease me, cover me with candle wax, make me beg and scream, mark me with your teeth, your nails, anything you want to use on me and then fuck me, Sara. Fuck me hard and thorough, fuck me senseless, my love. I'm yours."_

_The heat in Sara's gaze and the hitch in her breath made Eli's skin tingle in anticipation._

_They had long stopped worrying about the way their sexual relationship had developed, yet still every time Eli used words to show __Sara that fairly submissive side of herself, she knew Sara's mind spun and it turned her on beyond belief. Every time Eli said 'I'm yours' it almost made her girlfriend lose her mind. Every time they pushed each other further towards certain limits, it was spectacular. _

_Then she felt a sharp sting on her backside._

_"God, Eli! You _cannot_ say things like that and then leave! Have you gone completely insane?"_

_S__he paused and eyed Eli mischievously._

_"Well, since you have to change anyway, I wouldn't suggest you go to work with the smell of sex all over you, strip!"_

_Eli looked at her staggered._

_As Sara practically growled the last word again, Eli jumped off the bed and started loosening her tie and pulled it over her head, unbuttoned her shirt und took it off, then unbuckled her belt, ripped it out of the loops before popping the buttons of her jeans open one by one and shimmied out of them, every action supervised by Sara never digressing eyes.  
><em>

_"Everything but the bra and socks!" Sara demanded in a tone that was strictly reserved for the bedroom. Or at least for bedroom activities, wherever they took place sometimes._

_Eli acquiesced and was seconds away from picking up the phone and cal__ling Sofia that she'd be late, very late as Sara stood up, pulled her panties back up and sauntered over to her._

_Sara let her gaze wander over Eli's body, then her hand slowly followed the path of her eyes._

_It was a fleeting touch, she knew she couldn't keep Eli away from work for as long as she wanted, but she could make it a work-day to remember for Eli._

_So she kissed her lover softly and went over to the dresser, sorting through Eli's clothes. She picked out a dark blue shirt and threw it in Eli's direction._

_"Really, Sara? That is one of my best shirts." She remarked, glancing over at Sara._

_"I know. It's actually my favourite. I'll be looking forward to undress you even more in the morning knowing you're wearing it. It looks so damn good on you."_

_Eli grinned and slipped into the shirt that hugged her once again well trained frame almost like a second skin, leaving the top two buttons open._

_Sara gave her a very appreciative once over._

_"Now get back into those jeans."_

_Eli stared back at Sara in shock._

_"What?" She shrieked. "You're going to make me go commando today? After- after what just happened? Do you have any idea how-"_

_With three quick steps Sara stood in front of her and without any warning two of her digits found their way between Eli's legs._

_"Oh, I do have a very vivid idea."_

_And as sudden as they'd appeared, they were gone again._

_"You'll think about me all evening and all night, sweetness."_

_"You're evil!"_

_"And you're so horny right now."_

_Eli reluctantly lifted her jeans up from the floor and put them on again, throwing Sara a defiant look._

_"The things I do for you..."_

_"The things I'm going to do to you if you behave."_

_"Tease!"_

_"Get dressed, y__ou're late."_

_"You go and explain to my Lieutenant why I'll be so uncomfortable sitting down tonight."_

_"It'll be my pleasure." Sara snickered, knowing no one would ever gain knowlegde about this little inconvinience she was determined to out Eli through. Not even Sofia.  
><em>

_Eli retrieved her shoes and groaned as she crouched down to tie the laces. Too much friction, those jeans were new and tight. _

_"I __really can't wait to undress you again."_

_The leering __look Sara threw her wasn't making the longing Eli felt any better._

_"You're a bit of a bitch sometimes." Eli growled._

_Sara smirked and licked her lips, hoping that Eli wasn't really angry with her for that move._

_"You're so sexy when you're angry with me."_

_"I'll show you angry!"_

_"Kiss me, Lilith."_

_With another deep growl, Eli picked Sara up and took full possession of her mouth and __kissed her with fervor and all the lust she would have to suppress for roughly the next 14 hours._

_"Tell me again why I'm doing these things for you?"_

_"Because you love me bossy, sweetness."_

* * *

><p><em>"Sofia?"<em>

_Without looking up, Sofia sighed._

_"__Took you long enough. I called you, what, like one and a half hours ago."_

_Eli stepped into the Lieutenant's office._

_"I'm sorry. I- I had a little announcement to make. It took longer than I'd anticipated._

_Guessing what kind of longer Eli was talking about, Sofia shook her head._

_"And that announcement couldn't have waited til after shift?"_

_Finally lifting her gaze off the stack of paperwork in front of her, Sofia had to blink twice as she took in Eli's appearance._

_"Holy shit! What-"_

_Eli held up a hand to stop her friend._

_"Don't even ask."_

_"What the hell did you to that she made you wear _that_ shirt to work?"_

_"I said don't ask."_

_Sofia grinned and motioned zipping her mouth close and Eli glared at her sourly._

_"So w__here do you want me, Fia?"_

_"Close the door, lock it and draw the blinds."_

_"What?" _

_Sofia tried to suppress her laughter but failed miserably. She cocked her head to the side and tried to sound as serious as she could manage.  
><em>

_"You asked where I wanted you. I want you sprawled on my desk, Eli Trent, you look hot as hell. But not with the door wide open and the blinds up, silly."_

_Eli rolled her eyes at her now smugly grinning friend._

_"In your dreams, Curtis. Stop mocking me."_

_Sofia feigned a huge pout._

_"Awww..."_

_"When is this teasing ever gonna end, Fia?"_

_"When I'm in a relationship again."_

_"Yeah, like that did stop you last time around. I vividly remember Amber turning all shades of green when you called me honey, patted my backside and 'danced' with me the one time we went out together."_

_She raised her eyebrows at her widely grinning superior._

_"That was a great dance."_

_Eli bent over Sofia's desk and braced herself with her palms resting flat on the surface, offering Sofia quite a nice look right down her shirt. Just as she'd suspected, her friend's eyes darted into the anticipated direction before jumping back up to meet her victorious and amused grin._

_"That wasn't a dance, I'd have called it foreplay if we'd been together."_

_"I didn't hear any obligations coming from you. And by the way, I can't deny that since you've just proven your point very impressively, I can acknowledge that you're a striking woman, stunning some days-" Smugly grinning, she pretended eyeing the expanse of cleavage Eli was showing off once again. "-and can still be your best friend."_

_Eli straightened up again and crossed her arms in front of her chest._

_"If you weren't I'd have slapped you for that last glance..."_

_Pushing her office chair back, Sofia smiled._

_"Thank goodness I am."_

_"Yeah, you are indeed."_

_A moment of silence followed until Eli let her arms fall down at her sides and sighed._

_"I told her I was going to take on her name."_

_Sofia stopped mid-motion on her way around the desk._

_"So you've decided."_

_"There was no decision to be made. I wouldn't want it any other way."_

_"There's gonna be a lot of talk in the Department when you come back and everyone will have to call you Detective Sidle."_

_She weighed her head from side to side while she scrutinized Eli, who nodded, but beamed with glee._

_"Wow, that actually sounds quite nice. Detective Sidle."_

_"It does, doesn't it? God, Sofia, I can't wait. When did I become so sentimental? Marriage!"_

_Sofia looked up at the ceiling and shook her head vigorously, murmuring to herself._

_'Gosh, how can one person be _so_ whipped.'_

_Then, louder._

_"Because you're so much in love with Sara, you'd do anything. And I'm afraid marriage is going to suit you. Both. Weird as it seems. Sara. You. Married. God, give me a hug, woman. Am I going to be your, what, 'best woman'? I'm so not calling it maid of honour, I want the rings, not the bouquet."_

_Eli embraced Sofia and laughed._

_"The hardest decision yet. Leonard or you. I want you both. We'll see, Sophie."_

_"I understand. I love you anyways. Now let go of me, we've got work to do."_

* * *

><p>Eli tried to push the memories aside, taking large gulps from a beer bottle. She'd been so very, very happy. So happy.<p>

But it was over.

She'd never get to go to California to get married on a warm September day in the backyard of her mother's mansion. She'd never get to see Sara walking down the aisle to Eva Cassidy's version of 'Songbird'. She'd never get to say 'Yes, I do.'. She'd never get that first kiss, that first dance as a married woman. Married to the love of her life. She'd never get to sign those official papers with a different surname.

For as long as we both shall live...

Forever cut short by five bullets.

Forever cut short by an Officer who'd done a devastatingly crappy job clearing a scene, too nervous and distracted to even think straight because his girlfriend was in labour and he had to work through the arrival of his firstborn.

Now he lay on a gurney, too. For having made a fucking Rookie mistake.

Forever cut short by an automatic weapon that spit death at the rate of 120 bullets per minute.

She'd seen Catherine cry helplessly, had seen the desperate look in Grissom's eyes as he was being wheeled into the ER, crushed by the weight of the knowledge that he'd come out of the shooting with almost minimal injuries while Sara had already been on that operating table and two people had already died. Had felt Sofia's lingering presence beside her outside the swing doors that led to the ER's, had seen just how much the smaller woman tried to keep it together, to be there for her. Had seen it in the blonde's eyes that she'd cast her own pain away, that she'd catch her, that she'd do anything and everything to get Eli through this. Had felt her arms around her as the Doctor had stepped out into the much too bright hallway and told her that there had been nothing they could do to save Sara's life. That the injuries had been too severe. Then her leg's had given out. She had pushed Sofia away, needing the solace, needing to get away from the abundance of grief and pity that had felt like another slap in the face as everyone laid eyes on her.

She threw another empty beer bottle across the wide open space of desert in front of her that was bathed in the light of the early morning's orange sunlight. It rotated in the air and glistening drops flew into every direction, refracting the light like small crystals. The thud with which it landed in the sand was utterly dissatisfying. The next one she would smash against a rock, let the green glass burst into a thousand tiny pieces. Scattered all over the ground.

Fragmented, just like her heart. Impossible to put back together.

She laughed despite a renewed overflow of her tears when a line from one of her favourite Travis songs came to mind. Words slightly varying a nursery rhyme. Humpty Dumpty. She sung them out with a strangled and hoarse voice,sung them loud into the empty vast landscape, her words caught by the baffle winds and carried away.

"All of the king's horses and all of the king's men couldn't pull my heart back together again."

How did it go on?

'Yeah...' She thought cynically.

' 'Cos all I need is you, I just need you, yeah you got the glue, so I'm gonna give my heart to you.'

But gone was the glue.

She flexed the finger's of her right hand, staring at her bruised and bleeding knuckles that were now covered with dirt and sand from sitting too long on the hard ground somewhere in the middle of nowhere. She couldn't even remember what she'd hit, but she must've have hit it hard.

Sara would have called her a fool for that. Hurting herself.

She wondered about just how easy it would be to walk over to her car, get the spare revolver that always sat in her glove compartment, hold it to her head and just pull the trigger. To end the pain she was only just beginning to feel.

But there was no way even in the hell her life had and would become that she'd ever seriously consider committing suicide.

She'd been many things in her life, but a coward had never been one of them. And to her, suicide was the ultimate act of cowardice.

And after all, she couldn't do that to all of them.

More than enough people had died tonight.

She twisted the cap off of the fifth bottle and emptied it in one go, yet more memories came rushing in.

_"I __don't want to talk about that. Nothing's going to happen to either of us any time soon, so I don't want to even think about it."_

_Eli paced the living room, trying to keep her emotions in check, though her voice had grown significantly louder over the last ten minutes._

_Sara sat on the sofa and eyed her, wringing her hands in her lap.  
><em>

_"Eli, sit down. We are going to talk about it. It's not just about the job, I mean I could get us a container of milk in the morning and get run over by a truck or I could fall off the ladder when changing a light bulb. So could you. There's some things I thought you should know and I want to know about you, too. You must have thought about it at one point of your life or another."_

_With her back towards her girlfriend, Eli stood, shaking her head._

_"I just don't want to even think about losing you..." She husked._

_Sara swallowed._

_"Me neither. But sweetness, if you really don't want to talk to me, write it down somewhere. I mean, I guess you do have a will."_

_Eli cringed. Another reason she didn't want to talk about that subject._

_"Just write some notes on what I or your mom are supposed to do if... In the worst case scenario."_

_"You know my lawyer, Sar. It's all there, I've just been at his office some weeks ago, the last time we've been to Frisco. I took precautions, I do of course have a will and there's also some thoughts on what I would have like to have done with my body, my other belongings and about the ceremony. It's all there. I just don't want to talk about it, goddammit, Sara."_

_"Okay, okay... I get it. My will and notes are in that grey folder, you know which one. I guess that's settled then. Sorry I asked."_

_Slightly hurt by Eli's defensiveness, Sara got up from her place on the couch and headed upstairs without even looking at her agitated girlfriend who just mumbled.  
><em>

_"Yeah, sure."_

Eli hadn't been willing to speak about what would happen if one of them died. And she'd been even less willing to tell Sara that she'd changed her will and had instated her as sole heir. She wouldn't want it, wouldn't understand it.

Oh God...

She wouldn't have wanted it. Past tense.

Now it didn't matter anymore.

She took her cell out of her pocket and typed in a message. There was no way avoiding the next step. Even though she had no idea how to get through those next couple of days.

Hell, she had no idea how to go on with life at all.

* * *

><p><strong>Ah, I'm taking the creative freedom to have marriage for same sex couples still be legal in California in this story, just so you know.<strong>

**The next chapter might take some time. I have a plan, I do, but it's not so easy to get it right. I know I've only scratched the surface of what happened to Sara, and Grissom and those officers, but that's not what it's about. I'm also aware that there are a lot of unanswered question and I will get to it, bit by bit. Okay?**


	4. No consolation

**I'm sorry it took so long.  
><strong>

**Fluff is most definitely easier and quicker to write and the work on this story isn't a straight line, there's bits and pieces I have and I gotta put them together to make sense of them, so updates will come neither quick nor in any kind of pattern.**

Ah, and there's life getting in the way more frequently than I'd care to admit as of late. The ups and downs of becoming a responsible adult one of these days. Probably. Eventually. Hopefully...**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>4. No consolation<strong>

With a low beeping sound the iron gate slowly rattled open.

Eli took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to do, who she was about to face and talk to and walked into the facility. It almost smelt like a hospital, but more violent, headier, it made her gag and the omnipresent nausea gradually increased with every step she took forward.

She'd planned for this to happen, for this very moment to come. But oh how different she'd imagined it.

Twisting the platinum band on her ring finger, she felt that darkness settle upon her again. That nothingness. The deep pure sense of loss that had gotten a hold of her heart, that made it difficult to breathe, difficult to think, difficult to feel anything apart from it. She as a whole felt lost.

There should have been a sense of triumph surrounding her when she stepped in here, she should have been armed with the knowledge and security that not a single word that could be thrown into her face would harm her. Enveloped in the warmth that sprung from the love she felt, from the bond she'd have had just verified with her signature. She'd imagined the look on the other woman's face when she'd have introduced herself as Det. Elisabeth Sidle. A look of utter disbelief, shock, frustration, maybe disgust, and yes, maybe defeat.

But then she didn't even know whether Laura Sidle was still lucid enough to even grab what was going on. She didn't know how sick the woman really was, what drugs she was given, she just knew Sara's mother was a schizophrenic. Sick in so many more ways than one.

Now, now she just needed to see her. Something had driven her here and she couldn't explain the sudden urge that had let her drive out here, despite a blood alcohol level that was way beyond legal limits. She'd just had enough time to sober up, down a small carton of milk and chew a few cinnamon gums. And smoke about another pack, roughly.

Who was counting anyways.

As she sat down on the seat that was bolted to the floor in the small room that looked suspiciously similar to their interrogation rooms in Vegas, she shivered and felt the sharp sting of oncoming tears again. This was so wrong. She just didn't have the strength. She didn't even have a plan.

Yet this woman was the only connection left. The only thing she could still do, face her.

She could not cry, not now, not here, not with the talk she had to do ahead of her, she just could not show any emotion for the next ten minutes.

A side door was opened and in, hunched over and cuffed, walked a skinny woman, about sixty, her long dark brown hair showing only first strains of silver, her hands calloused, nails bitten down to the skin, she was pale and the plain jumpsuit she wore was at least three sizes too big.

When she looked up though, Eli involuntarily gasped.

Piercing brown eyes seized her up immediately, they weren't clouded, they sparkled with mischief and curiosity. With an intelligence and clarity Eli hadn't suspected she'd find in them. With insight. Like she'd seen right through her at first glance. Like Eli was made of light, thin glass and everything that roared inside was on bright display for this woman to read like a fresh of the press newspaper. Printed in bold letters.

The warden guided the woman to the seat opposite from Eli at the metal table and his last glance toward his convict said 'Behave!'.

Eli nodded towards him and with a skeptically raised brow, he hesitantly left the two alone and closed the door behind himself with a soft click.

Two pairs of brown eyes met and the gaze was held for a long time.

So similar. Chains and jumpsuit aside, it was like catching a glimpse into a future that would never exist.

The years had been surprisingly kind to Laura Sidle, that Eli had to admit. And just like Eli herself appeared to be the spitting image of her father, Sara had been the same to her mother. Right down to the gap between their front teeth.

"Who are you?" Laura's voice was even equally low and raspy, even more so, Eli suspected she had smoked heavily for a big part of her life.

She still held eye contact without so much as blinking and waited.

"I'm Detective Elisabeth Trent. I've come with bad news, I'm afraid, Mrs. Sidle."

Laura cocked her head just the slightest bit and amusement shone in her eyes and expression.

"What kind of bad news could you possibly deliver to a woman held in a psychiatric ward in prison? I have no life outside these walls, so nothing that happens there could affect me in any kind of way, _Detective_."

Eli felt her own stare grow colder.

"You have a daughter outside."

Laura Sidle's eyelids twitched but she didn't react verbally.

Taking in her reaction, Eli changed her approach.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Sidle, that wasn't correct, you had a daughter. I came here to inform you that Sara has died."

For a second there was something close to remorse visible in those dark brown eyes, but Laura caught herself just in time. Hadn't they been staring at each other so intensely, Eli might have missed her momentary slip.

"My daughter has died a long time ago, Det. Trent. She was dead to me the day she made me kill my husband. Her physical death is not important to me."

Schizophrenic or not, the light tremble in Laura Sidle's voice was a result of Eli's news. It did affect her.

"Don't you even want to know how she died? Don't you want to know who she was, how she lived, what she'd achieved?"

Eli was getting impatient, and she was getting angry. She'd sworn herself to remain calm, to not give her upper hand up. To stomp Laura Sidle into the ground and see her writhe. Despite the altered circumstances. But she had just traded those cards for a much worse hand.

The small grin that tore at Laura's lips told her she'd lost this game.

"I know who my daughter was. And I know why you're here, Detective. You wanted to rub in my face what a great person she has become, despite what she'd sure told you about her oh so bad and abusive childhood. The lack of love in her life. Did you want to see the monster that did all that to her yourself? Tell me, Elisabeth, when you lay beside her at night, did you ever, just for a moment of weakness and doubt, wonder if she might after all be capable of doing the same things her parents did? If you were really safe with her? When you fought, did you feel the nagging fear that she might have been only a heartbeat, one wrong word away from getting physical with you? Did you ever flinch when she approached you from behind? Or did she express herself in other ways? Because no matter how civil she's on the outside, she was a Sidle. She was ours and she would have turned out the same way. It's good she died on you before she could make you her bitch. Because she would have. And you would have let her. You're wasting my time. There is nothing to gloat about. Guard!"

"No, stay outside!" Eli yelled and the door handle didn't move.

She fought to catch her breath.

She had expected a lot, but not that. How could she suspect things like that? How could she have even known that she was involved with Sara intimately?

"You know what, Laura? You're wrong. You didn't know her. You might've kept tags on her career, but you don't know what kind of person she was. Never for a second did I think such things about Sara. I trusted her with everything. I trusted her with my life, my heart and my body. She wasn't like you or her dad and she never would have. We were engaged. I was going to take on her name. There was going to be a new generation of Sidles, we'd be eradicating the past. Your violence lost its influence long ago, whether you believe it or not. She's evolved so far beyond the realms of her childhood and your reign over her has ended long ago. How does it feel to know that you haven't succeeded? That she's overcome those predicaments? That she had the love in her life you never had, the support your husband never gave you, that she would've had the family you may have dreamt of before things went down the drain. How does that feel?"

Laura looked up at Eli who had been towering over her, had been getting up to deliver those last words. She sneered.

"All I feel is pity. For you, Det. You'll never know you were wrong in your assumptions. I tell you though. That doubt will always be there. And she's gone and can neither prove me nor you right. So I guess we'll never know. I sure don't care. But you do. You will suffer for the rest of your life. Go back to the hell of your life. Don't come back. You won't find any peace here nor anywhere else. And your grief and doubt will kill you in time. You're not as strong as we are. You wearing the name Sidle would have been a disgrace. Now if you'd excuse me, it's time for my medication. This conversation is over."

Laura Sidle turned and got up, knocking at the grey door for the guard to come and get her.

Eli still hovered over the table and willed herself to not lunge and shove that woman into the wall, punch her until there was nothing left but blood and grey matter covering her hands.

Yet she only lifted her gaze, frowning at her dead lover's mother.

"Laura. What gave me away?"

Eli asked under her breath.

"The love in your eyes. I may be a bit crazy, but I'm not blind. So much silly love and you wasted it on her. Poor dyke you are. So trusting, huh? You're pathetic."

She hadn't even faced her to speak those words. The door fell into its lock and everything was quiet around Eli.

Along with the nausea the feeling of suffocation resurfaced. Eli barely made it out of the building, out of the gates before she dropped to her knees and threw up, heaving, crying, banging her fist into the sandy road.

She had never, not for a single second doubted Sara. She had been sure, so damn sure that Sara was nothing like her parents, had spent so much time trying to convince Sara of the same. And she thought she had succeeded. No, she knew she had succeeded. She would have had a whole house full of children with her and she'd never have wondered if or when Sara would flip. Never.

But Laura had seemed just as sure of the opposite. So nonchalant in her conviction, there was no doubt in her that Sara was just the same. With that dark, manipulative, condescending, violent side to herself.

Eli wiped her mouth off on her shirt-sleeve and walked unsteadily over to her car.

That wasn't how it was supposed to go. That wasn't how she was supposed to feel, why she'd come here.

She thought she could prove something to herself. Dull the grief by triumphing over Sara's mother. Push some of the pain off to someone else. Pain she just didn't want to feel, didn't want to rationalize. Not now, not ever.

Now the pain was worsened by that tingling sensation of doubt. Another prison she'd built for herself by allowing Laura's words to get to her. One more thing she'd have to face, one day.

No.

She couldn't let that woman win yet another round. Do that to Sara even beyond her death. Stomp on her grave that wasn't even dug yet by making her doubt. She wouldn't allow this feeling to get into her thoughts. Her memory of Sara had to remain unscathed.

Eli willed the harsh wave of grief away that dared to crash over her. She'd never find her way back to the surface if she allowed it to break over her.

She had things that needed taking care of. No time to wallow in pain now. Sara was gone and that was a fact she just had to live with.

But she could choose not to be reminded of it so poignantly every day.

She lit up, inhaled deeply around the bitter taste of bile and fear and turned the key in the ignition.

Back to Vegas, for one last time.

* * *

><p>They still hadn't exchanged a single word. Her phone had never rung, Leonard had returned to Vegas since Eli hadn't shown up in San Francisco the next day and Sofia only knew that Eli was back at all because she'd been driving over to her and Sara's place, just to check, just because she simply couldn't calm herself enough to find some sleep and the Impala had been standing in its usual spot as she drove down the dark street.<p>

Trent had spoken to no one since she had showed up at the funeral home with a thin grey folder and had made it unmistakably clear to Catherine and Grissom that from that moment on, all decisions about Sara's funeral were hers and hers alone. She'd more or less dismissed them. Not one personal word had been exchanged and Catherine had been fuming. And had asked herself honestly if she and Eli had really been such good friends just a couple of days prior. Because there sure as hell wasn't an ounce of friendliness left in Eli's demeanor.

Sofia'd heard from Brass that Eli had handed in her two-week's notice and had then told the Captain to take those two weeks out of her vacation time and that she'd never set foot in the department again, had smashed her badge and gun on the table and had left the Department without so much as a glance back.

The way Brass described the situation, he had never seen the Detective that rude and commanding. He still had lenience with her, but just because of her loss. Personally, he was uncomfortably frightened by what Sara's death seemed to have done to his youngest Detective.

She'd tried calling Eli, but every single one of her calls had been forwarded to the mailbox after a couple of rings.

It was odd how just a couple of nights after Sara's death, she found herself at a crime scene with Nick and Greg, both looking worse for wear, yet setting to work like nothing had changed.

The clocks didn't stop for personal tragedies. Crime didn't take a day or two off to give them time to recuperate at least a bit. And grave was short now. Same work, less hands, eyes, brains. And a brilliant one at that.

Sofia had finally managed to find some sleep. Or she had passed out from the sheer physical and mental exhaustion. But she'd slept bad, had gotten tangled in her sheets and covers, bathed in sweat, had woken up every 15 or 20 minutes just to pass out again after a sip of cool water and another wave of grief and worry. Sometimes tears. Her dreams were filled with vague pictures, sobs and sniffs, yells of pain and shock. She woke up trembling again. She suffered for Eli, she knew there was no other reason for her to feel this way, she hadn't been witness to the scene.

If she would only talk to her. If she'd only be able to see her, to make herself a picture of the state her friend was in. But no one had seen Eli in days, the service was scheduled for the day after the next and she knew Eli would not come back. Not only to work, but also into all their lives. She'd quit. Everything. She'd leave Las Vegas, that Sofia was sure of.

And she would let her, she had no means to stop Eli from fleeing, from running away. From everything and everyone. From her.

* * *

><p>It was indeed a remarkable change had taken place within Eli. Even now, as she accompanied the urn being taken into the chapel, her facial expression never changed from the stoic and hard mask Sofia had seen her put on that night on the hospital grounds.<p>

Eli had lost weight, even within this short amount of time. She was dressed completely in black, suit, shirt, tie, everything.

Any other day Sofia's mind would have come up with the words stunning and impeccable, as always, and she was, but today she looked like a ghost. Aloof, emotionless, almost arrogant in her demeanor. Not a crease in her clothes, not a lock lying in the wrong way, her deep black ray bans shielded her eyes from curious glances and she only put them down as the last note of Mozart's Requiem mass in D minor had faded and the Reverend started by reciting the 23rd Psalm.

It was as if Eli had tuned out all feeling. She merely functioned, had switched into auto-mode to survive. Kept this hard facade so nothing and no one could get to her.

Strangely there had been no media in sight, though the whole case had made a huge scandal. It was equally disturbing that apart from Ecklie and Undersheriff McKeen, there were no Department officials present. Only friends and colleagues, acquaintances, a few faces Sofia had never seen before and whom she suspected to be Sara's friends from a time before she'd moved to Vegas and who, judging by her looks, could only could be Eli's mother in one of the rows in the back.

Actually, Sofia almost had a wry smile on her lips at the thought, Sara would have liked that there was no big fuzz. The music was tasteful and unobtrusive, a lone woman with a very warm mezzo-soprano sung the Ave Maria and the Reverend's words were fitting and humble.

Grissom went up and spoke warm words about the meaning of Sara's work, her dedication and her skills, her career and what her loss signified to all of her colleagues. He praised her and put the greatest emphasis on just how much she'd be missed. Being all Grissom-y, still, despite the grief that shone in his eyes and his sometimes so shaky voice. Showing only to those who knew where to look for it just how much Sara had meant to him.

So far, so, well, to be exspected.

It was as Eli went up to speak her eulogy, that everyone held their breath in anticipation.

Every movement Eli made was poignant and graceful, she never faltered, never hesitated, never stalled or stuttered. She was calm and collected. Too composed. But her words expressed what her actions could not.

"I thank you all so much for being here today. It was Sara's explicit wish to keep this as small as possible and I'm eternally grateful for the Departments cooperation in granting her that. She also wanted Grissom to speak about her professionally and me to speak her private eulogy, and who am I to deny her that wish, even though I am at a loss for words and Dr. Grissom has already echoed all our sentiments in wonderful words."

She looked up from her notes and let her gaze sweep through the room, making short eye-contact with almost everyone.

"So I decided I want you all to see the side of her she barely showed, surely not at work, and seldom even when she was in the safety amongst her friends. But she showed me. I want you all to have a different image of her in mind when you are going to leave here today."

The screen behind Eli now showed a picture of Sara.

And Sofia gasped.

It couldn't be that old, Sara looked almost the same as she remembered her, but so very different. She half kneeled in the middle of a small strawberry bed, holding a deep red fruit up in one hand while the other kept her balance on her left thigh. She wore old, torn and faded blue jeans, a loose mustard coloured tank top that said 'bay girl' above a surfboard, her hair was in a messy ponytail and a few strands had fallen into her face that radiated with the biggest gap toothed grin Sofia had ever seen on her, her eyes shone with love and beamed right into the camera lens. She seemed so young and carefree, completely unguarded and genuinely happy.

Sofia felt the moisture well up in her eyes and as she looked around, she wasn't the only one who was fighting with tears once again, Catherine held a tissue to her eyes while Leonard's arm was wrapped tightly and protectively around her, Grissom blinked furiously, Greg made no attempt hiding his openly flowing tears, Warrick clenched his jaw and swallowed and Nick ran the back of his hand over his eyes repeatedly.

As Eli raised her voice again, it was filled with so much love that it made Sofia shudder to the core. Yet Eli's face was still an unmoved mask, scaringly so, contrasting her words almost violently.

"Love, I know you've never been a very religious person, but you know that to a certain extent, I am. And I know, _I know_ that He has welcomed you with open arms. I know you're fine. That's my one and only consolation.

To my utter surprise, your love knew no boundaries. You've given it all to me and I assure you, I have cherished every single day. You've had so much to give, you were the gentlest soul that has ever crossed my path and I feel honoured you chose me, of all people, to spent your life with. And to promise me your future. It's been ten weeks, three days, seven hours and -" she stopped to take a look at her watch. "22 minutes since you asked me to marry you. In a gesture that mirrored everything you were. Pragmatic, yet beautiful, with few words, yet what they conveyed was so full of meaning, a bit shy, yet with so much love that my heart dared to burst out of my chest at the luck to have you in my life, after all those messes we've made. Words cannot express how much I love you. And I'm sorry, so sorry that you didn't live to see the day when the dreams you still had would come true. I know you rarely spoke of them, not even to me, let alone to anyone else. But I know they existed. A few you shared. Like the song you wanted to have played as the opening dance. Like that someday, you'd love to teach at a university. Like how you'd love to drive a real race car. Others I just know. No matter how much the thought scared you in some ways, you wanted a child. I could hear that clock ticking, my love, even though you used to deny it vehemently. You wanted to travel. You wanted to find the time to learn more about photography, about art. And deep down inside, you wanted to move back to the seaside, one day.

You were so much more than just work, science and justice. You were playful and foolish, afraid and insecure, caring and protective, stubborn and a bit of a smart-ass, gracious and modest, loving and honest, so smart and your instincts were seldom wrong. Your love was a gift and your laughter was the most beautiful sound I will ever have heard.

I'll miss you. I'll miss you with every single beat of my heart, because it doesn't know why it's even beating anymore since you've been gone and I don't know where to go from here without you by my side.

You wanted to be buried in California and that's where I am going to take you. Our last journey. But my love is yours until the day we'll meet again. I love you, Sara Sidle."

And almost too quiet to be understood, Eli added:

"There was a note on which Sara had jotted down a quote. Let me share this with you."

She cleared her throat and spoke loud and clear from memory.

**"**What is Death?**  
><strong>Death is nothing at all.  
>I have only slipped away into the next room.<br>I am I and you are you.  
>Whatever we were to each other,<br>that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.  
>Speak to me in the easy way<br>which you always used.  
>Put no difference in your tone.<br>Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed  
>at the little jokes we enjoyed together.<br>Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.  
>Let my name be ever the household word<br>that it always was.  
>Let it be spoken without affect,<br>without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.  
>It is the same that it ever was.<br>There is absolutely unbroken continuity.  
>Why should I be out of mind<br>because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,  
>for an interval,<br>somewhere very near,  
>just around the corner.<p>

All is well."

There was a silence that seemed impenetrable. Like everyone was holding their breaths at the intimacy of the moment they'd just shared.

Eli clicked the projector off and left the chapel, not caring about the parting words of the Reverend, nor the many looks that followed her or the occasional sob that was heard now.

No longer able to take that silent treatment, to be completely ignored, that irreverence Eli showed towards her, Sofia got up and followed her outside.

Eli stood by a nearby tree, cigarette in her hand, shades back on. The bright, almost scalding midday sunlight ridiculing the darkness that oozed off the former Detective. When she saw Sofia exit she immediately turned away.

"Eli..." she carefully tried, but words just failed her.

"Don't. I don't want to talk to you, Sofia."

Taken aback, but fueled on by her increasing anger that had been building ever since she'd been shoved away in the rain, she tried again.

"And I don't care. I can't stand to see you like that. I'm there for you, always, talk to me, Eli."

With her back still towards her, she heard Eli snort.

"I'm happy to tell you you won't have to see me _like this _for much longer. I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I don't want it, I never asked you to be my minder. You're not, Sofia, get over it. Go on living your life, you don't have to worry about me. I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself, I assure you that."

Finally, Eli turned and took of her sunglasses to face a shell-shocked Sofia Curtis, who fought to hold back tears of frustration, of anger, of disappointment once more.

Eli's dark brown eyes spoke to her, voiced at least some feeling, just like her words in the chapel had conveyed the feelings Eli was so reluctant, yes, so unable to let herself feel, to express in any other way. Letting Sofia see that she'd store it all away, keep a tight lid on the boiling pot inside her that dared to spill over with a desperation no one should ever see in a friend's eyes. Telling her that she'd rather get herself drowned in this denial than to open those gates and feel the weight of her loss. The switch had been turned. Eli had shut out all feeling. ALL feeling. She couldn't be a friend anymore. If she'd feel this, everything else would come crashing down on her, too.

"You have been a great friend, Sofia, and I will treasure what we've had, what we've experienced together. Thank you for trusting me. But it's all over now. I promise you, I'll be okay. I won't do anything stupid. Trust me. But I'm going back to San Francisco. This is good-bye, Lt. Curtis."

And once again, Sofia just stood there and shivered despite the desert heat surrounding her, watched Eli climb into her car and drive off.

In a way, Sofia understood. In a way, she even sympathized. But seeing and realizing what going on like this did to Eli, would do to her in the future sent a blazing ball of anxiety down her spine.

In the long run, it would destroy Eli.

And right now she just didn't have the slightest idea with which means to stop that from happening.

* * *

><p><strong>The quote is Henry Scott Holland.<strong>

**I've never been this nervous about a story before. So I'd love to have some honest feedback, please.**


	5. Contemplating

**miims, thank you. Two mentions of great writing in one review, that's- rewarding. Gives me so much confidence when people say that. If you feel sorry for Eli, steel yourself for some more of that. But I sincerely hope the moments where I reduce people to tears are over, I'm amazed that my writing can do that and I feel oddly proud, though I don't actually like it.**

**And Jess, you are something else... Really hope not to disappoint with the progression of this story.**

**No offence to those who come here after having been introduced to my writing through my fluffy try of an R&I fic, but people, please, reviews for this one are especially valued, simply because I take angst and hurt a tad bit more serious than coming-to-terms love stories. You will have noticed the difference in the quality of my writing. I hope I'll be able to deliver like this for the other fandom, too, in the future, but right now my main focus is on these characters. This won't be the last story with Eli in it. I still have some things on my mind, permanently.**

**And again, this thing is a piece of work... So please be patient, the next chapter will again take some time. I'm not making any compromises with this one.**

* * *

><p>5. Contemplating<p>

If she was really being honest to herself, Lt. Sofia Curtis was of course grieving Sara's death, sure, she was, but she was grieving Eli's absence in her life more. And it hurt her in a much deeper personal aspect.

It was odd how life went on after a tragedy. The first few days, time had seemed to be at a permanent standstill. But once she got moving, got dragged back into some kind of routine, it seemed to fly past. For a couple of weeks though, she was reminded of the differences everywhere she turned.

In the PD it was that empty desk.

The name tag missing on a locker.

A question she got no answer to because she had been so used to asking this specific person, and they were not there anymore.

A cup of coffee she poured automatically before noticing there was no one there anymore to hand it to.

Over at the lab or at scenes in the field, it was even worse.

Everyone was still on some kind of catatonic state. They had returned to work, faced their daily challenges and routines with the same professionalism and thoroughness, but there was something missing.

It was too quiet.

They just worked, kept their interactions to a necessary minimum. They hadn't recovered yet.

No one bantered with Greg, no one argued with Cath, talked shop with Grissom.

No dark tall figure hunched over a DB, over a piece of evidence, no low laughter in a hallway, no inquisitive, overly concentrated stares, no grin while hefting power tools and loving it.

The nightshift had yet to find its groove back, without her.

And every time she noticed the emptiness on either side, she flinched. Or she cried, in the secludedness and security of her office. She hurt. Carrying this double load. She lost a good friend, a great woman, someone she'd grown fonder of than she could have ever imagined the day they'd met. But she also lost the person she trusted most, temporary as she still hoped it might turn out to be, though she had little hope, it felt horrible.

But slowly, she seemed to get used to it. The tears that had threatened to overflow too often faded and turned into wry smiles, memories, some pleasant, some painful.

She still felt the loss, but accepted it and went on.

Because life did go on, didn't stop for the time you need. And it had to.

Suddenly she came to a scene and there was a new investigator. She was glad that it was a man, so she's less tempted to compare him too much with her. With a woman, she probably would have had more difficulties.

She started making more and more use of her administrative duties to stay out of the field, despite all the familiar faces, somehow it just wasn't the same anymore. She traded her slacks and button-down shirts for fancier pantsuits, faced reporters, gave press conferences and struggled with protocols, evaluation forms, and hierarchies. Superiors, politicians even.

Got into work earlier, a welcome shift in her focus, her schedule, her life.

She broke in yet another pair of heels and wondered what her best friend might have commented on her wearing those.

She got home late, did even more hours than ever before, gained greater respect from Brass and many others, and still felt restless.

The bonds that had been formed over the past months, years, weakened, loosened bit by bit. There were no get-togethers anymore. What had kept them all close had been taken from them, one by force, one by decision. It had never occurred to her that those two had been the ones bringing and keeping them all together.

The third time she burned her scrambled eggs because she was staring into space, wondering what Eli might be doing, where she hid, she forced herself _not_ to give in and check back with someone she knew in San Francisco.

She ate alone, went out alone, watched TV alone, struggled with her problems alone.

There was simply no one there to talk to anymore.

And she worried.

Some days were better than others. Some days, she almost forgot just how afraid she was, how much she loathed the forced silence that surrounded her. But almost forgetting came with a price, gruesome cases mostly, nights and days spent in between investigations, press conferences, being out on the streets or in interrogation rooms, hanging on by a central line to the coffee maker, vitamin pills and more candy bars than she cared to admit. And guilt. It settled on her the moment she walked through her front door and there was this silence surrounding her again. When she shed her wrinkled clothes and stepped under the scalding hot spray of the shower and let it burn the sudden tears from her cheeks. Evaporating into the dense hot and wet air of her small bathroom, but it still left her slumped against the shower stall, boneless, gutless. Guilt that she'd been forgetting about them, even if it was only for the short amount of some days spent nailing a killer.

Every day she waited for a sign. One tiny, short mail, a text. Reading newspapers from a different town.

Yet nothing.

The grief lessened more and more and after three months she thought about Sara only seldom and quite randomly. They'd been close, but not that close.

But she still worried, she'd never stop worrying.

She missed Eli so much, even though she was the one that was still alive, somewhere out there.

That's what made it even more unbearable. This knowing and yet not knowing anything at all. She told her she wasn't going to do anything stupid, she was going to take care of herself.

But Sofia knew she wouldn't. She was going to ignore it, she had fled, in denial. She knew she couldn't face the truth, that she was hiding from it and Sofia just wanted to find her, stuff her, nose first, right into it and then help her deal with it and finally, one day maybe, get over it.

But that wouldn't be happening as long as she was hiding from her and Sofia let her have it her way.

But what was she supposed to do? Go find her? Against her explicit wish. Her order. And then what?

Or leave her be and live with the nagging conviction that she should have done something, should have been there even when she pushed her away, should have kicked her ass and then just held her until she wouldn't have the strength to kick her right out of her life again?

She couldn't live with herself. Doing _ nothing_.

She missed the breakfasts, missed the banter in the bullpen, in the car, at their homes, at Catherine and Leonard's home. Missed the closeness, the trust, the safety of the knowledge to have someone she could always count on, who's always there for her and for whom she represented the same safety net. And she missed her family, the people who had become home for her, whose company had added so much joy and a sense of completeness to her life.

And she knew these were the wounds they had left behind, the deepest ones, the ones that would never heal.

She was lonely. And she felt like she really wasn't the friend she was supposed to be.

One night, after an especially vivid nightmare, Sofia found herself talking to Sara., pleading with the woman, asking her what to do, how to act. She told her just how much she missed her, too. And how inadequate that always sounded to her own ears, in relation to missing Eli just so much more. Stupidly crying in her tangled up bed Sofia talked to a dead woman, begged her for help, for some insight,

Then, the day after that, she gave up. Something she had never done before. Maybe it was supposed to go that way. Maybe there was a sense in all that. She would just go on living her life, without them.

And suddenly letting go seemed embarrassingly easy. She accepted the fact that Eli didn't want her in her life anymore, that the change that had been creeping up on everyone over the last couple of months had inevitably caught up with her, swallowed her and spat her out on what was hopefully the other side of this misery.

She broadened her shoulders and made a decision for herself.

The decision to go on. Because now she did understand, so much better than before.

The request for a transfer landed on Brass' desk with a soft whooshing sound and his eyes narrowed at her as he read.

"You too, Sophie?" He asked her softly, knowingly.

Yeah, she too. She had no business staying there any longer, not with everything around her having fallen apart.

He murmured "Duly noted." and she knew he would drag it out, wouldn't recommend her for the very first job available, but would wait until something came up that wouldn't diminish the efforts she had put in her career so far, but would offer her new, probably even provide her with better opportunities. And that, she was okay with. She didn't expect anything less from him.

"Thank you, Jim. I appreciate it. I simply can't stay."

* * *

><p>One last time, at least she was quite sure it might be the last time, she had dinner with Catherine and Leonard, but just like she'd apprehended, the familiarity didn't return. The almost forced small talk was quickly getting on her last nerve, but she noticed at least one positive thing. These two did seem closer than ever. They had clung to each other, could depend on one another through the whole ordeal and had reached a level of trust and closeness that she wouldn't even dare dreaming of ever having with somebody.<p>

The moment she dared asking Leonard whether he had heard from Eli, he instantly fell silent. He looked at her with those big green, sad eyes and simply shook his head no.

"She's gone to a place where I can't reach her. I made it once, but that was over a decade ago, she was younger and a bit less headstrong and I- I was fearless at the time and unyielding. I just can't do it again. And she wouldn't let me either. She knows all my tricks and methods and she'd know how to play me. We'll all never be the same again, but we can live our lives and that's what I'll do. I have everything I ever wanted from life, I have a family and a job that fulfills me and is lucrative at the same time. You should ask and aim for the same, Sofia. Go and make sure that you find that. We'll all be sorry to see you leave, but go and make your way. Find love. Start your own family, if you like. Built new friendships that don't bear the weight of what has happened to us. And use your chance to step out of the shadow the big Brass is still casting over you. Stop dwelling on the past, you can't change it anyway."

When she left, she felt dizzy and utterly exhausted. Could she really do that? Just leave all those years that had formed her like none before ever had behind? Not to forget, but to fold those years into a neat little package, store it away as some of the most pleasant and most horrible memories she had made and begin the next chapter of her life?

She wasn't sure she could but she knew she had to at least try. For her own sake and sanity.

But she'd never stop worrying.

* * *

><p>Eli panted hard. The muscles in her back ached, the bass that kept thumping from the speakers set the rhythm to her efforts by pounding her eardrums steadily, she didn't look down but stared blankly ahead at the wall behind the bed, where the paint and plaster had been chipped off the bricks in places, accentuating the loft-like flair of the penthouse.<p>

The rugged charm of an old building. Her rugged charm she used time and time again. The solid headboard, wrought iron, swaying just the tiniest bit with every single one of her skillful movements.

The emptiness in her head. So light, she felt so light. Just a couple of more minutes, she could draw this out, make the sighs and pleas and moans, the curses and yelps last just a little bit longer. Make her forget, make her deaf and blind, take her away from her thoughts, her fears, her regrets, her anger, her hollowness.

Ginger red hair splayed all over silvery gray silk. Strong, lean arms gripping the sheets, hanging on by a threat now, noises that signaled that soon, very soon, too soon, they'd be done. Once more. A short, strangled cry and something fierce gripped hold of Eli, making her move even faster, clasping a naked, tanned and freckled shoulder hard and buck with force. More yelps. A hand tugging at her shirt, a plea to stop, yet she didn't. Not yet. No, please, not yet, don't let me fall just yet... Into that fucking, empty, lonely abyss.

A kiss on the cheek that was so chaste in contrast to their earlier activities. One last stroke over the prominent bulge below her unfastened belt, a wink and words greatly emphazising the hope for a repeat performance which she only answered with her dazzling smile that promised nothing and the massive metal door closed with a sound too smooth and quiet. And all control of her facial expressions left Eli in a heartbeat.

As she sank into the soft black nappa leather, another layer of her former self had ruptured and been flayed from her soul.

She wiped the remains of sweat off her brow and reached for the half empty bottle, not even bothering with the tumbler that stood right beside it. She simply attached the rim of the bottle to her lips and drank the Bourbon like it was a soda pop.

She wouldn't have thought it'd still be that easy. After all these years, she had lost nothing of her appeal. They never noticed that she wore a mask, wore that attitude as an armor protecting the last intact parts of her slowly decaying mind from falling apart.

Being generous came naturally to her. Though it was embedded in her, rightened only by a different purpose, but she could and she did use that quality in the old ways again. A bottle of Crystal, some fancy finger food, access to VIP-areas, a cocky smile and a few suggestive touches. They'd drink, she'd drink more. Never to the point of being drunk, though. She always kept her wits. But then again, she was wasted. Alcohol was the thing that muted her, coke what gave her power and security. Pot what made her horny and regretless. Unconcerned.

She'd built herself a reputation and fast.

Good-looking, beyond what you'd call averagely handsome, impeccably dressed, designer only, nothing off the usual rack, kind and forthcoming, a good tipper, amicably chatting up the servers, not arrogant but sublime, never condescending like some of the other richer patrons, she'd become a force to be recognized in the fancier lesbian scene. She'd made friends quickly, knew hostesses and event-managers by their first names, some of them even more intimately. She'd made herself a trophy. Get close to Eli Trent and you're in for the ride of a lifetime. But don't expect anything more. Don't expect to be allowed to even return the favour. Get wined and dined and fucked and then just leave. Don't ask personal questions. Don't make the mistake to mention the ring she wore in the place that most people wore their wedding rings.

Eli selected whom she did take home carefully. Never more than one girl from the same circle of friends. Never tourists. And never brunettes. She had no rational explanation for her behaviour. She just knew that for those few hours, once or twice a week, when she went out on her hunt, when she drank less than at home but got high and danced and flirted, when she fucked those girls, relentlessly, over and over again until their passion was spent, she didn't think about anything else. She was even further detached from her lingering feelings than at any other time.

For those precious, fleeting moments she was free.

She didn't know how long it would last, didn't know how long her body could handle the constant abuse, because once she was alone, she simply drank herself delirious. To the point of passing out, again and again.

In that movie, Nick Cage's character had gone to Vegas to drink himself to death. She'd fled from exactly there, yet seemed to be on the best way to do the same.

It was when she woke up, way too sober, way too lucid, she reached out. Sometimes there was the edge of the couch and then nothing, sometimes it was the rug under her hands and then nothing, but the hardest mornings were when she woke up in her bed, hopefully, trustingly turning, reaching out just to feel the cold nothingness of the satin pillowcase beside her.

And before the tears could even form, she had her first gulp of liquid breakfast. She hadn't cried since she'd come back to Frisco.

Once a week, there was a basket on her doorstep, filled with fruit and enchiladas and containers with casseroles and rice, tacos and frijoles. And the same note. 'Alberta and I are worried. I know there's nothing I can do, but please, take care of yourself. And eat. You know it's been made with love. Stop drinking, Sparrow. There's no solace on the bottom of a bottle, child. With love'

And she ate. Even though in time it started verging on torture, her stomach revolted, steadily growing more unaccustomed to taking in solid food. She ate. The leftovers went into the freezer. She never wasted a single spoonful. She willed herself not to throw up. It was all the love she had left and she put it in this gesture of acknowledgement.

She kept the level of intoxication down on two days a week. When she went to the gym. She couldn't exert herself much anymore, but she was determined to keep her now thin body in good shape. Thankful for her solid constitution, because only someone who had known her before would be able to see the for others frighteningly inconspicuous changes. Eli did though. But wasn't afraid of them. She still had control. She took supplements and drank protein shakes when she was most sober. She slept much and took meticulous care of her outward appearance. In fact she looked fresher and younger than she had during those last months working. There were very capable beauticians in San Francisco.

* * *

><p>Sofia stared out of the window as the plane broke through the clouds and above an ocean of white there was nothing but a clear, bright blue sky. She shifted in the small seat, she'd never choose to sit by the window again. As much as the view impressed her each and every time, she really could do without that hunky businessman in the middle seat beside her, who had wriggled in extremely complicated contorted maneuvers out of his suit jacket and she had just managed to duck away to avoid being hit by his elbow. And his constant muttering into the earpiece that was connected to his cell and the oversized laptop he was balancing on his knees annoyed her to no end.<p>

Thank goodness that the distance between Las Vegas and San Francisco was so short. Only less than half an hour to go.

Less than thirty minutes and she'd be closer to Eli than she'd been in months. Still she didn't have the slightest idea how to approach her former best friend. How to even find her.

And she still didn't know exactly why she'd come down with this sudden decision to go at all, when she'd spent almost half a year arguing with herself that this was what Eli had wanted, to be left alone. When she'd just thought she'd finally managed to accept it and go on.

But then there was Brass standing in the doorway of her office the other day, smiling wistfully, a look on his face she'd only see from her own parents before. And he handed her an envelope. She opened it slowly and read the content once, twice, looking up to meet his questioning glance and then she'd smiled, too, nodded and clenched her jaw.

"Not what you had in mind, huh?"

"Not exactly. Is that you giving me a broad hint?"

This could backfire in so many ways.

"Maybe."

It wasn't like Brass to be that vague. But then, he hadn't been the same, that day had changed him, too.

"I'll need a couple of weeks before I'll go. Can I take my remaining vacation days or do I have to ask for a leave of absence?"

He let his hands fall to his sides and a deep sadness crept into his eyes.

"You don't even have to ask. Next week is your last in Vegas, Lieutenant. I hate to let you go, but I won't stand in your way. Use that chance, Sofia."

His eyes added 'Make me proud. Don't make me regret that decision.'

When she rounded her desk and pulled him into a hug, she meant it. He had pushed the door wide open.

And during that last week, while she had started packing up her condo, she realised she couldn't end this part of her life without having at least tried. She had to. She held the frame in her hands, staring at the picture in it. Sara and Eli, Greg and Sofia herself, playing twister on a beach at Lake Meade, with Lindsey instructing them where to put their hands and feet next. Leonard and Catherine had been sitting on a towel, laughing and taking lots of embarrassing pictures. She was bent over Eli awkwardly, who herself was tangled up with Sara and Greg, the only one still with just his feet on the dots, had made a show out of hovering his hand just over her backside with a wide grin on his tanned face.

She remembered vividly. In the end, when the four of them had been in a knot of limbs, Linds had given Sara a solid push and they'd fallen all over each other, giggling, laughing like children. Eli at the bottom of the human pile-up had laughed so hard and had panted 'I love you guys, what would I ever do without you.'.

She had to. She just had to go.

Sofia ignored the club sandwich in its cheap plastic wrapper that had been placed in front of her and just proceeded staring out of the window, even though the only thing visible now where layers and layers of clouds, white, light grey, fading orange and lilac, tinged in the light of the now setting sun at the horizon.

'Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds, dreaming aloud...'

Then the plane broke through the clouds that had been getting darker and darker the deeper they went and they descended to a stormy and rainy San Francisco evening.

The sting of the first tear in her eyes didn't frighten her anymore. She'd gotten used to their presence in the oddest of moments, for the most profane reasons. It wasn't as predictable anymore than it had been the first few weeks, but maybe it was exactly that, that enormous weight that seemed to press her down in these moments, when she somehow failed to guard her emotions and it hit her just how much she still worried.

What hit her even harder was the speculation, the only reasonable conclusion she'd come to define, to explain why it hurt so damn much. Why she couldn't simply let go of it, like everyone seemed to have done. Speculating was one thing, but she refused to really think about it. Coming to the point of admittance would doom her mission before it had even begun.

Right now it was the realisation that she'd never had someone in her life whom she could have lost and it would have been as devastating to her as Sara's death was to Eli. Of course, the day she'd lost her father had been tragic, and even though he had died way before his time, as a child you expect your parents to pass away one day, though preferably one day far in the future. And of course she'd been deeply affected by Sara's death, but it was so different. She'd never loved like that. She'd never met someone she could have called the love of her life or even soul mate or something similar. Sure, she'd had led relationships, had loved and hurt each time they had ended, but no one had ever affected her all too deeply.

So she cried again, cried because she didn't really know what that kind of love felt like. And cried because she knew she probably never would. She just wasn't the type to open up that much.

How on earth was she supposed to be the one person Eli would let in? But she was the only one brave, or stupid enough to try.

She didn't know which words to say to Eli if she couldn't even really relate to the feelings those two had had for the other.

But first things first. At first she had to find Eli.

She slowly walked towards the baggage claim, taking in the raging storm outside, the heavy rain clattering against the huge windows. In a month, she'd be packing the rest of her stuff up, organizing her life into cardboard boxes, label then and sent them off to her new destination. The place she planned to make her new home. She had one month to bring order into the chaos Sara's death had left behind in Eli's as well as in her own life.

She heaved the big suitcase and another travel bag off the carousel.

She pushed the trolley towards the car rental desk.

What in the world was she doing here?

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading.<strong>


	6. Don't Just go

**Ugh, I'm not pleased. So ****I'm afraid this doesn't live up to the last couple of chapters, but I promise I tried. I've let it sit and have come back to it after a couple of days and after working on some other stuff, lighter stuff, but I'm not very chipper at the moment and I guess you'll have to go with the dark, moody me and what comes out of my head. **

**I'm probably going to post a one shot before the next chapter, I have to do something fluffy and a bit smutty and not at all dramatic. And I'm into weird crossovers lately. Funny pairings might ensue.**

**For now... Here you go.**

* * *

><p><strong>6. (Don't) Just go**

Eli felt it the moment she stepped through the club's side entrance, into the dimly lit corridor. Before even thinking of joining the crowd, she slipped into the ladies' room, pushed the cold water faucet open roughly, splashed some water into her face and stared at her reflection in the cracked mirror. Something was different tonight. Something was off, she felt it in her bones.

Her eyes were dark and had lost their warm sparkle, her cheekbones were even more pronounced and through the disguising tan she could see the faint grey in her complexion. Tired. Done. She made a face at herself, then raised one brow in irritation at her childishness, still the hairs in the back of her neck stood. Time to chase that feeling away.

She locked the door carefully and retrieved a small box out of the pocket of her slacks. Prepared the thin white line cautiously. Sniffed it. Washed her hands again after carefully cleaning and restoring her credit card and the small straw. Letting the box slide back into her pocket. She sniffled a couple of times and proceeded staring at herself.

A dark red shirt with a banded collar, top buttons undone and no bra, grey leather jacket, tight black slacks, yet another size smaller than a couple of weeks ago. She exuded an exotic strength now, all slim and toned, towering over most of the crowd. Not the mysterious stranger she'd been in the beginning, but a well-known face, a welcomed customer. Turning heads like _never_ before in her life.

She exited the restroom and apologized to the women waiting outside with an imitation of her cutest smile.

Went over to the bar and downed the glass that was set in front of her just seconds later without even flinching. The burning of the liquor had long ceased. One more thing she didn't feel anymore. A new glass, the same movement. The combination was starting to work and slowly a smug grin tugged at the corners of her mouth. Yeah. Good that she hadn't given in to her laziness and hadn't stayed home. This was so much better. She shed her jacket and rolled her sleeves up to her elbows. Time for her to begin the game. To look for this night's prey. Time to be the Eli fucking Trent she'd trained herself to be again. One more Whiskey and she started mingling. Searching. Flirting. Dancing her socks off. Alive. Free. Numb.

There was no difference tonight. Nothing was wrong. She shoved the feeling aside. Stupid feelings.

* * *

><p>Did she want to be spotted?<p>

Or should she wait a little longer? See what Eli was up to, what she was doing in a club like this. Watch her. Like she had for a couple of days now.

Sofia felt bad for having lurked around Eli for the past two days. Like a really bad private detective out of some hideous TV-show. Though she hadn't taken pictures and most of the time Eli was at home anyway and not observable. She'd pulled a few strings and when she'd held the address in her hand, it suddenly became real. She was really here, she'd be seeing Eli soon.

She looked awful. Haggard, not healthy. All she had seen Eli buy was alcohol. Two of the three times Eli had left her apartment, she'd come back with brown paper bags. The one time she'd been to the gym.

And now it was Friday night, she'd followed a dressed to the nines Eli to this hot spot, and though Sofia'd had no problems getting in, she felt remarkably underdressed. She was surrounded by women that each according to their roles looked extremely fashionable. She'd been glad that she had some make-up in her purse, that she'd worn her hair open all day and had avoided the odd wave from wearing a hair band, was dressed all in black and had just bought a nice pair of heels she couldn't resist on sale that afternoon. Judging by the appreciative looks she received from time to time, she'd done something right. She settled in an empty chair in the back of the club that was getting more and more crowded and watched Eli chat, flirt, dance and drink, heavily.

Someone who didn't know that woman wouldn't have noticed, but Sofia saw that Eli's smile and laughter was nothing but a mask she had crafted to almost perfection. She was looking for a diversion and Sofia knew exactly which kind. Sex.

But what worried her even more than the drinking and the prowling, she had expected something like that if she was being honest to herself, were Eli's glazed over eyes. Sofia knew what addicts looked like. And Eli was high. And she knew the moment Eli had made her pick. A petite blonde, young and beautiful, in a dark red dress, with smoky eyes and rectangular glasses that combined with her posture, gave her a look of class and brains. A nice package. And she was so into Eli. Leaned in when they spoke, found constant reason to touch the tall woman, drank her champagne in tiny sips and bat her lashes when Eli ordered a refill. Like a moth to the flame.

Inwardly, Sofia almost grinned. There was this rough charm to Eli, the aura of class and intelligence that seemed to ooze off her, her wicked sex appeal, the way she walked and held herself, commanding, yet supple. She understood her popularity, her appeal. She'd been there.

Half an hour later they headed to the side entrance, arm in arm.

Sofia sighed and leaned back, nursing her drink, letting the colours of the beams wash over her, taking in the people that surrounded her, gauging, a bit intrigued. It had been ages since she'd last been out.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, she'd simply show up on Eli's doorstep and see what would happen.

Just a fraction of a second later she went rigid.

No. No more waiting, no more pushing off the inevitable, the one thing she'd known she would have to do sooner or later the moment Eli had said her good-bye after the service.

She left her half-empty gin tonic on the table and started for the door, determined to get to Eli's car that was parked right out front before the pair made it there.

Now or never. Showtime.

* * *

><p>The arm around Eli's waist was at the wrong height. It was grasping at her shirt beneath her leather jacket too tightly. Clingy. A bit drunk maybe. Just like each and every time, it felt wrong. And just like every time, Eli knew she shouldn't be driving. Under the influence. Pleasantly buzzed, but not drunk. High, but not out of it. Yet she would, just like every time. She had helped Danielle, that was her name, wasn't it - into her thigh long black trench coat-style jacket and placing her hand at the small of the shorter woman's back, guided her outside. They chuckled about something the bouncer said and when Eli looked up, fumbling with her keys to use the remote for getting the car doors open, her heart stopped for a second or two.<p>

Her hand fell off Danielle's back and she stood rooted to the spot.

"What's wrong, Eli?"

Sure, that girl couldn't possibly know which was her car, so she didn't ponder much over the older blonde that leaned against the side of said car, arms crossed in front of her chest, a stern expression on her face.

Eli paused for a second and thought how in hell she was gonna get out of this. Simply ignore Sofia and get a taxi to her place? Well, knowing she was here alone was enough to make sex the last thing on her mind right now.

She had to get rid of them. First, the young thing that was now tugging at her sleeve relentlessly, trying to force a reaction, an answer out of Eli, then she would deal with that unexpected and very much unwelcome visitor.

"Hey..." Eli turned slowly towards Danielle, her gaze still locked with Sofia's before it snapped down to the young blonde's sickly sweet grin. "You know what, I think I've had too much to drink, all this fresh air is making me feel real dizzy. So I don't think it'd be a good idea if you came with me."

At the pronounced pout and the frustrated grabble at her ass, Eli flinched.

"But you said-"

She cut in. Oh god, this one was annoying.

"That meant I'm going home alone. And I'm not sorry at all. You know what, just get lost." She barked harshly, losing her patience.

The blonde let out a shocked and miffed gasp, but stalked away with her head held high.

"I really don't need that."

Eli chuckled at the unexpected comedy of the moment, as Danielle slipped on her heel, taking the gracefulness completely out of her defiant retreat.

"Aw, me neither, blondie." She murmured. Then she closed her eyes. Just a moment longer, a second to get a grip on herself.

Sofia. If she'd be allowing it to, her heart would leap with joy. If she still had it in her, she'd high-five herself, she' known she'd come one day. Took her long enough. But no. All about Sofia reminded her of everything she didn't want to be reminded of. And she'd made herself very clear in Vegas. This part of her life was over. Irrevocably.

Simply her pose against the car. All that was missing were her badge and gun, she was standing there like she was waiting for a colleague or the CSIs to arrive at a crime scene, patient, but a bit pissed off, expectant, but calm. Sofia. For a painful second Eli missed all that. But the sting came and went.

Why couldn't she respect what she'd been asked of? Why did she have to make it even harder on both of them? The anger Eli needed to feel bubbled up and she was almost sorry that she wasn't nearly as drunk as she'd like to be, so Sofia could see it and push everything that would come out of Eli's mouth in a few seconds on her state of intoxication. Not take it personally. Because it wasn't personal. It was self-preservation.

Eli pushed her shoulders back and opened her eyes, brown depths cold as ice as they met Sofia's waiting blue's. They stared at each other, taxing.

"I've got nothing to say to you. It's all been said and done. Just go home."

Eli rounded the car and opened the driver's side door.

* * *

><p>That was to be expected. But Sofia hadn't failed to notice that Eli had needed to collect herself before addressing her. She simply stayed silent and didn't move off the car or turn towards the tall brunette.<p>

"Get your ass off my car, I wanna go home. You already ruined my night." The keys jingled in Eli's hand and her tone had gotten from slightly angry and annoyed to aggressive.

Sofia's pulse quickened. This wasn't the Eli she knew. And she was a long way from sober. She didn't know just how much had changed over the course of the past half year, but she was prepared for almost everything. So she didn't flinch. She turned, gave Eli a pointed glare that simply stated 'I don't care how you treat me, I'm here now and I'm not going to go away, deal with it.' and she opened the passenger side and fell into the seat, pulling the door shut loud enough to startle.

She heard Eli sigh and curse through the open door on the other side. Yet she made no move to climb into the car, too.

"I'm trying to be nice here. I really don't wanna do this to you, but you seem determined to leave me no choice. Get out of my fucking car, Sofia, or I'll drag you out of it.

If Sofia had any strategy, silence was it right now. Tire Eli out. Count on the hope that she still had enough propriety left to not cause a huge scene in front of a upscale club.

Eli growled. Beside herself, Sofia was the most stubborn person she had ever met. Well, beside herself and- dammit. Ten minutes and she was already thinking about- No, she wouldn't let her do that to her. She wouldn't permit it. This had to end, right here.

"Curtis, get out of the car. Last warning."

No reaction.

In utter frustration Eli threw her keys onto the upholstery of the seat, where they bounced once and clattered onto the floor. She realised her mistake a split-second too late.

Sofia bent over the console and fished the keys out of the foot space, then swung her legs over to the driver's side and settled behind the wheel.

"Best decision you've made so far, Eli. Now you get _into_ the car and I'm going to drive you home. You're in no state to drive safely anyway."

"Oh, fuck me! I'm taking a damn taxi." Eli banged her fist on the car roof, glared one more time at the older woman who sat motionless in the driver's seat and shifted on her heels.

"Appartment keys." Sofia stated calmly.

"Don't fuck with me. You don't wanna do that, I'm warning you, Sofia."

There was something about the look in Sofia's eyes that threw Eli the moment their gazes met again. A familiar warmth she just couldn't stand. She squeezed her eyes shut.

"Get in, Casanova."

Eli flipped her off and started walking.

Sofia started the car and pushed it in gear, driving at a steady pace beside Eli on the sidewalk.

"I don't wanna listen to you." Eli puffed over the parked cars.

"Who said I wanted to talk?"

"Smart-ass!"

"Crock!"

"What?"

Eli swiveled around and squeezed between some cars onto the street, ripping the door open and falling into the seat.

"Stow it. I assume you know where I live? Ah, sure you do, Lieutenant Curtis."

When Sofia didn't answer, Eli craned her neck to check on Sofia's expression.

Her jaw was set tightly and she appeared to be biting back a lot of things that dared to burst out of her mouth any second. But she held her tongue, just like she'd said.

Eli felt the strange need to fall into an old habit. How many times had they been driving around the city, albeit a different one, like this? At night, on their way to some scene, the PD, witnesses, out into the desert. They'd always talked. With Sofia, there had never been a lot of silence, they'd never been at a loss for words. They'd always had something to laugh or argue or simply chat about.

Sofia also felt the silence light a weight settling on her. She reached out to turn on the stereo, but Eli stopped her, their fingers meeting over the button, both snatching their hands away like they'd been burned by the others touch.

"Don't. I don't wanna hear what's on the stick right now. Not with you around."

Sofia hit the button anyway.

"You know what? I never thought I could say that, but right now, I hate you. I wanted to remember you as a friend. You're not acting like a friend here. This was never supposed to happen." Eli exploded, spat the words into Sofia's direction while the song that had been on when Eli had parked the car earlier faded out and a new one started. One that for Eli, was something very private. A song she sang along with when she drove aimlessly through the city at night, when she was too sober to sleep, but feeling to nauseous to drink just one more glass. When she tried. Tried to deal. When for the duration of that one playlist, the one that had just started, she was just Eli. Trying to bring herself to cry. Shouting lyric after lyric of songs that were supposed to bring her to her knees, but each time she'd reached her street again, all that remained were a sore throat, a bleep in her ears from the volume and a desperate longing for the drink she hadn't been able to down a mere hour ago.

_'__She'll watch the sky as it fades into black_

_Walks with the lovers that never came back_

_The princes and kings_

_All the beautiful things_

_And more_

_She won't wait, she'll never look back_

_Through the fog where the mirrors have cracked_

_She slides through a dream_

_With all her beautiful schemes_

_And more_

_She's got a reason to roam with the stars_

_Watch her go as she sings_

_Dum dum da da da da_

_Love is gold, time is a thief_

_She's the river that runs to the sea_

_With her arms open wide_

_Her sorrow, her smile_

_And more_

_Still she wanders soaked to the bone_

_The road she's on, well it won't lead her home_

_To the place where she cried_

_For the stranger inside_

_And more_

_She's got a reason to roam with the stars_

_Watch her go as she sings_

_Dum dum da da da da...'_

Eli hadn't tried to skip to the next song or change to the radio or turn the thing off completely. She stared out of the side window and watched as the nightly city passed by. People strolling along, laughing, arms linked, on their ways to or from friends, a club, a party, a bar. Lights reflected in the driver's side mirror and it started to drizzle and her vision got blurry. But no one ducked and no umbrella's were opened. Strage. People in this city were used to this. Only when she tasted something salty at the corner of her mouth she became aware of what had been happening. She'd started to cry. Next thing she knew, her whole body cramped up at the realisation.

By this time Sofia had already stopped the car beside the building that housed Eli's loft and killed the machine.

Half a year. Six months. She'd made it so far and one car ride with Sofia Curtis blew it all to hell. Brushing the back of her hand over her face, biting back the sob that dared to escape her restricted throat, Eli started climbing out of the car like the seat was on fire, doubling over outside, gasping for air. Cold and salty tasting air rushed into her lungs and she panted, tears continuing to roll down her cheeks.

"Eli-" The blonde started, too close beside her and she heard the clack that announced the car was being locked, but Eli waved her off.

"I need a fucking drink. And I'm gonna call you a cab."

Eli straightened, shaking her head, shaking the warmth off, the familiarity, the longing for Sofia just to hold her and let her cry herself out, safe, comforted. No. She wasn't strong enough to cope with all that would come rushing out once these walls would be too cracked to hold it in. And she knew, Sofia could tear them all down with just her mere presence. So she swallowed hard and took off into the direction of the entrance door, Sofia hurrying to keep up. The brick building was impressing, so was the old goods elevator. Eli pulled the gate shut behind them and pushed the top button.

Once inside, Eli wasted no time retrieving a bottle of Bourbon from the counter and pouring a glass, downing it in one gulp. Then she picked a note off the refrigerator, punched the number into her phone and gave the taxi company her address.

"Sofia."

* * *

><p>She was still stunned from the sheer size of the place. Sofia stood in the big room and took everything in. But had someone asked her hours later what Eli's place looked like, she would've come up with little to nothing. She felt lost.<p>

She knew something had happened in the car, she'd seen the tears, the defiance in Eli's eyes and the hurt. New hurt, pain she had placed there. By just simply being there. She didn't know how to handle the situation.

Eli spoke again.

"Sofia, I want you- I need you to leave, take this cab to your hotel or wherever you checked in and do not come back. You are not a part of my life anymore. I don't want to see you again, not here, not at any of the places I'm at. I know you'll figure them out. I'm forbidding you to ever come unannounced again. I forbid you to try and see me again at all. You're not welcome. You're not my friend any longer. You've gambled that away by disrespecting what I asked of you. Be safe, but go."

Eli didn't even look at her. She just talked into the room before she grabbed the bottle and opened up a large glass front that led out onto a wraparound terrace.

"You can show yourself out."

Eli's words were half silenced on her way out.

'Just go. I'm sorry, I love you, I do, but just go, Fia.' She chanted in her head. She never wanted that, never wanted to hurt her friends even more then she already had by simply taking off and leaving them behind. Leonard, she hadn't really spoken with months before- the day. She'd learnt to deal with the loss before. But Sofia? She'd filled the gap and had more than made up for the silence and the angry glances that were all that had been left of Eli and Leonard's once so important and close friendship. She'd become the second most important person in Eli's life. Where did that leave her when- yeah. How could she have ever thought she could keep Sofia away. She was all that was left.

But the damn tears wouldn't stop. They just wouldn't stop falling. Without caring to look back, Eli rounded a corner and entered her bedroom from outside, undressing quickly and stepping into the bathroom. But the cold shower didn't help either. Carelessly dressed, she stepped back outside, grabbing the bottle and lighting up a cigarette while she stood at the railing, looking over the harbour.

She'd get this under control again. It was just a momentary slip. Too many memories at once. Too much familiarity. Too much of what she'd once called home and her family. Had she allowed Sofia to stay, she'd have tried to break her barriers. Eli was aware that it had to happen one day, but not yet. She had no plan how to deal when being confronted with the pent up emotions inside yet. And until she came up with one, which would probably be never, she needed theses walls, needed the seclusion, the solitude, the detachment. The numbness. She took a swig from the bottle and felt the first sob. No... Not yet.

Sofia still hadn't moved. She was lost in thought when she heard a shower being turned on, then off a few minutes later.

Her friend was broken. Had given up, had simply stopped living and had become a ghost. She couldn't go, not now. Not without having really tried. Even though a part of her justification was surely selfish. She needed her friend back. She needed Eli in her life. Because Eli was the one person _she_ couldn't bear losing. She couldn't.

Eli had saved her life. Literally. It was time to return the favour.

* * *

><p><strong>I am not going to clarify what provoked the fall out between Eli and Leonard. It's just a fact and you have to go with it. I really like his character and I'm sorry that he won't play a big part in this.<strong>

**I don't own those lyrics, they are 'She's got a reason' by The Coral. I recommend to listen to it, it's an amazing song. And band. Sung along with it dozens of time in the car at night, too.**

**Thanks for reading...**


	7. Make it without you

****I'm sorry for taking so long to update. I was really busy and also got side-tracked by two challenges and other things.****

**Remember, this is my dark alternate universe. The characters are not ****acting the same as they have in 'Mistakes'. They are ALL a slightly darker version of themselves. Just thought it necessary to remind you of that before you start reading this chapter. Because beside all that is now starting to happen in Eli's loft, we also get a glimpse of something that happened in the past and- yeah... that adds another layer. I know I'm absolutely not in character anymore. But it is intentional. It happened and I like it. I never plan my stories out and this it what comes out of the spur of the moment. I am expecting you to disagree, but then, I kinda ****really look forward to reading what you have to say.**

* * *

><p><strong>7. Make it without you<strong>

Just like she'd suspected, Sofia found Eli on the wrap-around terrace. Staring into the starry, black-blue night sky, smoking, a bottle of Gentleman Jack at her feet, half empty. Her towel-dry locks waved a bit in the off-shore breeze, her unbuttoned shirt, sleeves rolled up, rippled with every gust across her back and the front tails fluttered unsteadily.

Trails of tears were visible on her cheeks, still wet, or again, still the occasional one escaped Eli's reddened eyes.

Sofia wondered just how many times she could stand being pushed away, how long she could keep up her supportive stance without letting herself get hurt too much, just how much rejection she was able to endure.

Listening to Eli you could think she'd come here to gloat. To watch the silent downfall of a distinguished, well-mannered, polite woman in malice.

The dark and dangerously low voice spoke quietly, almost inaudible for Sofia.

"What the fuck are you still doing here? I told you to get the hell out of my life."

Quietly, calmly Sofia replied.

"I can't."

"Oh yes, you can. You don't want me to make you. Or is there a masochistic side to yourself I didn't know of yet? Because if you try to stay, this might get ugly. No, it will get ugly."

Sofia sucked in a breath and prepared herself for another round. To be left behind bruised and battered by Eli's harsh and hurtful words, on her knees by the time Eli'd be done with her, probably figuratively crawling back to her hotel room to nurse her mental and emotional wounds. Missing her best friend, worrying about the immense change in Eli's personality, torn between compassion, the need to help Eli out of that great void and the anger that she'd let herself be treated like that. Like she meant nothing to Eli, like she was nothing but an annoying discomfort, a stalker almost.

"I think I might be more prepared for that than you assume."

Eli turned and despite the tears, her brown eyes held a vivid, fiery, but cold sparkle. Sofia forced herself not to twitch, step back or even do so much as blink. This Eli was almost unpredictable. BUt just almost.

"Are you?" Eli took a calculated step forwards, throwing all of the physical strength that was left in her into her movement, her posture, make herself appear as powerful as possible. And another step.

"Still so arrogant, still so smug. It's what you've always been. It's what makes you so intriguing and yet so despicable at the same time. Cocky. But you don't wanna mess with me right now, trust me. It's been a long time since I felt this much anger, Sofia. You know what I'd be doing right now if you hadn't shown up? I'd be fucking that girls brains out. But I'm not. No, I'm standing here fucking arguing with you, who can't understand what 'No.' or 'Get out.' or 'Leave me alone.' means. Have you even been listening to me? Do you hear me, Sofia?" Eli started to talk quicker, her voice adapting a loud and violent tone, her fists clenching.

Unconsciously, Sofia did take a step back. She'd lie to herself if she didn't admit that she was, despite better judgment, becoming a bit afraid of Eli.

"I-" she started.

"I- what? What?" The mockery in Eli's voice hit her like a slap. "I want to annoy you? I want to make you angry?" Another step forward, fast, and Sofia staggered back, surprised at her own reaction. She wasn't like that. She wasn't easily intimidated, easily frightened. But this was no interrogation room, not a suspect that however brutal and abhorrent his deeds had been, she could stare down without even so much as a twitch. This was someone she'd trusted, supported, shared everything with. Someone she'd seen at her worst and her best, someone she could read like a book, knew every emotion displayed on her face, someone she had held so many times, someone she had gotten to know intimately, someone she had shared kisses with, someone she had loved. Loved. What was left of that?

Her back hit the wall. Dead end. All of this had happened in mere seconds and Eli's fist slammed into the brick wall beside her head and Sofia cringed. She'd desperately tried not to, but no avail. Her body simply reacted. Despite her utmost trust in Eli. But one step further and she'd...

"I am fucking angry. If you were Leonard, I'd have punched and kicked your ass by now. And believe me, I want to. But you're-" Eli buried her face in her free hand and took a deep breath. As she met Sofia's widened blue eyes again, her stare was reproachful and suddenly emotionless.

"You know that you're being an ignorant, annoying bitch, huh? Get out!"

And Eli turned abruptly and returned to the railing, taking a swig out of the bottle.

Sofia just stood, seemingly unfazed and didn't react to Eli's disgusted remark, when all she wanted to do was to stomp over to Eli, shake her, slap her, punch her, yell at her, then hug her so tightly even Eli would have to understand that she wasn't alone, that she didn't need to be alone, that there still were things, people, friends, challenges, experiences worth climbing out of that hole Eli had dug for herself. Make her herself again.

"Sofia Curtis, I thought I'd made myself clear, this is your last out. I don't want you here, I sure as hell don't need you here and I want you to go. Just turn around and go. Leave me be. Get on with your life. You've made it through 35 years without me before, so why don't you just forget about me."

Forget about Eli? Not a chance in hell.

Sofia pushed herself off the wall, a new confidence in her, though she had no idea where she took that from.

"I'm not leaving until I'm convinced you at least bear a resemblance to being you again. Not this purposeless, angry, fucked-up, chain-smoking, drugged-up drunk. Whoring through this city. That's what you do, isn't it? Fucking the pain away? Did I cross your plans, oh, I'm so not sorry. I know you, Eli, I've seen you prowl around tonight. You're good at that, you know? It's practised, it's successful every time I guess."

Eli growled. She growled. But her shoulders slacked. The balance was shifting.

Sofia took slow steps towards Eli, knowing that by mentioning what was a fact, but had still been left unsaid so far, she moved into potentially dangerous territory.

Eli bucked once more, still trying to shake Sofia off.

"Oh yes, every time. More than ever before. You should know, Sofia, how they feel. Don't try and play dirty with me, I'm better at that. You've been there. Wanting me."

But the strength started to leave Eli. The fight started to leak out of her. This whole night had already taken too much out of her, she just wanted to get rid of Sofia and fall into bed. A couple of Tylenols. Sleep. Forget. Why didn't she just leave?

Sofia didn't even seem to have registered her come-back. She was on a roll now.

"Tell me, do you feel something when you fuck those women, those _girls_? Or is it just that in those fleeting moments, that are over oh so quickly since I'm guessing you don't allow them to return the favour, geez, I suppose you don't even bother undressing yourself, that you feel like you still have a certain amount of control, of power over something? Just to numb the pain and the remorse and the guilt you feel afterwards with more drugs and more alcohol?"

As if on cue, Eli took another gulp. Tired. So damn tired of fighting. Another swig. If she'd just pass out, it would be over. At least for tonight. She swayed a bit on the spot and opened her mouth to fire another tirade at her former friend, but what came out instead she hadn't planned. To tell the truth.

"I'm always numb. I'm dead inside, Sofia, I can't feel anymore. I don't feel a thing."

Startled by the cold, but so revealing response she hadn't anticipated, Sofia's anger diminished and she felt the first cracks in the armor she'd put on to shield herself from letting any of Eli's responses get to her.

"There are other ways, Eli. You did it before, you used your profession to find purpose. You're in control there. Serve and protect. You can safe others from the same or similar fates."

The urge to reach out, to grab Eli by the collar and pull her into her arms grew desperate as a wave of silent sobs suddenly shook Eli's body fiercely.

Oh God, don't break, just don't. She could just walk away and lock herself into her bedroom. Why didn't she just end this? But the words flowed out of her, beyond her control.

"That's nothing but an illusion, I can't control what's happening on the job. For one crime we prevent, we still have to deal with at least ten victims who hadn't had that luck. I can't face that again. I just can't. I'll either turn to stone or I'll break down completely."

Tentatively, Sofia stretched out her arm and her hand softly settled down on Eli's shoulder. A violent shudder ran through the length of Eli's body as she flinched at the light touch, shrugging it off.

"Don't. Don't touch me, Fia." The fear in Eli's cracking voice was almost tangible, but the use of the nickname she hadn't heard fall from her friends lips in so long spurred Sofia on.

"What do you think is going to happen if I do? What are you so afraid of, having your friends around? A friend around."

"I don't need your pity. I don't want to be comforted."

Taking another step forward, just barely invading Eli's space, Sofia scrutinized her in profile.

"I don't pity you. I'm worried, seriously worried. I've been so damn worried all this time. You're not as cold as you pretend to be. You're not as collected apart from those tears that you can't stop as you want to make everyone believe. But stop pitying _yourself _and start grieving. There's a world of pain inside you and as long as you don't let it out, you'll never be in control of anything again. And you think the compassionate and comforting touch of someone who really cares about you and for whom you care, or at least did so in the past if I wasn't completely mistaken, just as much, will do that to you, break down those barriers and you're so afraid to feel that hurt full force that you pushed _everyone_ away."

Eli's breath hitched and the tears stopped falling. She felt Sofia's threatening closeness, she felt the heavy weight of the truth her words had held. The ease with which Sofia still read her, knew her, really frightened her. She already felt numb, just how empty would she feel after she allowed herself to set all that pain free?

"That's cruel, Sofia. It is cruel to try and force that out of me. I don't want to go through that. Like this, like right now, I can survive. But I don't know if I can if..."

The warmth of a hand on her forearm penetrated Eli's daze and she felt herself starting to falter. Felt her last defenses crumble as the familiarity of the reassuring, caring, loving touch seeped into her skin and into her mind.

One simple touch and it made her knees go weak and she felt the sharp sting in her eyes again before the warmth reached her heart, along with Sofia's next, whispered words.

This was why she had put a distance between herself and everyone else. Everyone she loved. She didn't want this to happen and she knew it would. If someone would dare to just hold her, tell her she wasn't alone, tell her she had help dealing with all this, she knew she couldn't help herself anymore. She'd break. Sofia was about to break her, didn't she see that?

"I know you can. You can and you will survive. And not just that, you'll live, one day you'll live again. You'll find a way to go on, I know! You are one of the most strong-willed people I have ever met. You turned your life around before, you fought the pain and you fought feeling useless and empty, and you told me about the effort that had taken you. I know that that strength still exists. You can battle with those fears, with all this hurt, with the loss. It might seem unbearable right now, but it's not. You know, that quote you recited at the service came into my mind again. Whatever you were to each other, you still are. Life means the same it ever meant, it is the same it ever was. She's just around the corner. Out of sight, not out of mind. And surely never out of your heart. All can be well, Eli, you just have to learn to see that. She's waiting for you, she wouldn't have wanted you to change, she wouldn't have wanted you to suffer and she sure wouldn't want to see you treating yourself like this. She'll always be there, because she's so deep inside you, she's a part of you. And she'd want nothing more than to see you live your life, as happily as possible. She'd be so proud to see you go on. But right now, she'd kick your fucking skinny ass."

Sofia put emphasis on the last words and Eli felt a pang around her heart as if some cords had been cut as slender arms encircled her and held her, close, determined, almost brassbound and the words 'I know you can.' and 'Let it all out, let it go.' were muttered into her ear over and over again.

She wanted to be angry, to yell at Sofia for telling her what Sara would have wanted or said or thought. How did she dare speaking for her? She wanted to push her away, she wanted to hurt her, physically, for making her feel like that. For knowing which words needed to be said to get through to her. To make her feel like this. So weak. So much feeling. So much pain. In loving arms. She didn't deserve love. There was no more love. She was gone and she'd never ever get to be embraced, kissed, loved, held, supported, caught, freed by the one person she needed for her to do all that.

And Eli broke.

"Sara!" She gasped out, so strangled and hoarse, with so much pain that tears shot into Sofia's eyes spilling over and she felt her insides churn in pure reaction to the belated, real, ultimate awareness that made Eli's legs buckle under her once again and together they sank to the terracotta tiled floor.

And Sofia wasn't pushed away, she was being held in a death grip as Eli sobbed uncontrollably, wailed, moaned. Cried like she'd never seen someone crying.

So she gathered the taller woman in her lap, letting her lean fully into her smaller frame as Eli still clung to her for dear life and rocked her gently. Trembling herself, crying for and with her friend.

"I can't go on, Fia, I can't, not without her, I don't know how. She was my everything. She was my home."

Sofia clenched her jaw and tried to blink some of her own tears away, but they kept on falling. She pressed her face into dark locks and kissed Eli's crown, her breathing ragged and her own voice strained.

"I'm not going to leave you alone in this. I won't allow you to push me away again. I'm here and I'll stay here as long as you need me. I'm not leaving you alone. You can kick and scream and insult and mock me, but I'll get you through this. Whatever it takes, whatever you need, I'll make sure you get it."

Eli sobbed again and felt the honesty, the devotedness in Sofia's words. She let herself go and fell into the warm touch, into the soothing rocking motion. And cried.

Sofia shuddered. Holding Eli like this brought memories back she had sworn to herself never to revisit. That they had sworn to themselves and to each other to never mention again, to simply bury and forget. Even Sara never knew of the one day Eli had broken before. But there had been too many triggers today, too many words they had spat at each other before, and this time it had ended harmless by way of comparison. The fear Sofia had felt had a reason. Eli's reluctance to get physical with her had a reason. As did the trust they had in each other. A trust that went deeper than anything Sofia had ever felt. A trust Eli had proved being worthy of only in the very last second...

Sofia willed the memories away and held on even closer, though the sobs had turned into sniffles and Eli started shifting in her arms.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked huskily.

"You know what."

"And that was another reason I didn't want especially you close to me through this. I'll never forget that day."

"Eli-"

"No. God, I've made so many mistakes in my life."

"Forget about those. How do you feel?"

Eli slowly untangled herself out of the comfortable embrace, trembling at the cold that engulfed her as soon as Sofia's arms fell from her body. She immediately reached for the bottle, put Sofia beat her to it and placed it out of Eli's reach.

"No. No more alcohol for you today. You've had more than enough. And you're going to tell me where your other stuff is. It's going down the toilet. You don't need it."

"I'm already in too deep. Take it away from me now, completely, you'll have to go through detoxification with me. And don't want to put you through that."

Sofia raised her brow at her friend.

"With you? So I'm allowed here? I don't get thrown out once you recover from this first breakdown? Once you get back to being detached and numb?"

Eli cringed and took a couple of deep breaths.

"I think it's too late now. This is the point I tried to avoid so hard. Now I'd even say I will really need you here. If you're willing to put up with me. There's no going back anymore. And I have no clue how to get through."

Throwing Eli a cautious glance, Sofia nodded slowly.

"I told you I wouldn't leave you alone. I'm not going anywhere. And I think there is nothing left you could say or do to me that we haven't already been through in the past. But be damn sure of one thing, if you ever get physical with me again, I won't hesitate a second, I won't provoke you and trust for you to do the right thing, I won't even warn you before I'll bring you down. Not caring whether I hurt you or not. Because that day, you were sober. Now you surely won't be. Or in withdrawal, which could make it even worse."

Eli leaned against the railing, pulling her knees up to her body and resting her arms on them. She looked at Sofia with shame in her eyes.

"If I ever even so much as touch you the wrong way, I _want_ you to beat the crap out of me. Until the day-" She took a rattling breath, tears filling her eyes immediately, but she forced herself to say it out loud. "Until the day Sara died, I thought I'd never feel pain like that day again, Sofia. I couldn't look at myself for a pretty long time."

A long and pregnant silence followed as the two women stared at each other, Sofia sensing that that was by far not all Eli wanted to say.

"What is it? There's something you're not telling me."

Eli cracked her neck nervously and looked out upon the bay once more.

"I can't believe I never told her. No matter what the consequences would have been. You have no idea how I feel about having her die on me with this extra weight resting on my shoulders. She would have deserved to know. Hell, we were about to get married. And I kept that from her. I'm a liar and a cheater and I never told her. I hate myself for that."

"I'm sorry." Sofia offered, but she knew there was nothing she could do to erase the guilt or pain. What had happened, had happened, they couldn't take it back.

"It was my decision to make. I could have said no, despite the circumstances."

Sofia reached out and took Eli's shaking hand in hers.

"I guess we have got some coming to terms with the past to do, too. God, Eli, where do we even start?"

"You could start with telling me that you're not angry that I think what we did after-" Eli raised her brows and Sofia just nodded. "-was a mistake."

Sofia squeezed her eyes shut. Images flashed before them in rapid succession.

_The second Sofia picked up the phone, Eli started talking in a rush of panicked words._

_"She's gone, Fia. She left me. Most of her clothes are gone and her laptop and some more of her stuff. I did nothing, nothing! It was just a game to get the information I needed. I didn't even touch that woman-inappropriately. Tell me why she still doesn't trust me? After all I've done to make her see, after all I proved to her, time and time again that I've really changed. Why the fuck doesn't she trust me even this much? The first pretty face that comes along and she suspects instantly that I would cheat on her? Sofia... I can't lose her. I just can't. I'm afraid won't survive it this time."_

_Eli completely lost__ it. She sobbed into the phone so hard that Sofia was sure she could barely understand what she answered. She heard Eli trying to suppress the sobs, but she didn't succeed._

_"Eli, Eli, calm down, please! I- wait a second." She covered the speaker and told her current girlfriend, Lara, what was happening._

_"Honey, I gotta go, don't be mad."_

_"No, I'm not, just get dressed and drive over to her."_

_"She's my best friend, I have to-"_

_"Fia, just go. No need to worry about me."_

_"I'll eventually stay there over night, are you sure you won't mind?"_

_"Oh goodness gracious, get your ass over to Eli. Stay as long as you need to stay. Just call me some time to let me know how you are okay? Honey, that's my jeans. Oh Christ, give me that phone!"_

_Lara had snatched the cell out of Sofia's hand, who had tried to hurriedly get into the wrong pair of jeans, the first she'd picked up from the clutter of recently discarded clothes on the floor beside the bed. God, Eli had chosen a bad moment for that. She listened to her girlfriend trying to talk her best friend down while she got dressed._

_"Hey Eli, this is Lara. She'll be on her way in a minute, okay? Eli, you gotta keep it together. I don't know what happened, but I've seen the two of you together and if I was ever sure of a love when I saw one, it is what you and Sara have. Believe me, it's not over. Okay, I'll hand you back to Fia, she's ready to go. Take care, okay? Don't do anything stupid."_

_Sofia grabbed her purse and keys and took the cell back._

_"Eli? Is your spare key still in that flower box?"_

_All Eli could manage wa__s "Uh-huh.". _

_"Alright, I'll be there in a flash. I'm already on my way to the car. Ten minutes, tops. I love you, it's going to be okay, Eli."_

_"O-Okay. Thanks, Fia."_

_"See you in a sec."_

_She hung up, kissed her resignatedly smiling girlfriend soundly and threw her one last apologetic glance as Lara fell back into the cushions, naked as she was and just shook her head with a smile._

_She rushed out the door and knew she was going to break any traffic rule there was to get to Eli as fast as she could._

* * *

><p><em>"Eli!" <em>_Sofia ripped the door open and approached Eli, who sat on the couch, rocking herself with her arms around her legs. The plunges into the couch beside her and instantly threw her arms around the sobbing woman. Eli buried my head in her long blonde hair, holding on to her tightly. She cried into her shoulder and Sofia soothed her, ran her hands down her back, whispered encouragements in her ear._

_After what seems like an eternity Sofia slowly let go of Eli and grunted a bit as she moved into a more comfortable position, massaging her right leg that had fallen asleep._

_"Thank you. I needed that, Fia. I let her down. She was desperate and exhausted and this close to breaking down and I wasn't there for her. I bit off more than I could chew with that investigation and I was so determined to prove something, I'm not even sure of what, that I simply forgot about caring. How could I have been so blind and dumb. And then on top of that I tried to have her removed from her case behind her back. I broke her trust. Now she's gone."_

_"Have you tried calling her?"_

_"Damn sure I have. Her cell is going directly to voicemail. Then I tried Greg. He was really short and just said he doesn't know where she is. Probably somewhere out in the desert."_

_Sofia took Eli's shaking hand and squeezed it tightly._

_"So she's at Greg's. That's a good thing. Going to someone you are both close with is a good sign, you know?"_

_"How's that a good sign when he sounds like he wants to strangle me over the phone. She's been his friend for years and he trusts her completely. Whatever she will be telling him, he'll believe it."_

_Sofia watched Eli__ ineffectively bite back another wave of sobs. _

_"I hate this. I hate feeling so weak, so not in control, not even in control over my own body"._

_Sofia shuffle__d closer yet again._

_"Aw, give him some credit. Greg is a lot of things, but he isn't judgmental and he doesn't jump to conclusions. It's natural that he takes care of Sara at first, but he won't built his opinion upon one-sided information."_

_Eli__ sniffled a bit, but nodded weakly._

_"Tell me what to do, Eli, I'm not really good at these things." She really didn't know how to deal with this, but Eli looked up at her in surprise. "You're perfect. You left her girlfriend behind in what seemed like a very intimate moment I interrupted and were by my side in the blink of an eye. You're here. That's all I need."_

_Sofia smiled cheekily and pulled__ out the sofa, fetched a few blankets and pillows and they lied down side by side. They didn't talk much more. Running her hand down Eli's side in a calming rhythm, Sofia fell asleep just shortly after Eli finally gave up on fighting her exhaustion and wrapped in her friend's embrace her breathing had evened out._

"Sofia, tell me you're not angry..." Eli's voice brought her back from reliving that day.

She slowly opened her eyes and they fixated the anxious looking woman in front of her.

Inhaling, she stalled answering. The ambiguity of her feelings churned her up. But there was only one possible answer.

"I'm not angry or mad or disappointed. Quite some time has passed. And all I ever was is shocked. I'll never, for the rest of my life, forget anything that happened, but I agree, it was a mistake. Freakin' all of it was, Eli. You fucked up, I did too and the rest was the cherries on top a horrible day. It was better for Sara to not know. But it was hard looking at her and knowing I betrayed her trust in me, in our friendship. I can't even begin to imagine how you managed to keep it to yourself and appear like nothing ever-"

"Sofia."

"Huh?"

"Shut up!"

Eli clenched her jaw, her eyes flying shut and she, too, was there again.

* * *

><p><strong>I know it's really mean to stop <strong>**more or less in the middle of a flashback.**

**But**** I'll let you wonder. I gave enough hints that you can puzzle it together easily, and I'm not sure whether I want to go into detail or just let you put the pieces together and guess.**

**Thanks for reading.  
><strong>

**I might need a little extra time, again, beside normal life and everything, there's also the Women's Soccer World Cup right now. And our girls kick ass! What's the name of the game where 22 people fight for a ball and in the end, Germany wins? Soccer! Exactly! Though I'm only with the girls. If it's the boys playing, I'm proudly wearing three lions on my white or red shirt, chanting ENGLAND, ENGLAND, ENGaLA-AND... I'm weird that way, especially for a German... **


	8. A matter of trust

**Just try and go with it...**** If you don't want to read the flashback, please wait for chapter 9., it will pick up exactly where 7. left off and will take you further through the actual story without the details of Eli and Sofia's encounter in the past.**

**Flashback is ****Eli's POV**

* * *

><p>8. A matter of trust<p>

_As I wake, I feel the weight of an arm rest on my side and it's wrapping me into a close embrace. The heat of another body warms my back and it takes me a second to realise that I'm sleeping on the __softly cushioned couch and the arm doesn't belong to Sara, but I have Sofia cuddled comfortably into me. She must have noticed that the person she's holding is awake now, but she doesn't seem to remember that it's me, since her hand starts drawing lazy circles on my stomach. I try to wriggle out of her arm, but even in her state of half-sleep, she's surprisingly strong and holds on to me even tighter._

_"Uh, Sophie, would you please let me get up? You're on my couch, remember? You're not home."_

_She mumbles something unrecognizable and all of a sudden I feel her lips on my neck. I jump off the couch not caring that I almost dislocate her shoulder._

_"Whoa!"_

_"What the fuck? Oh, geez!"_

_We stare at each other in shock, Sofia wide awake now._

_"Did I just?"_

_"Yeah, you did."_

_"Oh, fuck, I forgot it was you."_

_"I kinda felt that."_

_"I'm so sorry, I-"_

_"Hey, hey, it's okay. I didn't mind being held I actually think I wouldn't have managed to sleep at all without you here, but the stroking and kissing was not really necessary."_

_I can't help it, a chuckle escapes me. I still feel like a fuck-up, but this situation is so typically Sofia and me. She turns white as a sheet as it dawns on her that she really just nuzzled and kissed my neck._

_It amuses me to no end to see her so dumbstruck and for the first time since I got home I feel a bit lighter. But the amusement is no genuine feeling. I use it to cover up my frustration and fear and anger. My chuckle sounds mad even to my own ears. God, I'm losing it. I decide to play on. I just can't fall apart, not this easily._

_"You know, I'm kinda disappointed in you, Lieutenant. I call you in my darkest hour and you take advantage of it and almost molest me, not caring about my situation or your girlfriend. What will Lara say when I tell her that you still have the hots for me?"_

_Sofia growls and blushes profusely._

_"Oh, shut up, Eli! I was still asleep and I've gotten used to waking up next to my girlfriend, not some random chick I don't even remember why I ended up on her couch. Some sort of heartache, I think."_

_I know she didn't mean it that way, but her words knock the air right out of my lungs and the already forced snicker gets stuck in my throat. An anger of such force, completely foreign to me, for me, bubbles up._

_"Fuck you, Fia!" I hiss. "That was uncalled for. Actually, the whole thing was really kind of funny so far and I'm in desperate need for some elation. Thanks for ruining that moment."_

_"Argh, Eli! I'm sorry, that came out so wrong. I didn't mean to hurt you."_

_I just turn and start walking towards the kitchen. I've had enough of it. Yesterday, it was just panic and sadness and fear, now Sofia has opened the floodgates for an anger I just cannot suppress._

_"Safe it. You know what? Go home, Sofia. I really appreciate you staying here tonight, but I think I'll manage now. Go home and finish what you wanted to start back there. You don't have to be here if you'd rather be fucking with your girl. I don't need you."_

_I lash out at her even though I know it's more than unfair. She's done everything right and I probably do need her support for some more time. But I'm hurting and I need some kind of release and right now she has become my punching bag._

_She sits at the edge of the sofa and looks utterly crestfallen and extremely confused. Like she couldn't catch up from our antics to my immense anger. But the fog of red-dotted anger clouds my vision more and more. _

_Then she's on her feet and gets in my face faster than I can back up into the kitchen._

_"You know what, Eli? I don't want to play your games. You have no fucking right to be angry. Not at me. You have no fucking idea what I should or want to do right now. I came here for you and I will stay here for as long as you need me if you get your anger under control. You are my best friend. You say jump and I ask how high, as long as I know you'll be there to catch my fall. But I will not let you insult me just because you're hurting."_

_I can't tame the ire inside of me. I try, but I can't. She shouldn't have gotten in my face. My mind can't really process her words right now. Years of pent up frustration, of fight and hunger for the one thing that I needed to have forgiven resurface in the fear of losing that exact thing after just so little time. _

_Like the world has formed a pact against me. Given me a taste of the bliss I thrived for just to snatch it out of my grasp the second I started believing that it was really going to last, this time._

_"I don't need your pity." I spit out. "And I have every right to be angry. Twelve years of work, twelve years of becoming the best of me, twelve years of trying to make amends and she blows me off like some cheap hook up after one fight, one disagreement, one misunderstanding? I __so don't need this. I should just go back to the person I was, life was so much easier back then. And I should have fucked you when I had the chance. I bet you're a bomb, Sofia. I wanted to get into your pants when I first saw you, but I was too much of that good girl I made myself become."_

_The change in her expression and posture is immediate and profound. She's ready to fight now. And oh, how I want her to fight. I've talked myself into a rage, a burning rage, she doesn't know what she's getting herself into._

_"I don't recognize you. This is not you. Where have you gone Eli, that you feel compelled to stoop so low. You don't want her anymore? You want to throw away those years? I don't believe you."_

_Now it's my turn to growl. And right now, I don't care. I just feel my life slipping through my fingers, slick and deftly. Now I am really panicking. If not for Sara, what have I got? What could possibly keep me here? I can't bear to simply accept defeat. It's better to run now than to face that humiliation. That defeat. _

_"You see what I have done. I don't deserve her, I never have. So why bother. I tried, but obviously I'm still not good enough to make her happy. I'm done trying. Maybe who I was is who I've always supposed to be. And don't try to turn the tables on me, you won't guilt me into turning back."_

_She's stepping closer, right into my personal space. But I'm on a roll now. I've dug out my worst and I intend to use it. Sofia is such an easy one to fight with. So trusting, so good, so committed to the right thing. But she doesn't lack passion and she's stubborn and insistent. And when I look into her eyes, I see a challenge. A fire that speaks of more than friendship. Still. This will be good. This will be just like the old times..._

_"And you, don't act like you're any better. I can see it in your eyes. There still is something. Don't pretend to be so high and mighty, Sofia. You know what, since I just decided to leave, this is your one and only chance. Take what you wanted all along. There's no tomorrow. Lara will never know. By tonight, I will be gone and I won't look back." _

_I speak the words though I don't really mean them but the moment they are out of my mouth, they sound oddly reasonable. I think I've just made a decision. I'm trying desperately to force a reaction out of her that is even more than anger, more than a try to turn me around, to get through to me, something more violent. If I won't take on the fight I should really be fighting, this has to suffice._

_We are standing toe to toe now. And I really like the motions that run over her face. For a second I think I saw her really considering my offer. She wouldn't. All she wants is to force me to see that I wouldn't do it. That there still is hope. She's with Lara and I am just - just so damn desperate and angry._

_The next few minutes feel like they are going by in slow motion. _

_Sofia's face falls and the fight seems to leave her. That look of submission, of acquiesce doesn't suit her. Why won't she fight? Why won't she just shove me away and shake __or even punch some sense into me? Kick my ass and change my mind. Why do I feel like I've bitten off more than I can possibly chew?_

_"Okay. Run away. Hide from what you fought for so hard. I won't tell anyone if you don't either."_

_My breath hitches as with that sentence, she slowly starts to open her shirt, button by button. My expression remains stoic as I grab her chin and force her backwards against the kitchen counter, brushing the shirt off her arms in one swift movement. My leg is between hers as I pin her to the counter. _

_She can't b__e real. She wouldn't... But she does. And the part of me that doesn't want to run, that wants to hurt, wants to fight, even revels in her ridiculous easiness, wants to see someone else but me fall apart reacts to her. I laugh, looking her straight into the eyes._

_"Really, Sofia? Who's stooping low now?" _

_Her eyes challenge me to go through with it. I can't believe she is really doing this. I can't believe she really wants it. I give her one last chance to avert her eyes or give me any hint that this is not consensual, that she was really just daring me, hoping I wasn't serious, to snap me out of my rage with her boldness. Then I bend my leg and grind into her. Her eyes never leave mine and all I see is ice cold fury. My grip on her chin hardens, my fingers are close to leaving bruises on her beautiful face. Never before in my life have I been that close to really hurting someone I called my friend up until about ten minutes ago. Whatever happens next, one thing is sure, I am crossing a line and I won't be able to go back. And I don't care. I don't want to go back. _

_Sofia takes the hand that is balled to a fist at my side, pries it open and much too gently places my palm over her lace bra onto her breast. I lift my knee an inch more and that's when I get my reaction._

_Dead seriously she husks it out, her low voice tinged with just the slightest bit of fear._

_"Do it already. Prove that you're still an asshole. Prove it to me! Because I still don't believe it. Do it, Eli, fuck me and lose every last bit of self respect that's still in you. And you better make it one I'm going to remember."_

_Wrong move, Curtis._

_I lean in so that my body covers hers completely and she has nowhere left to go. If this was indeed a game, she has lost. I take her earlobe between my teeth and bite down until she whimpers. I whisper into her ear, my voice sugar coated._

_"I promise you, you're not going to forget this. You don't believe that this is me? I make you believe."_

_I run my tongue down her neck, feeling her heart beat wildly. I let go of her chin and both my hands grab her wrists and I firmly plant them behind her onto the countertop. _

_"How, Sofia? Like we were lovers, slow and intense and gentle? Or fitting for the situation, a hard, fast fuck against the counter?" I nip at her neck. My vision narrows. The world fades out. It's just me and her and my fear-induced rage. "Say I was right. Say you underestimated me. Say it!" I yell. Her breath hitches and her eyes search for mine. The coldness is paired with very visible fear now. _

_And __I freeze. I have seen that look before._

_I can feel myself falter. I feel my grip loosen and my __fury is slipping out of my grasp, completely. The world around me lights up and suddenly I'm painfully aware of everything that I let happen during those few short, but irreversible moments._

_Her eyes look too much like- Claire's. She's scared shitless. I know she's strong, both physically and mentally, I suppose she could get out of this if she really wanted to. She's a cop, she knows how to do the most damage with the least of movements. But for some reason she doesn't move. __When would she have stopped me? Would she have stopped me?_

_She still trusts me. And I know that she can see it in my eyes right this very moment that her trust in me wasn't futile._

_Then I start to feel it. Her whole body is shaking and her legs start to give out. A violent tremble runs through my own body as I slowly let her slide down to the floor and I have just enough control over my body to send her a look of utter shock and disbelief over what I'd just been attempting to do and run my hand gently over her cheek before my stomach lurches and I burst through the patio doors and drop to my knees, throwing up. I gag until there's nothing left and still it doesn't stop. Tears stream down my cheeks while I dry-heave, again and again. I curl up on the wooden floor, gasping for air in-between sobs and the last vain attempts of my body to get everything out of my system as a warm washcloth is placed on my neck and a hand runs in soothing circles over my back._

_I close my eyes and lift my arm, as if pleading her to stop it, I can't bear the thought that she's taking care of me after what I had nearly done to her. I don't want to hear what she has to say, I'm not worth anything right now. And never again. But I can't escape her in my state._

_Her voice is rough, I can tell she is crying, too._

_"I've never really been afraid of anything, Eli. And I was convinced I'd get you if I just pushed you far enough. But this was-" She pauses and I can hear the sobs she's trying to hold back. "I was afraid of you. Fuck, I've been really scared. And still something inside me told me just to trust my first instinct. To trust you that you would realise what was happening. Do you know what a close call this was?"_

_The convulsions have stopped, it seems like my whole body has slowed down and is listening to her. I take the cloth and wipe the snot and vomit off my face , spit the last remnants of bitter bile to the side and take a sip from the cold water bottle Sofia must've placed beside me before I turn to face her. I have to do it now or this last bit of trust will be gone for good._

_As I look into her clear blue eyes all I see is compassion. No fear, no hate, no pity, just love and compassion. And then I see the marks on her chin, standing out dark against her fair skin._

_"I hurt you." Is all I can manage._

_She shakes her head and huffs._

_"You've hurt me on so many levels today, the physical side is the least of it. Come on, get up."_

_I carefully pick myself up from the floor and the second I am standing upright, she slaps me, hard enough to make my head whip to the side and my cheek burn like fire. _

_Merely a second later she wraps herself around me, her whole body shaking again and finally she doesn't even try to smother her sobs, she cries into my shoulder openly and tries to yell at me at the same time._

_"Don't you ever go to that place again. For a minute there I thought I'd really lost you, that you'd given up. You weren't yourself anymore, Eli, do you realise that? You were gone and instead of you there was this raging, panicking animal in the kitchen. Fuck you for making me love you that much that I trust you so deeply. What if you hadn't snapped out of it? I know I provoked you, I know I more than went with it, challenged you, but-"_

_As gently as I can possibly manage I touch her chin in the same places I just had a few minutes ago and she abruptly stops talking. I run my fingers over her face and kiss her forehead. I can feel my tears falling as I kiss her temple and then rest my chin on her head, holding her as close as humanly possible._

_"Thank you, Fia. God only knows what I would have done if you had left instead of confronting me. Maybe it wasn't the right way, I'd rather have had you hit me, but something like this will never happen again. Thank you for trusting me, even when every fiber in your body must have screamed at you to get away from me."_

_She clings to me as much as I cling to her. I know that something is broken, but I don't dare to think about it yet. She's still here, isn't she?_

_"I shouldn't have pushed you that far. I got sucked into it. Hell, I was almost more afraid of myself than I had been of you. With just the slightest chance that you'd snap out of it, I would've -"_

_"Don't. Don't say that. Don't even think it. You'll never get the picture out of your mind. You'll never be able to look into my eyes anymore."_

_"It's too late. I would have gone through with it. You'd never hurt me, Eli, not more than I would've allowed you to, for the right outcome."_

_"I wanted to hurt someone. I lost control. Sofia, we both know what we are talking about. Even if you wouldn't have said no-"_

_This time it's Sofia who shuts me up. In a way I didn't understand at that moment. She kissed me. Soft, but demanding and deep. After a few seconds, we fall into a rhythm, as if we had been doing this for years. I mean, we did kiss before, but never like that. This kiss means something, to both of us. She pulls me back inside with her, never breaking contact. Her hands are on my face, her cold palms soothing my still burning cheek, then they're in my hair pulling me down to her, deeper and deeper into that kiss. I still don't get it. I must be gross to kiss me right now and I scared her, hurt her, behaved like the world's biggest fuck-up. But she makes me lose all track of time and reason. All I can feel is her mouth on mine, her tongue brushing over mine, her body pressed into me and I wonder what it is we are doing._

_As we break apart, we're both panting. Sofia still cups my face and stares deep and intensely into my eyes._

_"This is the way I want to remember any kind of intimacy I ever shared with you. Not that knee between my legs, not your teeth or your tongue on my skin, mocking me. This is the reason I would have done it. Because this is you. This is the person a part of me will always be in love with. This is the you I trust with my life. You were right, Eli. You were right all along, even in your anger."_

_Right then, my phone beeps and she lets go of me instantly._

_"Go get that. I have a gut feeling it's Sara. You willing to fight again?"_

_I gaze at her with wonder and amazement in my eyes and simply croak out: "Yes."_

_I have a text. And it's indeed f__rom Sara. I read it once, twice, three time, then I throw the phone towards Sofia, who catches it and starts reading herself._

_"No. She doesn't mean that. She doesn't, Eli. Whatever she is thinking right now, she's wrong."_

_I slump down on the couch and remain silent, thinking about Sara's words._

_'__I'll be coming by tomorrow afternoon to pick up the rest of my stuff. I got a storage compartment for my furniture, it'll be gone by Friday. It's hard to understand that you don't trust me after everything and that you fall so easily back into old behaviour. I kinda feel like you played me from the moment I came back to Vegas. I will hand in my two week's notice and I'll start over somewhere far away from San Francisco or Vegas. Far away from you. Good-bye Eli. I still believe you are the love of my life but I also resent this other side to you. It's a pity. Sara'_

* * *

><p><em>I have taken a shower and then left the bathroom to Sofia, who's in the tub at the moment. <em>

_This is all too much for me. A thousand pictures race through my mind all at the same time. Sara and me in Frisco, joking about our future, her contorted face as she yells at me, my dismissal of her worries, the half-empty closet, Sofia comforting me, me pinning her to the counter, the look on her face as admits how scared she was, but that ultimate portrayal of trust. _

_I wanna fight. I want my life back, the life I __already fought so damn hard for._

_But__ that kiss is still tingling on my lips. It's messing with me. It's making me weak. But it has also given me my strength back. It's what I needed. It's what Sofia needed to put me back into the place I occupied in her life before. _

_I decide to give her some space, leave a blanket and a pillow on the couch and disappear into my bedroom before she's out of her bath._

_Lying on my back, hands locked behind my head I stare up at the ceiling for the longest time, then I close my eyes in defeat and wonder how I will ever get out of this dilemma again. I've tried calling Sara again and again, all with the same result, the calls are redirected to her mailbox. I close my eyes and will the tears that are threatening to fall again away. _

_Am I even supposed to fight or will she just retreat for good if I start pressuring her. I have means to get in contact with her if I really wanted to. Why doesn't she even give it a try and talks to me about everything. _

_I feel the mattress shift under an additional weight and feel Sofia slip beside me, smelling of my lotion._

_I don't get__ why she's still here. I offered to call her a cab since she didn't appear to be in any state to drive, but she refused. I get even less why she's decided to come to me again instead of just heading to the living room to curl up on the couch and let the TV distract her. I don't even dare to open my eyes, I couldn't stand to look at her right now. I only realise that I have indeed started to cry again as I feel her fingers softly wiping the moisture away from my face. She cradles my head with her arms and I bury it in her shoulder while she once again shifts closer to me and I hesitantly allow myself to bask in the warmth she is radiating, both with her body and her calming presence. As the first sob escapes me again, I am wrapping my arms around her and in a string of half whined, half whispered words I apologize over and over again. _

_Again it is__ a strange and intimate closeness after the whole scenario in the kitchen. Even stranger when as she calms me, she starts kissing my crown, my forehead, my temples. _

_As I finally open my eyes and look at her, there's an expression of irritation, doubt and insecurity on her face. Like she can't fully fathom what she's doing or why. Staring straight into my eyes, she closes in and delivers a soft and short kiss to my lips. Blindly I tangle my hand in her long blonde hair and hold her head close to mine, close enough that our breaths still mingle. _

_I need her warmth, her reassurance. I need to know that we're going to be fine. But the gleam in her eyes tells me exactly what she wants, but doesn't dare to express._

_"Do you love her?" I ask._

_Sofia never breaks my gaze and nods while she answers._

_"I think I'm getting there, yes."_

_"You know I love Sara with every beat of my heart? That I'm gonna fight tooth and nail to get her back?"_

_We've got to get this straight._

_"Of course I do."_

_"You know that I never meant to hurt you? That you're incredibly important to me and that I hope nothing __is ever gonna change that?"_

_Her glance flickers from my eyes to my lips and back again, confusion in her baby blues._

_"Yes."_

_"T__ell me Sofia, what the fuck are we doing right now?"_

_Her fingertips run over my cheeks and still on my lips, on her face an expressio__n of sheer curiosity, wonder and devotion._

_"I'm not sure."_

_"Do you want to sleep with me, Sophie?"_

_Her silence answers my question._

_"Why now?"_

_She just shakes her head, tears welling up in her eyes._

_"Don't make me explain. I just need you right now. Yes or no!"_

_I know that this will make everything so much more complicated. I know that neither of us will __probably be able to keep what's happened today and what eventually will happen to ourselves. _

_I lean in and it's me initiating the kiss this time. It's a mere brush of lips, but I instantly feel a change in her, she's tensing in my grip and the tiniest, most silent whimper escapes her._

_As I pull back, her eyes have closed and see a Sofia I have never seen before. Flushed, breathing hard, eyes squeezed shut and desperately trying to cling to her last bit of conviction that this should feel so wrong. _

_"Why does this feel so right?" _

_Her voice is less than a whisper._

_"Because we're both vulnerable after today, and we both wanted this to happen before. And I am not that person you confronted, I am not violent and I surely would never force myself on someone. Looking back at those minutes I get afraid of myself. I am a gentle person, Sofia, but it's hurting so much right now. And sharing this proximity now is comforting. It's me proving to you that that wasn't me. Like I have to exorcise what's happened and replace it with something that's real, that's me. I know it will backfire, with a vengeance. But I can't seem to let go of you."_

_"Then don't." She's started into my last word. "Don't let go. But make me forget this other Eli before those touches are burnt into my memory for good. Replace those, too."_

_I pull her head closer and kiss her in earnest again. It's a desperate, yet tender exploration. It's weird, it's completely crazy, stupid even. But I can't pull away and I honestly don't want to._

_As she sits up and without a word removes her top, I let my hands run down her body. I never had a doubt, but she's beautiful. She arches her back and presses her chest into my hands as I gently cup her breasts and even the tiniest flick of my fingers rewards me with a loud moan._

_She rips the shirt over my head and her eyes slowly take in all the ink she has never seen before, soon her hands follow the path of her eyes._

_Feeling her shudder above me, I wonder what's going through her mind._

_She kisses me sensually, grinding __down on my lap in rotating motions. It takes my breath away. Suddenly, without a warning, she grabs my wrists and pins me down to the mattress, shaking her head._

_"Eli, Eli-listen. We can still stop. We can just slip into our shirts again and sleep. You don't need to do this to prove anything to me. I know who you are. I will feel just as safe and reassured just laying here."_

_I blink rapidly. She lifts herself off me, hovering on her hands and knees. I react to her far too strongly. I shouldn't, I should pull away and do the reasonable thing as long as nothing has really happened. But the glint in her eyes that she tries so hard to hide, having her pinning me to the bed..._

_I close my eyes for a moment._

_So wrong, so damn wrong._

_But-_

_"The frightening thing is, Sofia, I want this just as much." And my head surges up, and I'm kissing her with all I have._

_All I will be able to recall later is that I __yelled, loud and very much to Sofia's pleasure. And I'd never forget her taste or the way she almost suffocated me, clutching my head between her thighs, urging me to go on even though I'm sure she could barely stand any more stimulation. I remember the string of harsh curse words that left her mouth as she came one last time, I remember the limpness I felt in my arms and that she was almost insatiable, like she tried to make up for a lifetime in one single night. I know that she moaned and groaned and screamed herself hoarse. We gave and took in equal amounts, exhausting all of the already little energy we still had in us. We left everything behind us. _

_I'm drenched in sweat, her hair is clinging to her face and back and shoulders as we lie entangled on crumpled, moist sheets._

_"Eli, what did you do to me?"_

_I kiss her again, trying not to think too much about everything that has just taken place in this bed._

_"_Everything_ you asked me to do to you."_

_She shakes her head and buries it deep in the cushions._

_"Fia, don't fall again."_

_"I don't think I can promise you that, ever."_

_"Why have I been afraid that you'd say that?"_

_"Because there always was something. It's just there. But I won't pay it any attention. It'll pass, it always has. I've got someone to go home to."_

_Panic grips me. Tightly. All, everything that has happened over the duration of not much more than five hours crashes down on me. _

_How the hell did I let this happen?_

_"Eli?" Sofia can read me, and she knows exactly what's going through my mind._

_"I'm- I- Sofia, I can't..." Words completely fail me. I grab my clothes and dress in a frantic hurry. "I gotta get out of here, I gotta... Fuck! What have we done? How- Why? Sofia, do you know..."_

_"Eli!" Her voice is strained, but so stern and demanding like I've never heard it. "You listen to me and you listen to me good. I'm not going to say this again. I knew you'd regret this. Hell, I already do, too. But it's simple, really. This, all of this, has never happened. I came here, I took care of you, as a friend. Stayed by your side until I was convinced you had a grip on yourself."_

_She slowly gets up, not caring that she's stark naked._

_I tremble, I fidget, wring my hands, I look away._

_"A grip on myself? I'm not even..."_

_"Shut up!" She approaches me and her hands reach up to my cheeks, her grip on my face determined._

_"You are going to find her, talk to her, fight to your last to convince her that her judgment of the situation was wrong. I'm going to back you up, because she is wrong. Show her how much you love her, how much you need her. And we are good, Eli. I forgave you. And from this moment on, it's also forgotten. Get this into your head. Nothing ever happened. Nothing, you get that? This won't ever be mentioned again. There's nothing to feel guilty about. All that counts is Sara, who's probably sulking and drinking cheap beer on Greg's couch while grouchily watching 'Farscape' or some of the other crap Greg's so fanatic about. Go and get your girl back. But take a shower first, pick out something less pathetic to wear for later and then we'll sleep. Just sleep, okay?"_

_"And what about us?" I hesitantly probe._

_Sofia shrugs. I just can't understand how she can be so nonchalant and convinced. _

_"What about us?" She says with raised eyebrows._

_And I understand. Nothing has happened starts right now._

_I lower my glance and nod. I can do that. I've done it dozens of times before. I've cheated and played it down, just simply forgot it. I can pull that off one last time. I need to. I need Sara in my life._

_"Nothing." I mumble._

_"Good girl. Now can I take another shower, too?" _

_Disbelief must still be written in bold letters across my face, because Sofia approaches me again, placing a chaste kiss on my cheek. "_

_We're good. Nothing has changed. __ I'm always there for you and Lara is absolutely adoring you and Sara."_

_I gasp and try to comprehend, try to adjust. If I ever underestimated a person, it has been Sofia. I don't think I will ever look at her the same way again. She's twisted. _

_"Bathroom's all yours. I'm gonna get us something to drink and then it's my turn." I say with a dry throat and twisted insides. Her nonchalance already makes it all appear like a dream. Like a very bad one at first and then a very hot, very disturbingly fantasy._

_As she starts heading towards the bathroom, I call her again._

_"Fia." She turns and now has the decency to blush slightly as I allow my eyes one last time to roam over her still uncovered body._

_"Huh?"_

_"You understand me right when I say that I love you?"_

_She smirks and huffs._

_"Yeah. I do, too."_

_That was it. Things did go back to normal soon. And surprisingly easy. _

_Getting Sara to come back home __was not nearly as hard as I had imagined. Our relationship was strained for some time, but not as damaged as I had feared. And I added a new tattoo to my collection. Directly under my left breast, along my ribs now runs the quote: The most important things are always the hardest to say. _

_Not much later __Lara dumped Sofia unceremoniously. I'm still convinced Lara had a suspicion about what happened while Sofia was with me, and Sofia didn't mourn the loss for long. Life went on pretty much the same way it had before. I never forgot, but I managed to bury the memory in the farthest recesses of my mind._

* * *

><p>Eli looked up and found exactly what she was looking for. The understanding in Sofia's eyes had a devastating effect on Eli.<p>

Why had she ever tried pushing Sofia away? She was the only one who could possibly help her through this. She was the only other person who really knew how Eli worked. And she was the only one left that Eli trusted implicitly.

"Sofia?" Eli voice was weak and hoarse. Desperate. "Would you really stay?"

"With you? Through anything."

* * *

><p><strong>Yes, I made Eli cheat on Sara, but please remember that this is the AU-version, I can't <strong>**seem to say it often enough. This was one of the first scenes I wrote for this story, but it was definitely the hardest to edit and the one I'm the most anxious about. I'm not sure how you'll react, so just hit me. **


	9. Rearrangements

**Suddenly it went oh so very smoothly. So why withhold this for longer than necessary. Back to the story.**

* * *

><p>9. Rearrangements<p>

_Why had she ever tried pushing Sofia away? She was the only one who could possibly help her through this. She was the only one who understood how Eli worked. And she was the only one left that Eli trusted._

_"Sofia?" Eli voice was weak and hoarse. Desperate. "Would you really stay?"_

_"With you? Through anything."_

The rest of the night was spent in a strange, but comforting familiarity and almost silence. Something that seemed at this very moment, after all that had foregone it, so new and incomprehensible to Eli, yet older and much more comfortable than she'd like to admit to herself. That bond she had formed with the woman across from her had always astounded her. After their initial awkwardness and almost hostility had been overcome after the shooting, she'd always carried a feeling of knowing Sofia much longer than she really had inside of her. She'd become the female counterpart to Leonard in so many respects. The deep-seated trust, one the effortlessness in their interactions and the attraction that had nothing to do with romantic love but merely displayed a possibility she had once made use of with Leonard, which was caused by their respective appealing physical traits, but had never really entertained having with Sofia, other than in those early days when they hadn't been more than two people who had to work together regardless of their opinion about the other. Someone else had always claimed that spot in her thoughts, always, far beyond simple attraction, Eli had always been Sara's to have. And then Sofia had gone beyond that undercurrent of attraction and had pushed it to the surface, aware that she hadn't stood a chance. Once it had been pushed down again, they'd been fine. They'd always been fine. And the bump in that road had been forgiven and forgotten. And then Eli had cast her aside like a tool that just didn't work properly anymore, though it did, it still did and always would work. Sitting here in silence, Eli realised once again what a colossal mistake she'd had made. That maybe she could have been better already. If she had only allowed Sofia to be there. But she was now. Leonard had given up on Eli. Sofia hadn't.

As much as they had usually talked with each other whenever they'd spent time together, as little words were actually necessary for them to understand the other, especially right now. Glances, gestures, expressions were more than enough.

Sofia would stay. And in the morning, over a coffee and with minds a bit less preoccupied, they'd talk. About how it was all supposed to go on.

* * *

><p>Eli led Sofia to the guest bedroom, which had remained unused until now, and retrieved some sheets and covers, placed fresh towels in the adjoining bathroom.<p>

"You okay?" She asked as she leaned in the doorframe, watching her friend make the bed.

"Uh-huh..." Sofia struggled with linens and the smallest hint of a smile tugged at the corners of Eli's mouth. This was probably the most normal and domestic thing she'd seen anyone do in a long, long time.

In a sudden flash of all the resurfacing emotions of the past hours, she rushed over and hugged a surprised Sofia - who dropped the cushion she was holding to the floor - so hard she almost lifted her off the floor. Sofia returned the embrace with elation and didn't know whether she should cry or laugh as Eli's strangled voice stated what she'd never thought she'd hear from her friend again, before she let go of the smaller blonde and hurried out the room, as if embarrassed by her admission.

"I missed you so much."

* * *

><p>Sleep wouldn't come. And Eli didn't want to force it, didn't even want it. She had been spared from having too many nightmares, showing her scenes she'd never actually seen, but she could feel it in her very bones that with her tight grip on her emotions loosened, they would come crashing down on her now.<p>

The minutes and then hours ticked by, she felt her body relax a bit at first, then the alcohol level in her blood fell and for the first time she consciously and quite curiously observed what the drinking had done to her. She felt the craving not to let it fall too low. She felt her muscles starting to lightly cramp, her stomach revolting, the nausea intensifying. She tasted bile as she burped and the onset of a serious heartburn. It would be one of those mornings where she would barely manage to drink her coffee, spiked or not. Where she would force herself to drink some magnesium and chew some anti-acids. Wait for the sharp burning in her throat to soften until she could have her first real drink.

She started to sweat. She lifted her hands in the darkness of her bedroom, held them up close in front of her eyes to be able to see them and watched equally fascinated and frightened how they shook just the slightest bit.

Eli chewed on her lower lip, then bit it, trying to hold the tears at bay. _Love, why did you have to be there? Why you? Why did you have to die on me? There was so much we had planned, so much we wanted to see, do, we had so much to live for. Our life together was only just beginning. I wish you'd left me something more than just this poem. I know it was for me, I know it was supposed to tell me what you couldn't or simply didn't dare to put in your own words. To go on without you. To just keep on living like I always had, even without you by my side. Don't stumble, don't fall, don't put your life on hold, on pause, on mute. But you overestimated me. I can't. Maybe you could even relate, but you'd still scold me like a child for being on the best way to becoming an alcoholic, over you. No, over me. It's not your fault. Nothing of this whole mess is your fault. It was always me who made the mistakes, always me who didn't see things in the right perspective, who wasn't strong enough. And I'm still at fault. I don't even feel like myself anymore, so much of the person I learned to be, the person I really was died with you. Because I became it for you. Help me, Sar. Help me, goddammit! Help me to not disappoint you anymore. To be what you expected of me. _

Sobbing silently into her hands, now covering her face, Eli was sure Sofia would make good of her word, find the drugs and flush them down the drain. If she was being honest to herself, she could live with that. She'd been doing drugs on and off through her college years, had sworn them off as soon as she'd left Harvard and had only picked the habit up again about two months after Sara's death. When the alcohol alone just hadn't cut it anymore. She knew the weed helped her to keep the little she ate down. It settled her nausea, helped her sleep. She could do without the coke. She would learn to reduce her alcohol intake. Quickly. But she'd argue with her friend about the pot. No cold turkey. She didn't wanna have Sofia witness that, have to go through that. The sweating increased and Eli threw the blanket off of herself, got up and opened the terrace door, the cool ocean breeze inducing goose bumps and making her sigh silently. Baby steps, with everything. Baby steps, but into the right direction.

She trudged into the kitchen to get a glass of cold water, the sun was already starting to rise and she knew there wouldn't be any sleep tonight. She went through her routine, drank the magnesium and some more water, chewed the tablets, started making coffee, all with as little noise as possible.

She passed by the guest room and listened, her head resting against the cool and rough brick wall, relieved as she heard soft snoring from the inside. At least Sofia was managing to get some sleep.

Back in her bedroom, she changed into a casual jeans, slipped a tank top on and snatched a woolen cardigan off a hanger. After putting on socks and leather slippers, she fell back onto the comforter and stared up at the plain white ceiling again.

She liked this place. She really did. It had cost an awful lot of money and she had to more or less bribe the real estate agent to accept her bid since she'd been the last to come and see the place. But right now, she missed her house. She missed the wooden ceiling, she missed her bathroom, she missed the colours and the surety with which she'd felt at home there. She missed getting up in the morning, grabbing her first cup of coffee, head out onto the patio and have her first cigarette looking out over the garden, slightly shivering, inhaling the sweet, moist, mossy, salty morning air. Would she ever be able to go back there, to _live_ there? Could she ever manage to feel really _at home _ there, without the person who had, in the end, only made it a real home, for all intents and purposes?

Groaning, she pushed herself up, dismissed the feeling of emptiness that decided to linger from her inner musings, picked up her keys, wallet and phone and headed outside to do something she hadn't done in what felt like forever.

She breathed in deeply as she step outside the old building, feeling a bit light-headed due to being too sober, but felt strangely alive. Like a real person. With a purpose, however small it might be at the moment. She went to the bakery around the corner and bought fresh croissants and a six-seed-roll. Then she hit the convenience store and filled her cart with fruit, fresh milk, butter, cheese, jelly, cereals, juice, some pasta and all she needed to make a decent carbonara sauce. She skipped the aisle with the hard alcohol, but bought two six packs of beer and some coke. She'd make amends. She watched as her knuckled turned white as her hand wound around the shopping cart's handle in an attempt to suppress the trembling. She'd really try. She had to.

Eli had easily managed to set the table, have the coffee ready, the croissants warmed, the fruit diced and everything else within reach by the time Sofia finally emerged from her room. Rubbing her eyes and obviously not caring that she wore nothing but her underwear.

She blinked a couple of times when she reached the eating area.

"Oh. Oooh. Morning. Erm, I'm sorry, I just wanted to get a glass of water, I'd thought you'd still be sleeping, you'd been so..." She paused and a light blush crept into her cheeks.

But Eli just shook her head.

"It's okay. You'd thought I'd been so drunk that I'd sleep into the wee afternoon hours. In fact, I couldn't sleep at all. I had the sudden urge to make you feel welcome. Don't ask me where that came from. So I stormed a store and stocked up on all the stuff I don't usually have around. You wanna ctake a shower or simply get dressed. Because there's breakfast ready for you."

Fifteen minutes later a freshly showered and a tad bit more awake looking Sofia settled at the table and frowned at Eli, who had set the table for just one and carefully nursed a coffee that smelled suspicious.

"Does that mean all you're going to have for breakfast is a cup of whiskey with a dash of coffee?" Sofia snarled, much harsher than she'd intended considering what Eli had done already to show she took her presence and demands seriously.

Eli had been prepared for that, though. She'd wanted to get right to the point. Pointing at a small wooden box on the table, she urged Sofia to open it.

"There's my stash. All I kept is some pot-" Sofia opened her mouth to speak, but Eli waved it off. "Let me finish. I can't do it all at once. And I won't. I'm not going to buy any more whiskey. When this bottle is empty, that's it. I'll keep drinking beer. The weed will help with my appetite. I don't need that other stuff. I won't be going out the way I did those past months anytime soon anyway. So I don't need that anymore. But believe me, I know how far I'm gone concerning the alcohol. I'll try though. But slow. Is that okay with you?"

Sofia stayed silent. She hadn't expected any of all this. She'd more or less anticipated for Eli to throw her out in the morning, having changed her mind again and the push and pull to start all over again. Unbelieving she reached for the six-seed-roll, another thing only Eli would remember or care about. She hated plain white rolls, but loved croissants. She slowly buttered it and sliced some cheese.

Eli leaned back in her chair and sipped her Whiskey-infused coffee slowly. She loved the taste of Bourbon. She always would. And one day she'd have a glass with no second thoughts and think about this morning. Sofia inhaled the roll and most of two croissants like a starving woman. It was just then Eli realised that Sofia had lost weight as well, that the shadows under her eyes weren't fresh, that she had developed a whole set of new wrinkles over the past months. She looked terribly exhausted, worry etched deep into her features.

"I'm sorry." Eli whispered, so silently that Sofia's head just whipped up and she squinted her eyes.

"Come again?"

"I said I am sorry, Sofia."

It earned her nothing more but an exasperated sigh and the blonde let the rest of her croissant fall back on the plate.

"Don't say it if you don't really mean it, Eli. Wait a while. It's the same with the drugs and the alcohol. You don't wanna stop, fine. But I won't make it easy on you. I'll make you eat, whether you're going to throw it all up ten minutes later or not. You should take good care that I'm not around when you feel the need to have a joint. And if I see anything else but beer around here, I'll throw it out the window. If you drink more than a six-pack over the day, I'll take it all away. Look at your hands. Look at them! They're shaking like mad. How many drinks do you need before the trembling subsides? How many until you feel confident enough to go outside? How many have you already had when you get into the car and drive? You're not driving anymore until you manage to stay sober for that. You won't go out, at least not alone. I'll get a guest membership for your gym, I'm going with you. Everywhere you go this next month, I'll go too."

Did she just say she planned on staying a whole month? They were going to kill each other after the first week if she intended to go through with what she'd just said.

"Did you take a leave of absence? To come here and kick my ass? What if had really thrown you out? Have you gone crazy, Sofia? What did Brass say to that? Really-"

"Eli!" Sofia's voice was stern and her expression serious.

"I asked to be relocated. I am leaving Vegas. I took the rest of my vacation days, Jim even almost urged me to, to pack up my Condo and get ready for the move. But I did all that before and I'm determined to spend the rest of this month with you. All arrangements are made. I have until the first. I'm staying."

* * *

><p>An hour later, Sofia again in the Impala's driver's seat, the two woman were on their way over to Sofia's hotel to get her luggage.<p>

Eli's uneasiness with the arrangement increased with every passing mile. The change in her routine would be too sudden, too abrupt, to frightening. She didn't know how she could handle having someone around her 24/7 for the next 23 days. She could only guess how much Sofia would try to push her. To talk, to open up, to relive, to process, to adjust. To start living again. To take tentative, but determined steps forward. What would be asked of her?

Too much, she decided while she heaved a big suitcase into the trunk, heavy rain pouring down on her. It would definitely be too much.

* * *

><p>"Are you gonna keep staring over my shoulder? I'm just cooking, for heaven's sake. I can still do that, you know?"<p>

Sofia's approach at a certain constant closeness, intended to make Eli feel comfortable obviously, was failing spectacularly. And she didn't seem to notice.

Whenever she got closer than two foot, Eli felt her immensely increased radius of personal space thoroughly invaded, and that barrier had been constantly breached during the past hours.

She was getting fidgety and nervous, unbalanced and emotional. Most of all, emotional. Which surely had also been Sofia's goal.

Eli clenched her jaw and proceeded grating cheese. The strong and minimally sour smell nauseated her even more, she'd already had four of the six beers and everything that had been left in that last Whiskey bottle and still she felt painfully sober. There was no more numbing any feelings with so little alcohol in her system and Sofia around. All the freakin' time!

"I know you can. And I just wanna watch. I'd feel excluded if I just sat at the table." Sofia took a swig from her own beer and scanned Eli for each and every reaction. She had to learn so many things all over again. Though Eli's basic body-language had remained the same, she reacted so decidedly different than before to her presence. The raised shoulders meant that Eli was stressed, the rippling muscles in her jaw that this stress started edging on anger. Her wider than usual stance told Sofia that Eli didn't feel grounded and she would bet that if she touched Eli's abdomen it would feel incredibly tensed beneath her hand. But she needed Eli to be off balance. To not fall back into that elusive certitude that had come with the withdrawal from reality by using alcohol and other things as numbing agents, to gild the reality she didn't want to face.

Eli bumped into Sofia's side as she turned to fetch the kitchen towel off its hook.

"Dammit, could you get out of my fucking space?" Eli yelled and ripped the towel in two as she pulled harder than necessary and it got stuck on the hook.

"Fuck, look at that!"

Flinging the door of a kitchen cabinet open to retrieve a new towel and slamming it shut soundly did nearly nothing to ease Eli's anger. Maybe if the door had been ten times bigger and heavier and the thud ten times louder. Then, maybe. Reaching for Eli's hand in this very moment to still her was a mistake Sofia wouldn't make again anytime soon. She'd been seriously underestimating Eli's agitation.

Her hand was slapped away with rough force and a hiss.

"Don't touch me! How many times do I have to say that one tiny little thing? Tell me, Sofia, how often? Don't touch me when I'm cooking, don't stand too fucking close, don't invade my personal space like you've done all motherfucking day long, don't you dare to try and calm me down or attempt to hug me when I am not ready or even invite you to do so." Eli's strained voice had risen to shouting and a second later the pot filled with boiling water and half-cooked spaghetti crashed to the floor and hot water splashed in all directions, only a few drops hitting Sofia who jumped to avoid being scalded but most of the fluid now soaked through Eli's jeans almost til up to the knees and covered her sneakers. She didn't even flinch.

She just turned around, slamming her fist into the wall and a hair-raising cracking resounded through the now eerily silent space of the huge room.

"Fuck! Oh, FUCK! Son of a bitch."

Another punch. Blood smeared over the beige wall and Eli wailed, cradling her hand against her chest, but eyes madly searching the room for the next object to vent her wrath on. The one to suffer the hard kick was a solid, large swing lid trash can and it sailed across the room, leaving a trail of litter in its wake.

Sofia found she hadn't moved from the spot she'd been jumping to before and watched the scene in front of her unfold with untypical detachment. She should've seen something like that coming. Eli had always been rather physical in letting go of anger, this was certainly not the first time she'd seen the taller woman punch something. Never in public though. One pointed fist at the metal of her locker in the privacy of the changing areas or a quick retreat to the gym, that's what it had usually been. Of course Sofia had picked up on that. But that was then.

Now was - different. What was she to do? Could she do anything at all? She felt compelled to lounge herself at her friend and drag her down to the floor, hold her there and let her struggle until she'd thrown her tantrum and exhausted her energies. But Sofia suspected that despite how much Eli had corrupted her body, she would still be stronger than she was.

Eli kept cursing and stomping about the room and Sofia did the next best reasonable thing that came to her mind.

She ignored Eli and started cleaning up. She picked the pot up and rinsed it, then started cleaning the floor of pasta before mopping the pools of water away. She started heating a fresh load of pasta water, added salt and the remaining spaghettis when it started to boil, set the timer and prepared finishing the sauce.

Meanwhile Eli had taken her rage out onto the terrace and loud music was blaring through the lofty space for some time now.

Sofia set the table with everything she could find to make it look overly nice, contradicting the current atmosphere as much as possible. She folded the napkins neatly, placed plates, cutlery and glasses with a precision like she was working in an upscale restaurant and even found a candle that she didn't place in the middle, but at the end of the long table. She stirred the sauce, more than content with its consistency considering that she wasn't nearly as good at cooking as Eli was, seasoned it and put the remaining parmigiano into a bowl. She drained the pasta, oiled it lightly to prevent it from sticking and poured it with the sauce on top onto a big plate she placed in the middle of the dining room table. Her last action was placing two ice-cold beers beside their respective glasses. Content with the scene laid out in front of her, she took a large breath before she stepped out and behind Eli.

Courage. Strength. Relentlessness.

"I got dinner ready. I expect you to get your ass inside, turn some quiet and more pleasant music on, sit down at the table like a reasonable human being and be good company through-out the meal. Then you will eat. I don't care how much your hand hurts or if it is even broken. I don't care whether your shins got burned. I don't care if you start choking at the taste of food. You will hold fork and spoon like you'd be eating in a fancy restaurant and you will empty one plate. You won't go wash your hands. Or change your shirt. I want you to feel and look at the damage you've done to yourself all through dinner. There's one more beer and that was it for today. And don't you argue with me. Just _sit down_!"


	10. Three minutes

**I'm not gonna say much to this. But this is crucial. It's the beginning of the healing. Because some things had been left unsaid so far.**

* * *

><p><strong> 10. Three minutes<strong>

It was harder than she'd expected. Moisture collected and burnt in Sofia's eyes as she watched a surprisingly complacent Eli struggle with the cutlery. Obviously fighting a bad nausea. Swallowing hard to keep the food down. Reaching for the beer glass with a shaky, battered hand. Chewing endlessly on each fork full. Wincing with every movement of her hand. Overall constantly trembled in her chair.

Again the only thought that sprang to Sofia's mind was 'broken'. Eli was broken, in more ways than one. It was like her earlier rage fit had never taken place at all, Eli's complacency resembled that of a hushed puppy, afraid of the rolled up newspaper lying next to its owner's hands, her posture shameful and her eyes apologetic.

She blinked a couple of times to prevent the tears from falling. She knew and had accepted that this was going to be hard. On herself maybe almost as much as on Eli. She knew she would have to do things she usually wouldn't do. She hated watching Eli hurt herself physically just as much as she hated the pain Eli must be feeling inside. Constantly, with no avail, no pause, not a moment to rest for a minute and take a deep breath.

As a person, Sofia wasn't hard. Much like her cop personality, now holding the rank of Lieutenant, the private woman Sofia Curtis was just as headstrong and opinionated with a strong sense of justice, but also much more forgiving, gentler, caring, and way more emotional than she'd ever let show at work. She didn't like bossing people around if it didn't appear necessary. She knew she didn't exude the immediate warmth some people just owned, she knew she was mainly taken serious because of what she'd achieved, she'd earned her respect by being hard, but fair, clinging tightly to the rules, but not without leaving space for individuality and personal matters, she was liked because she could be quirky and had her very own approach to go about certain things.

In private, though... Few people had ever caught a completely real and genuine glimpse of her over the past years. She used to have such a wild streak, such an affectionate relationship to those who were dear to her, such a diverse circle of friends, she used to possess such openness and used to be game for almost everything. Had it been the job, certain cases and incidents that changed her? Robbed her of her carelessness, turned her serious. Was it the age she was approaching fast? She'd grown more finely tuned, more subtle, less head first through the wall. Had that also made her colder? The expectations, the responsibilities, the fact that at one point she hadn't managed anymore to get her private and professional life to balance each other out? Or had she just grown ignorant of more personal requirements? Had she set the wrong priorities lately. Lately as in the past five years?

She looked up from the pasta that had long grown cold on her plate. Friends. Freedom, joy, happiness, carelessness, living, laughing. Would it ever be that way again? Would the weight that had settled ever become lighter? This was who she really was, she'd do anything for the people she loved. She'd pleased her family, even her mother was finally displaying her pride in her only daughter, did finally let her live life the way she wanted to, without intervention or sending her off into guilt-trips. Happy or not, Sofia was content with the fundamentals of her life. And now she'd help Eli get there again, too. She wouldn't crack, wouldn't budge, she just cared too much.

Once again she fought the impulse just to hug Eli, but she knew it wouldn't d any good. Eli _was_ strong. Her convictions were, once in place, nearly impossible to overcome. And she had convinced herself that the way she'd chosen the past six months was the only to survive her loss. Even if she began to understand, it would take a lot to make her jump completely off that wagon and try a different approach.

At least she was starting to allow herself to feel again. It was a step forward, though it had proved to be so explosive today. Even if it was anger, doubt, the suppressed pain, those were all feelings Eli had denied herself for too long.

Eli hadn't looked up once since she'd sat down. But when she finally did, after her plate was cleaned of her portion, the pain that burned in the liquid, watery brown was overwhelming.

Their eyes met across the table, Eli frowned at the vacant, far-away stare in Sofia's, concern in her still subdued browns, but to Sofia it was another sign of progress. She focused on Eli and her glance held an unspoken question and Eli responded to the incentive.

"Sofia, can I please get up now? I need a shower, change my clothes and I need to take care of my hand and my legs and I'm afraid I will need to be close to the toilet soon. I'm-" She paused and the motions running over Eli's face broke through Sofia's already strained hold on herself. "Thank you." Eli ended with a look between admiration and pure wonder. "You didn't have to do this. It was my mess to clean up. I gotta-"

And Eli jumped up and stormed off towards the bathroom, her stomach revolting mercilessly.

Sofia waited until she heard the flush, then she sat through Eli's shower and just got up and approached the master bath when she heard the rustling of towels. She pulled herself together and dismissed her inner ramblings, knocking softly on the oak door.

"Are you decent? Then open up and let me take a look at your injuries. I already know your one-handed try will end with me doing it all over again anyway."

The door swung open without a comment from Eli and revealed the slender figure clad in a tank top and boxer shorts sitting on the closed toilet seat , shins reddened, hand cleaned of blood but significantly swollen. Eli pointed silently at a small cupboard and Sofia opened it to find pills, balms, bandages and everything else that was needed. She tended to Eli's legs first, squatting sown in front of her, applying the cooling gel to the abused areas. Then she took Eli's right hand in hers, examining every digit thoroughly, asking Eli to bend and flex finger after finger if possible before disinfecting the splits and scratches and bandaging the hand loosely, afraid it would keep swelling.

"I think you need to get that x-rayed. You may have only damaged a capsule, that'd cause a lot of swelling, too, maybe it's really only bruises, but I'd like to make sure nothing is broken."

The tenderness with which Sofia treated her now was so foreign to Eli after her friends earlier harsh words that she could do nothing but stare at her friend, open-mouthed and let go of her tears.

"I'm sorry." She husked out, looking Sofia straight into the eyes, making no attempt to hide her open crying nor the visible sincerity of her apology.

Shushing Eli rather quickly and wrenching her own emotions out of the way, Sofia leaned down to deliver a soft kiss to Eli's forehead, hoping she wouldn't flinch away. She didn't, but she started trembling more violently.

"Don't go, okay? I- I can't promise something like this won't happen again, but it wasn't directed at you, please, Sofia, believe me. Just don't leave. I might really need you here with me, though I seem to not have found the best way to express that today." Desperation and fear evident in her raspy voice, Eli pleaded.

Sofia tried to run a soothing hand up Eli's arm, but the brunette shied away from the touch.

"Not- yet. Not yet." Eli breathed. Comfort, she hadn't deserved today. And in her state, being touched was still hard to tolerate. Sofia instantly retracted, but her eyes displayed what her hands weren't allowed to.

"It's okay. I'll keep it in mind, okay? Tell me when I can, because I think I really need to hug you at some point today. I told you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you alone until I have to go back to work. Now, get into some clothes and I'll drive us over to the emergency room."

It was way past midnight as they returned, with good news, from the hospital. Eli had popped two capsules and it would take some time for that to heal, but at least nothing was broken.

With a deep sigh Sofia went for the fridge and returned with two beers.

"No. 6." She just mumbled as she opened and handed Eli one of the bottles.

"Oh, erm, thanks?"

There had never been such a grade of unease between the two.

"Chill. I need a beer right now and I can't have you leer at it the whole time. Though I'd rather see you eat something, really. I know you're substituting, but you can't live off pills forever, Eli. This is one problem we'll have to solve rather soon. I guess what we tried today wasn't the best of ideas, pasta with a cream sauce."

Sofia nursed her beer indulgently, savouring the taste. What a day. And still so many thoughts swirled around in her mind, she knew she wouldn't find rest anytime soon.

She frowned and her thoughts returned to what she'd last said.

"I think it'd be best if we treated this like you had a stomach flu or even food poisoning. Start out slow. Bread, potatoes, mashed vegetables, bananas and stuff. Porridge. I dunno, all that crap my mom used to make me when I was sick. Chicken broth. I saw Mexican food in the fridge, did you actually order out? And by all means, Mexican?"

Eli scrunched up her face at the thought of the baby food Sofia was suggesting, but she knew that might be the only solution. She was really starting to look gaunt and if she was being honest to herself, she didn't like it. At all. It didn't suit her, it simply seemed to reflect her mental state. But not her general personality. She used to be so strong and she'd always had a body that had represented and underlined that trait in its physicality.

"You know that my mom does live in Frisco, at least for most of the year, I think we talked about that."

Sofia nodded when she remembered, a faint smile on her lips. She liked the direction their conversation took.

"Alberta, you told me about her, your mother's Mexican cook."

"Yeah, right. My mom and her, they sent me a basket filled with food once a week ever since I told her I was back in Frisco. I try to eat it. I freeze the leftovers. I just can't get myself to ignore it or even throw it away. I forbid her to come see me. There's always a note, she sends her love every week and I know Alberta loves me like I was her own. I know they worry. I love my mom but I just couldn't stand the look in her eyes. Not yet. Like so many other things."

Eli stretched on the couch, but winced instantly, curled herself up and reached for the light blanket that was folded over the armrest.

"I don't feel so good, Fia. I'm cold and I can't stop shivering."

She tried to lift the beer up from the coffee table with her good hand, but it was shaking too hard.

Sofia's brows narrowed as she took in Eli's grey complexion and tremble, worry instantly replacing all other thoughts.

"It's not gonna be enough. I haven't slept in almost 40 hours. The night before the club was already a short one. My limbs feel like my bones are made of lead, but I feel restless. I can barely move but inwardly I- I can't describe it, I don't know, I feel like I vibrate."

Sofia eyed her friend over at the couch from her place in the soft leather recliner and leaned forward. There had to be something she could do.

"Eli, do you think I could touch you now?"

Eli blinked and snorted.

"I guess that won't be a problem right now. I'm not angry anymore. I can't even relate to the situation from earlier at the moment. I just feel sick."

Slowly Sofia got out of the chair and sat carefully down at Eli's side, on the very edge of the couch and covered Eli's hand above the blanket. Too close? But Eli's cold hand didn't twitch.

"Did you do more drugs than usual this week? During the last couple of days?"

"Yeah, definitely."

"What do you crave most right now?"

"Alcohol. All I want is to have a couple of shots, feel the warmth spread in my guts and go to bed and sleep."

"What can I do?"

"Nothing. Unless you wanna go down to the store and get me a bottle of Whiskey, which you won't. I said I'd do this and I will. Your hands are warm. You feel so warm."

"I'm gonna run you a bath, okay? I got something for the nausea from the hospital pharmacy while you were up in radiology. And a herbal tea that's supposed to ease the stomach. Just sit tight. Will you need a bucket?"

"I don't know. Maybe? God I hate this." Eli groaned and gripped the hand in hers tightly. Connection established.

Sofia squeezed back.

"I know." She answered with sadness in her tone. Does she still trust me?

"You know what? We'll delay the bath for a moment, I have a different idea. Scoot forward a bit."

"What are you up to, Fia? You can't be- I don't think I want to- I can't-"

But Sofia had already settled herself into the couch behind Eli, her willed boldness overruling her concerns, her legs at either side of the other woman's so frail looking body and pulled Eli back so she was lying half on top of her. She tugged at the blanket and covered them up to their necks.

"Stop thinking. Or pretend I'm a heating blanket if you're uncomfortable with the closeness. Just try to relax. It's just me. I told you, I got you."

Sofia's voice was calm and Eli felt her body heat creep into her skin, into the tissue, into her bones. She tried to ignore that it was a body that provided her with such unusual comfort, dismissed her need for distance, tried to ignore the second heartbeat that thumped behind her, tried to block out the way Sofia smelled, the way her breath hit the side of her neck.

Instead she tried to remember relaxation techniques she had taught herself long ago. Starting with her toes, she tensed each muscle for a moment, then relaxed, tense, relax, tense, relax until she'd worked through everything up to her facial muscles.

Sofia felt what Eli was doing, she felt how Eli started drifting away mentally and was more than surprised that Eli actually managed this routine under the present circumstances. The whole process took Eli about twenty minutes and by the time her body had gone more or less slack and the shaking and trembling had minimised to a slight shiver, parts of Sofia's body had started to fall asleep, mainly her butt and her legs. But she didn't dare to move. At all.

"I'm gonna fall asleep on you." Eli mumbled faintly and Sofia rung with a smile.

"Wouldn't be the first time." She whispered, more to herself than to Eli. Just fall asleep, she thought. Feel free to feel safe enough. Please.

Sofia didn't feel her toes anymore. She was sure she was only minutes away from a severe cramp in her calves and her back hurt like hell. But Eli was snoring softly in her arms, now radiating a reasonable amount of heat herself and she felt caught between a rock and a hard place. She had tried to distract herself by making a mental inventory of everything of Eli's living room and kitchen area that was in her line of sight. She'd catalogued the noises and movements outside, had noticed that when there were no cars driving down the street, she could even hear the ocean. She imagined waves rolling up to the shore in a never-ending, ancient rhythm, imagined lying in the sun on an empty beach, her hands buried in the fine sand. She'd never 'lived' this close to the ocean. She wondered what it would be like, just driving down to the beach, wade into the water, swim a bit and then sunbathe on a beautiful summer day. It was still a bit chilly, but the sun was already strong when there were no clouds in the way and soon the season would really begin. But such carefree moments seemed light-years away-

San Francisco was so very different from Vegas. Everything here was different from Vegas, but different had never felt so good. She wouldn't regret not going back. It just wasn't the same anymore.

She had just started to snooze off herself as Eli suddenly started twitching, then kicked the blanket off like she was struggling with it. It all happened so quickly and before she was even fully awake again and could react, Eli's thrashing arm hit her in the face, a heel dug into her shin and as Eli fell back she rested her full weight on Sofia, who felt the air escape from her lungs.

"Ooof, Eli!" She fought for the next breath to form words. "Honey, you're having a nightmare, wake up now, shhhh, come on, you're safe, I got you, come on, wake up, it's okay."

In one fluid motion Eli jumped off the couch, eyes wide open but not really seeing, and her bandaged hand reaching for her hip, the instinct and movement so deeply ingrained, and almost panicking more as she didn't feel the once familiar holster where it used to be.

Sofia groaned and rubbed her shin with one hand while the other carefully felt her face. Eli's elbow had hit her cheekbone, but not hard enough to cause any damage apart from maybe a small hematoma.

"Waves?"

Oh no...

"No, Eli, it's me, Sofia. Calm down, you've been having a nightmare. There's no danger and there's no one here but us."

Eli blinked repeatedly but still seemed off.

"She was right here... Right in front of me and I reached out, but I couldn't get to her. Something invisible held me back and she smiled and laughed that adorable, throaty laugh and I fought to get loose but I couldn't and then there were shots and she drifted away and all of a sudden I was free and I tried to get to her, tried to... But she was gone and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't safe her, I wasn't there when she would have needed me. I should have been there, I should have answered the call, I shouldn't have clocked out that day, I would've been able to-"

Sofia jumped off the couch and waved her hand in front of Eli's face.

"Eli! Stop it. Snap out of it, it was just a dream. A dream!"

Eli swiveled around and glared at Sofia with renewed anger and a dangerous glint in her eyes that made Sofia fall back into the cushions as she felt pinned by the stare. An expression so desperate and lost, so full of self-hatred and disgust.

"That day I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I failed her. I did. I did, Sofia."

Despite her repulsion and the prickling in her legs Sofia rushed up and gripped Eli by the arms, a silent warning in her eyes for Eli to just shut the fuck up and let her talk. She'd only do this once. Just once.

Eli got the message loud and clear, felt Sofia's fingers dig into her upper arms, saw the tension building in her friends stance and the tears she'd shed well up again. She fell silent without another thought.

"Let me tell you something about that day, Eli. You never asked, I don't know why, but I think it's time you have to know some things. If you want someone to put the blame on, then put it on me. It was my call, it was my crime scene. You had worked into so much overtime that Brass ordered you home in the afternoon. You were through. Through! And it was the right decision. So don't blame yourself for not being there. You had just cracked the Garrish-case wide open and you deserved to get some rest. It was _my_ scene. I ordered Officers Kendricks and Jameson to clear the house. I didn't go with them because I was calling for back-up, it was a gritty neighbourhood and there were too many locals around, we needed more men, we needed a perimeter, we needed safety, we were in gang-territory. Brass and the other units arrived at the same time Grissom and Sara did. I trusted my officers that they had checked every goddamn corner and closet in that house. _I trusted my men_. I didn't know about Kendricks' wife, I didn't know how thorough they were because I trusted that they knew how to do their freakin' jobs. They came out, confirmed that there was a body in the basement and the house was clear and I sent CSI in. _I sent them in_. People shouted all around us, they shoved the other officers while they tried to get people further away from the house, it was chaos and I tried to organise it. It was just when the first shots were fired that we knew something had gone terribly wrong. According to Grissom, Sara was the first to take a hit. Gil said he tried to push her away, but it happened too quickly. Both officers started to fire back, but that guy had an automatic. Everyone including me hastened inside, firing at that freak. They recovered 17 rounds from his body. 5 of them from my service weapon. Grissom was lucky he'd went down to the floor with Sara the moment the officers had started shooting back, if they had been in opposite places, maybe he wouldn't have survived, too. He took one to the arm and hit his head so hard at a small table he was still unconscious when the paramedics arrived. He tried to save her. But it was _me_ who's responsible, if anyone is at all. I trusted my guys, I was distracted because the scene was so messy, I didn't see how out of it Kendricks was. I'm glad you weren't there. I will never forget those three minutes it took for the EMTs to arrive. I'll never forget. _Never_, Eli."

Eli stared at Sofia, her expression blank.

It was true, she had never bothered to ask. She had known that there had been an evaluation of the events and that IA had decided it had been due to the officers' negligence while clearing the scene that the perp hadn't been discovered and had been able to take them out. No charges were being pressed since both of the officers in question had died.

She scrutinised Sofia, how dull her eyes had become, how she seemed to relive those moments and she wondered what had really taken place during those minutes. Had she tended to Sara? Had Sara been able to say anything? Had she already been unconscious?

Why had she never asked? Why hadn'T she ever taken a damn second to think about what the others had gone through that day? She'd always assumed it had been Brass at the scene. All she had wanted was to get away. Away from it all. Away from that dead, cold body in the morgue, away from her own pain. But you could never outrun death.

"Tell me, Sofia. Just tell me, I wanna know."

The blonde let her arms fall to her sides and walked back to the couch, sinking into the cushions, her stare vacant.

"Are you really sure you want to know?"

Eli kneeled down in front of Sofia and reached for her hands.

"Yes. I want to know. Don't soft-pedal it. Just tell me everything."

It was hard, harder than trying to forget, harder than coming to San Francisco, but Sofia tried to hold Eli's glance as she slowly started to recount the events.

"Grissom was lying on top of her. I checked for vitals and then I carefully rolled him off of Sara, he seemed stable. The amount of blood-" Sofia hesitated and searched for Eli's eyes, a grim expression greeted her, but also urged her to just go on. "I was practically kneeling in a puddle of blood. Sara's blood. She was losing so much so quickly. I didn't know where to put my hands first. All I could see were wounds and blood. She was awake and there was a pulse, but next thing Sara was spluttering up even more blood. I'll never forget her eyes. Panicking, searching the room and with one hand she was still clutching her goddamn weapon. I bent over so she could see me and she calmed down. There was something like 'Sof...' and I remember I touched her cheek and told her everything was gonna be fine. But she knew, Eli, she knew it wasn't. She could barely breathe and I just held her hand, stroked her face and she looked at me, despite jerking every few seconds, with such softness, such acquiescence. She coughed up more blood and tried to speak, but I couldn't make anything out, just her rattling breath and the gurgling of the blood in her airways. There was so much in her eyes, she couldn't speak but it was all there in her eyes. So much love, so much warmth. And then the paramedics arrived and I had to let go of her and she looked almost apologetically at me until the line of sight was blocked. She lost consciousness in the ambulance and her heart stopped twice before they even reached the hospital. They managed to shock her back, they pumped blood into her in the ER and she made it to the ER, but it was just too much. Too much damage, too much blood loss, too many vital organs had been affected."

She fell forwards and into Eli's arms.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't know, I thought everything was clear. I'm sorry I didn't check myself. I couldn't even help her. I- She seemed so aware, so fearless after the initial panic, so accepting of what was happening. She knew she'd die. She knew and she wasn't afraid. She didn't look afraid. I wish I could've understood what she'd tried to tell me. I wish I had something more substantial to tell you."

Eli felt oddly calm. She held Sofia's hands, held her friends trembling body in arms that suddenly felt stronger, tears that rolled off her cheeks fell onto them. For a moment, she didn't feel the weight. For a second, she smiled.

"That was my woman." She breathed, and Sofia's head whipped up, confusion about Eli's pained smile written all over her face.

"How you describe her is all I need to know, it's just as good as words. She wanted you to tell me that. And that I would know what to make of it. Sara was never afraid to die, she was afraid of how she'd die. And she was strong. And fearless, most of the time. She always fought, if there was the tiniest chance to win, she'd fight. She must have felt it right away. She did know. She wanted you to keep that memory of her and to tell me. Not cramped up and in pain, begging in vain for her life, freaking out. That just wasn't her. She's always been a fighter and she's always had an abundance of love inside her. "

Eli squeezed the blonde's hands hard.

"It is not your fault, Sofia. I would have done exactly the same. Let them clear the scene, establish order, secure a perimeter, keep the public away, get the CSIs inside. You couldn't have known, and you had no reason to doubt your men. You did all you could. You're not the one to blame. don' blame you. I blame the shooter and I blame Kendricks. He should've said something. He shouldn't have been there doing his job less than half-heartedly with his head already in the hospital with his wife and unborn kid. Thank you for being there, during those moments. I know you made her feel safe. She would've hated if I'd been there to witness that. Though I wish I had been. Maybe it would have helped me. Maybe I shouldn't have run away. I guess that's one thing I'm never going to forgive myself. I never got to see her again. I didn't dare to. People look different when they're dead. Not only lifeless, but also- soulless. Stripped of everything that made them the person they were. But that way I never got to say good-bye. I just ran away, like I always do when I think I have no solution for a situation, I have no means winning, I have no idea how to handle it. When I get scared, I run. I don't wanna run anymore."

Eli stood up and let go of Sofia's hands, who glanced anxiously at her best friend, this tortured, insecure, frightened, mangled woman.

This marvelous person, this incredible human being, who thought so lowly of herself.

Reducing herself to a shadow of who she could be, who she really was.

"Thank you for telling me. I think it's time for that hug you mentioned earlier. Tell me what you told Sara. Because it was the truth. It is."

Sofia, shorter, smaller, more petite than Eli, straightened up and seemed to grow. She enveloped Eli in her arms, not too tight, not too restricting, just a gentle embrace.

"Everything is gonna be fine, Eli. It's gonna be fine. You don't wanna run anymore? Then don't. I'll be right here when you feel ready to fight. No more running."

Eli tried to imagine the look on Sara's face Sofia had described to her. Tried to remember her love.

"No more running. Not anymore." She whispered, a mantra, a resolution. A promise.


	11. To have each other's back

**11. To have each other's back**

After having talked about the events that lead to Sara's death, the next days went by without mentioning anything even remotely connected to the topic anymore. But something about the way Eli behaved had changed profusely. She went to enormous lengths to keep her short fuse under control, locked herself into her bedroom and cranked the volume up, Sofia didn't know what she was doing in there, but when she came out, it was usually freshly showered and with a more unwound expression on her face. She followed the six beers rule. She still did start the day off with one and not with a coffee since there was no more Whiskey, she still got the jitters in the afternoon, still froze and was restless, her withdrawal symptoms were not as distinctive as both women had expected.

So Eli and Sofia tried to establish a certain routine about their living together. There was no getting up later than nine. They'd have breakfast together and on the fourth day Eli managed to not start the day with a beer, but with a coffee and untoasted bread with jelly. They would watch a movie or just simply spent time together, Eli mostly read while Sofia browsed the internet, caught up on some articles and secretly looked at ads for apartments, she still had to find a place to live. They'd have a small lunch in the early afternoon and Sofia didn't mind eating whatever Eli could manage to keep down, just like she'd suggested. She'd also insisted they'd leave the house at least once a day. For a light dinner. For the gym. For a walk in the park, anything but spending the whole day indoors. Eli noticed that with the whole change that came with Sofia's presence, a lot of the things she'd thought insurmountable she made quite easily. The new steadiness was soothing and brought a feeling of belonging back. Of not being alone. Of fighting for more than just her own sanity.

Eli and Sofia tried to establish a certain routine about their living together. There was no getting up later than nine. They'd have breakfast together and on the third day Eli managed to not start the day with a beer, but with a coffee and untoasted bread with jelly. They would watch a movie or just simply spent time together, Eli mostly read while Sofia browsed the internet, caught up on some articles and secretly looked at ads for apartments, she still had to find a place to live. They'd have a small lunch in the early afternoon and Sofia didn't mind eating whatever Eli could manage to keep down. She'd also insisted they'd leave the house at least once a day. For a light dinner. For the gym. For a walk in the park, anything but spending the whole day indoors.

Going to the gym together had proved to be more fun than either of them had anticipated. Eli hated the treadmill whereas Sofia insisted to run at least twenty minutes as a warm-up. Eli spent the first ten on the stepper, mumbling something about her ass, age and weight-loss but got bored of any cardio-work-out ridiculously easy and spent the next ten minutes hovering beside Sofia, who trotted at a medium pace on the black rubber band.

"So, what's next? Machines or boxing? Muscles or agility? Want to spar, Fia?" Eli fidgeted with the arm hem of her oversized tank, the flexed her biceps and huffed. "Ugh. You're right. Nothing much left of me. I think I'm gonna get me some of that protein-stuff. I've never been so skinny in all my life. I f I keep working out ad gain some twenty pounds or so, I could be in the shape of my life within a couple of months, before I even turn 37."

Sofia panted lightly and grinned.

"You're so vain. Whatever you do, you won't look a day older than 35 when you are going to turn 40. You must have some really unfair kind of genetic advantage. Well, apart from the grey hair, that is. But it does look good on you." She slowed the treadmill gradually until she was walking slowly for another two minutes.

Eli immediately went to the mirror by the bench press and studied her temples thoroughly in the bright neon light of the modern gym, running her fingers through the short hair, then stuck her tongue out at herself before turning back to Sofia.

"Seriously, I am turning into my father. I could swear I've only had half that many a week or so ago."

Taking a swig out of her water bottle, Sofia grinned. "Don't you dare put the blame on me." Eli arched an eyebrow but kept her mouth wisely shut when Sofia sighed and went on. "I've inherited all the less charming trades from my mother. Those sharp edges that have formed around my mouth, the crows-feet I fight with more cosmetics than you could imagine and-" for a second she palmed her own breasts and scrunched up her face. "Those start to increasingly react to gravity."

Eli's gaze automatically followed Sofia's movement and lingered long enough on the tight sports top to make Sofia scoff.

"What?" Eli quipped. "You _made_ me look. Did you expect me not to look when you do and say something like that? It's practically an invitation." Eli's exasperation was faked, but the grin that spread over her face was real. So genuine in fact, that the snide remark got stuck in Sofia's throat as a wave of warmth washed over her at the sight and she, too, smiled foolishly wide. Eli furrowed her brows at the sudden change in Sofia's expression.

"What now, Curtis? What did I do now?"

"Nothing. You were just being so very - _you_. With the boob-staring and the comments and that grin. I could kiss you right now for that grin alone."

"Whoa!" Eli took a quick step back and threw her hands up. "There's a big step from me sneaking a peek to having you snog me. Ew, Curtis!" Eli still grinned though, and Sofia slowly inched in on Eli, waiting for the outbreak of good mood to vanish or Eli's usual walls and unpredictable unwillingness to be touched to be firmly reinstated within seconds, but the tall woman just eyed her suspiciously and buried her hands in the pockets of her sweat pants.

"You're not really going to-" But the answer was already delivered quickly in the form of a gentle peck to Eli's cheek.

"See? That was all I had in mind."

Eli pursed her lips and the grin melted into a serene smile.

"Today's a good day, Fia. I don't know why, but it is. It's just a good day and I'm going with it. So, sparring?"

"I thought you were kidding? Hand, honey, your hand!"

Eli huffed and stared at the white stripes of medical tape around her knuckles, stabilising them and all the chafed skin.

"I almost already forgot. Okay, weights it is, then."

* * *

><p>Later, after a healthy falafel Eli almost managed to enjoy, the simply drove around the city kind of the way Eli had done alone in the months prior. There were moments they laughed, moments when Eli drove but gestured around wildly, accentuating the point in one of her stories. Sofia had hated that the few times Eli had driven them through Vegas, and she still hated it.<p>

"Wheel, hands, wheel! Eli, for Christ's sake, can you please at least pretend you're able to drive this embarrassingly braggy chunk of metal you own as an extension to your non-existent dick and make me feel a little safe here?"

One hand leisurely in the correct place again, Eli burst out laughing.

"Oh my freakin' goodness, Sofia Curtis, I didn't buy this car to show off what a tough BAMF I am, I love this model, I did since I was a kid and my Dad took me to a Classic Cars Show. And I certainly can equip myself with a quite impressive version of a dick that would put many a man to shame and that has made plenty women gasp and scream out in the past." Sofia raised her eyebrows in disgust and her nostrils flared. "Uuurrghh, thanks for the visual, Eli." But Eli just motioned her to shut up. "Why, Det. Curtis, I didn't peg you for the shy type and I think I may even have proof of the fact that you're not."

Sofia uncharacteristically flushed at least three shades of pink.

"Shut up, Eli. I was thinking about you and some random chick you picked up at the club and I that is just..." She paused and shuddered. "Ewww!"

Eli pressed some air out between her teeth. "I don't wanna talk about that. Ever. You've made your point before and I already told you. Not gonna happen again."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

Grasping for her hand, Eli stopped Sofia mid-sentence. "Hey, I wasn't attacking you. I'm just saying I'd rather not talk about anything related to hard drugs, excessive consumption of alcohol and fuck-sessions with random pretty girls, okay? I won't do that anymore. You're changing things for me, Sofia. Your presence alone has already changed things. You may not have noticed as engrossed as you can be in your computer, but I did a great deal of thinking over the past days. What you told me has filled one of the many holes I felt inside. I still feel the hopelessness, I'm still depressed, I think, but I also started thinking about what she would have wanted me to do. That I should really try to start giving life a chance again. She wanted me to. I know that, I _ knew _ that, but my grief had me in a death-grip. And it's hard to wrench myself out of it. You help- you don't need to do a thing and yet simply having you around helps. It's something so normal, so trivial and still it gives me my footing back. I think you're grounding me, Fia. I'm glad you're here."

Sofia squeezed the hand on hers back and let out a long and almost pained breath.

"Well, we seem to have made it a habit to have each other's backs in the hardest of times, huh? From the very beginning."

"We have, haven't we?"

* * *

><p><em>"Eli."<em>

_"Hmmm..."_

_Rocking them gently with one leg dangling over the hammock's edge, foot lightly tickled by dark green, ankle high grass and pushing into the ground every few couple of swings, Eli kept her eyes closed and her arm wrapped a little tighter around Sara, whom she'd thought was dozing with her head buried in the nape of her neck, her steady breathing teasing the sensitive skin and little hairs there._

_"I was just thinking-"_

_Whenever Sara was just thinking, there was some serious effort behind it. Sara didn't just think about something random. Eli turned her head and softly kissed her love's forehead._

_The sprinkler was making his tsk-tsk-tsk-rounds in the back of the garden, watering the vegetable beds and blueberry bushes where the shadows had already come around while the rest of the garden was still bathed in bright afternoon sunlight, butterflies and bumblebees still busy fluttering and buzzing from blossom to blossom. These late __July days had presented themselves from their sunniest side, temperature in the 90s, the timing of their to date longest holiday couldn't have been better._

_"Just thinking, huh? What's going on in that big brain of yours? Should I prepare to run?"_

_Lazily, Sara slapped the patch of naked newly tanned stomach revealed to her, Eli's shirt had ridden up and bunched around her waistline._

_"Ouch! Wrong place, Waves. If you wanna talk about that, I'm more than willing to just go inside and offer you another part of my body that's more than willing to feel that hand. And then you can tell me all about your newest ideas on how to __creatively mbblsta mmm mmaaaassm."_

_Sara's hand had clamped down over Eli's mouth while she laughed and then nibbled on Eli's earlobe. Eli gave a stronger push and they were swinging high from side to side, staring into each other's eyes, smirking._

_"You're incorrigible. Mh, and I love you." Sara caught Eli's bottom lip and gently bit it before deepening the kiss, slipping Eli just enough tongue to get her to sigh before she drew back. "But n__o, not today. I agreed to eat fish today, so you will have to take me to that new restaurant that had you so excited." She took a deep, steady breath. " It's about something else and I'm not really sure how to... I don't really know how to say it."_

_Eli pushed her foot into the ground to stop the hummock's rather wild movement and swung her leg over both of Sara's, facing her completely._

_"You should know that you can talk to me about anything, ask me anything, no matter if it's just an idea running through your head, something really important, something that scares you, something that you're not content with, something you're wondering or curious about. Anything."_

_Sara rolled her eyes, brushing some errand hairs out of her face._

_"I know, sweetness. Really, I do. But still sometimes it feels weird inquiring you about things that shouldn't really matter, that I'm sure don't hold any significance, just to satisfy my curiosity."_

_Eli snickered and ran her hand down Sara's side, feeling the warm, soft naked skin, her eyes following the path of her fingers over a dark blue bikini top down to the waistline of equally blue, accompanied by beige surf shorts. Trust Sara to find the perfect combination of beautiful, flawless femininity and active and playful tomboyish energy. This time, waist up, waist down._

_"Just ask."_

_Sara's eyes fluttered close as Eli pushed the short's waistband a little lower and let the very tip of her fingers caress the soft skin just below the hipbone, which never failed to make her girlfriend suck in a quick breath and shiver. _

_"Don't distract me then."_

_Eli leaned forward for a gentle bite to Sara's clavicle, then withdrew completely._

_"Okay, I'm hands and mouth off now."_

_Cupping Eli's face with both hands, Sara's expression grew serious, but not gravely so._

_"What's up with Sofia lately, Eli? She's been avoiding me, she's been __overly professional at work, I can barely remember when she last joked around and she's even been calling you more randomly. You know I've always wondered about the true nature of your relationship with her, because that's what the two of you have, it was always more than mere friendship. Or just a kind I have not experienced myself yet. Sometimes, mostly when we were just getting started, I thought the only difference was that you didn't spent just as much time with her as you did with me and that you don't sleep with her."_

_Sara kissed Eli softly on the corner of her mouth._

_"I always thought that I was rather dense when it came to interpersonal relationships, to noticing the little hints and peculiarities, but Eli, love, you're oblivious, aren't you?"_

_Eli furrowed her brows and her look of perplexity was disturbingly charming._

_"Oh, you are oblivious. So here's my theory. And don't say a thing until I'm finished, okay?"_

_Nodding, Eli agreed._

_"I think a part of her at least is still in love with you. I'm not even sure if she if she's really conscious about it. She's not jealous, she doesn't want to be in my place, she doesn't even really want to have you, I think. I would even say she is genuinely happy for you, for us. But she's always looking out for you. And sometimes it's right there, written all over her face. Then she looks at you and you can tell, she loves you. She cares so deeply about you, it's in her eyes, Eli. I remember this one fight we had, while we were on that trip with the usual suspects, you remember?"_

_Again, Eli nodded._

_"I- I yelled at you and Linds scolded us both, asking us if we were trying to ruin a completely perfect day. So I gave you the death glare and stormed off into the woods. When I walked past Sofia, I practically shrank under her stare. It said: God help you if you ever really hurt her, Sara. I tried to tell her with my eyes that I never intentionally would and she acknowledged. It was fine. When I joined you guys again, hours later, Eli, if I didn't trust you like I do, if I wouldn't know you the way I do, I would've gone into a jealous rage. You sat with your back against a tree-trunk, Sofia leaned into you between your legs and you had covered the both of you with a blanket. The back of her head was resting against your shoulder, your arm was slung around her and you were talking. It looked so intimate, so close. Before you got up you kissed the top of her head and she touched your cheek and for a second my heart plummeted. Then you came up to me and kissed me like there was no tomorrow and told me you understood and we'd talk about it at home and everything was alright. And I marveled what you guys talked about. What she told you. How she managed to calm you down, to make you understand, how she could get you that good."_

_Eli placed her hand over Sara's heart._

_"Wow... You've given this a lot of thought. But what are you asking here, Sar? Are you asking me if I harbour any feelings for Sofia that go beyond friendship? If that's the reason why she keeps her distance from me lately, so I'm not tempted or anything?"_

_Sara __shrugged her shoulders and remained quiet. Eli just watched the motions run over Sara's face, before she finally husked._

_"No. Yes... I don't know. I know that you love me, completely. I know that you would never intentionally hurt me. But I am sure that there are many different forms of love and yours for Sofia extends beyond my perception of friendship. You say you were attracted to her. How do you keep that apart? How do you look at her? How do you not want her when you feel for her what you obviously do? I don't mean to sound so insecure or suspicious, I just want to understand."_

_Eli stared at Sara with awe in her eyes. Just this made her fall even deeper in love with her girlfriend, once again._

_"Okay, now you have to let me talk. Promise."_

_"I do."_

_"It is more than friendship. I can't explain it to you, but apart from my relationship with you and my connection to Leonard, I've never felt as comfortable with someone as I do with Sofia. I'm not afraid to share closeness with her, it is a kind of intimacy, but there is nothing sexual about it. Just because I think that she is attractive, and she is, doesn't mean I'm necessarily interested in her that way. Because the only one I want to share that part of myself with is you. It is like you said, she just understands me. Not better than you, don't ever think that. Just in a different way. Sofia is blunt when I need it, kicks my ass and we have some interests in common that you don't really share, you know? Like you and Greg. When I'm feeling weak or down and you're not around, I go to her. For comfort that's more than just words. More than Cath's pep talks, though she's sure good at those. For a hug, a caress, a short cuddle. I haven't kissed her, at least not on the mouth, since that day I told you about. The thought did never cross my mind again. But I like to have her close, I trust her, I understand her, she always seems to know where I'm coming from and I really didn't realise that she could still have any kind of romantic feelings for me. I'd hate the thought that when I hold her, she could wish things hadn't turned out the way they did. I don't want to cause her any pain. I like it that she looks out for me, but I do the same for her, on the job and off. And she keeps her distance lately because of a personal- issue. It's not just you, it's everyone. I advised her to take some time off, but she wouldn't. But she said she needed to go through that alone. And I'm not going to impose myself on her when she doesn't want that. I'm worried, but I know she can take care of herself. I'm sorry, I can't tell you any specifics, she told me in absolute confidence."_

_Sara's eyes widened, but she pursed her lips and nodded slowly._

_"That's okay, I'd never ask you to break her trust."_

_"I know. I contemplated telling you anyway, because I- I think I need to tell you. I think I need to talk about it."_

_"If you want to, you can."_

_"Uh-huh." A long pause. "You really think she might still in love with me?"_

_"Ya."_

_"She deserves to be happy. I just want to see someone making her as happy as you make me.__"_

_"I love you."_

_"Huh?" _

_"I love you, Eli. I just completely and utterly adore you."_

_"Why, Sara, you do?"_

_"Yep. Because you care. Because you have so much room, so much love in that heart that beats in here. I just love you."_

_"I love you, too, Waves."_

_"Perfect."_

_They kissed, Eli's leg in the grass again, giving the hammock new momentum. Cuddling quietly, Eli suddenly sighed deeply and cleared her throat._

_"She's pregnant, Sar."_

_Sara head shot up, eyes wide as saucers._

_"Come again? What?"_

_"She had some weird one night stand and she is pregnant. Only a few weeks and she's considering an abortion."_

_Scrambling into a sitting position, Sara faced Eli with shock on her features. Eli took off her glasses and let one arm fall over her eyes._

_"There was protection, you know the percentages, it just happened anyway. She said he was a good-looking, charming guy and they clicked and one thing led... You know. But that was it. It's really taking a toll on her. Sofia wants a kid, but she also wants a family for that. She's taking the decision very serious, she knows my point of view, that's why I can be of no help. I don't support abortion. But it's her decision and if she thinks that it's not the right time, that she doesn't want to become a mother right now, then she can make that decision. I'm in absolutely no position to tell her what to do, though I've offered her my, in fact our full support should she decide to go through with it. Was that okay, speaking for you?"_

_Sara nodded frantically._

_"Under these circumstances, absolutely. She could count on us if she wanted to. Oh man..."_

_They exchanged a glance that said everything._

_"I'm waiting for her call, more or less. She told me she'd let me know when she's made her decision. And I will support her anyway. Though it will be tough on me. I just don't know if I could go with her to the clinic. I don't think I can. I want to be there for her, but-" Eli paused and averted her eyes._

_Sara jumped in._

_"You believe it's a sin."_

_"Yes, I do believe so. I accept that others don't and I would never wave a banner or try to hinder women to execute their legal right, but my understanding of when life begins differs from the law's. I-" Again, Eli didn't know how to go on._

_"When she calls and tells you she's made an appointment, tell her she should tell me. That you think she can trust me with this and that you are sure I would go with her if she needs support."_

_"You'd do that?"_

_"Of course. She's my friend, too. And I respect your beliefs, so does she but she shouldn't have to go through it alone and you won't feel pressured to do it even though you don't want to."_

_"I want to - be there, no matter what. I promised." The look on Eli's face was pained and torn. "Thank you, love. I'll tell her. But I'll also keep thinking whether I eventually can do it. I'll make it contingent upon her willingness to have you around or rather not. If she says it's too personal, I'll go."_

* * *

><p><em>While Eli placed the sprinkler on yet another spot on the grass, her cell rung.<em>

_"Fia. How-" She listened closely as she was interrupted instantly. "Uh-huh." A deep breath. "Okay. You know, maybe you should have someone with you who can offer you more support, who's not as - opposed, I'm so sorry I have to say this again right now, to the idea. I think you should think about asking Sara. You trust her, don't you?" Another pause and Eli shut her eyes tightly and inwardly yelled in frustration and knowledge that she'd relent."No, it's okay, I get it. No, she won't feel insulted, are you crazy, woman? I'll be there. In fact, I'll come by your place in the morning." Eli clenched her teeth. "Don't you dare even think that. I. Will. Be. There. I will be glued to your side. I won't let go of you through the whole thing, okay?" Her fingers found the St. Christopher medal beneath her shirt. "Will I __**what**__? Are you asking me to-? I will. Believe me, I already have and I will, okay? Shall I come back tonight, you shouldn't be alone-" Again, Sofia interrupted Eli. "Sure? Okay, if you say so. One more thing though, can I please talk to Sara about it?" - "God, thanks! So Thursday. Oh fuck, stop it, Sofia, you are not ruining our vacation. In fact, you'll be on sick leave anyway so why don't I take you with me back to Frisco and we all spent the weekend here? Just think about it. We won't hover. Just a change of scenery. Hm. Yep. Take care, Fia. Remember, I love you nonetheless, okay? Bye!"_

_Eli hadn't even noticed Sara standing in the shade of a tree a couple of feet away until she spoke up._

_"She's made her decision."_

_"Yeah." Eli just breathed._

_"When are you leaving?"_

_"Wednesday evening. I'm gonna fly and I'll eventually bring her back here for the weekend on Friday morning. That okay?"_

_Sara smiled and took Eli into a safe embrace._

_"You can do that. Take her with you. It will give her some time to rest."_

_"She sounded so defeated. I know I can do it, because she needs me to be the tough one this time. Sara, she's 35. This could've been it for her. And she knows it. I don't get it. She'd get all the support she needed..."_

_Fingers softly sealed Eli's mouth, followed closely by lips kissing her insistently._

_"Let it go. Come on, set the timer on the sprinklers and then let's get inside. I'm gonna cook something up. No restaurant tonight. Just me and you and a movie, okay?"_

_Eli inhaled deeply and tried to push the contemplation about Sofia's decision into the back of her mind. The uneasiness and worry remained, but when she looked at Sara again, she nodded and kissed her back._

_"You're right." She ran her hand down Sara's back. "So, you're cooking, gorgeous? And a movie? Can we make out on the couch and throw popcorn at each other? I need to get really different thoughts into my head."_

_Laughing, Sara let go of Eli and gently pushed her towards the water tap._

_"Are you gonna come in your pants like some overeager teenage boy when I let you get to second base?" _

_Eli whipped around and stared. Simply stared. _

_"Mind - blank, love. How'd you do that?" Eli advanced on Sara again. "Think I could grab a little teaser for that movie?"_

_Sara just winked and walked backwards towards the house._

_"__No, you can't. And I simply know how to handle you. I think I always knew. Hurry up. Waiting for you." And with that Sara lifted her bikini-top for the fraction of a second and blew Eli a kiss before she vanished into the kitchen._

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><p><strong>Guys, is somebody still out there? I'd love to have some feedback. All I hear lately is an echo<strong>**...echo...echo... Please, share some of your thoughts with me, will you?**


	12. Only human

**Please note: I apologise for the terribly bad editing job I did with the last chapter. There's words missing ****or misspelled, and a whole paragraph is in there twice, I really don't know what happened. Usually I do better than that and I will try to make sure it won't happen again.**

**I think now is the point when something happens that I am sure was somehow expected to be happening. At one point or another. I hope I don't disappoint in letting it. Nothing's set in stone though. I still have a lot of things in store when it comes to this story. It is far from over.**

* * *

><p><strong>12. Only human<strong>

Eli turned sleepily and cracking her eyes open slowly, she read the time on her alarm clock. 10:37AM.

What the f... Oh!

Oh!

Sitting up with a jolt, Eli escaped a rumbling and embarrassed groan.

Oh God. Not again...

She pushed her knees up and rested her elbows on them above the covers, her head buried in her hands. Looking quickly to her right, catching just the faintest hint of blonde hair splayed out over a silvery cushion in the swift movement, she sighed and rubbed her palms over her face, then paused, eyes going wide.

A smell, still so new and yet so much more familiar than it should be, soothing as well as oddly arousing reached her nostrils.

Sofia's scent still lingered on her fingers, enticing, yet frightening.

Eli propped the remaining cushions up against the headboard and leaned back into them, allowing herself to take another, a longer, completely undisturbed look at the sleeping form beside her.

Sofia faced away from her, her lips slightly parted, softly snoring. Though she looked relaxed, even in her sleep she still had faintly dark circles under her eyes and the frown had even after hours of sleep yet to vanish from her forehead.

Fragments of their activities hours prior flashed through Eli's mind.

She'd always thought that Sofia was capable of being a great seductress, she had all the treats, the charms, the smugness, the confidence, the beauty. Back when they'd first met, Eli had wasted a thought or three on how it would be, getting that blue eyed, lean, smart, and admittedly hot woman into her bed. Getting her out of those tight dark slacks and fitted button-down shirts, pushing her onto the bed, having her writhe and moan beneath her and then take her, rough, fast and relentless.

But there had been nothing rough or rushed about the night before. It had been infinitely gentle, slow and more like a mutual agreement that they needed this. There was no seductive play, no emotional confessions, nothing. Just two people who still hurt comforting each other, in the most basic of ways, reassuring the other that tenderness and softness and gentleness still existed in their messed up lives.

Though similar, not quite the same than the first time. There had been the same intent, but then again that other time had rather been a fuck session. A long and exquisite one.

And again, Eli wasn't even sure anything about their relationship with each other had really changed. After all, they had done this before. And all that was different was that she had known a few things about Sofia even more intimately.

It had been about comfort, about feeling safe, about feeling alive, even if it was just for a few hours. Letting the rest of the world and life fade away. Yet it had been so different than her numerous encounters over the last couple of months, here, tonight, it hadn't just been a convenient distraction, they hadn't fucked the pain away, they'd had sex with the pain constantly on their minds. She hadn't been too wary to let the other even touch her, instead of not even getting out of her clothes.

She didn't even recall who had initiated the first kiss. No, that wasn't true, Sofia would never have done that, so it must've been her. Yeah. They had been standing in the kitchen, Sofia holding a beer in her hand, her third already, though she drank slowly, and Eli had reluctantly tried to come up with a decent meal, after much bickering, she just hadn't been hungry, despite the long walk along the promenade and the rather exhausting talk about her feelings at the moment. The first they'd had since Sofia had told her about the night of the shooting.

That Eli felt like an important piece of the puzzle had been put into place, that it eased her worries to know now.

That Sofia admitted that it was still hard to watch Eli withdraw sometimes, but that she was glad that Eli had somehow found a way to deal with it. The loud music and stuff - and Eli had explained that she looked at pictures while she blasted her ears away, that she still had a hard time crying in front of the blonde and that was what she did when she closed the door behind herself. Cry. Feel. Grieve. Curl up on her bed and let yet a bit more of the pain break free.

Sofia had admitted just how much she'd worried, back in Vegas and that still every time Eli looked unuasually down over the past, rather relaxed and trouble free days, she'd always expected, waited for the other shoe to drop, for the flaring up of Eli's temper, that she'd feared Eli had kept some bottles in her room, that she wasn't able to keep mostly away from the alcohol.

Eli had just told her she'd promised to make it through without getting wasted again and she'd manage it, even if it was hard.

It had been late when they'd come back to the loft, Sofia was hungry and looked more tired than she'd had as she arrived and Eli was once again struggling with more emotions to bubble up after their conversation, the beer, the last already, once more didn't seem to be even remotely enough to calm her down sufficiently. The atmosphere bordered on tense, but they fought not to pick a fight over - just about anything their recent attitudes didn't see in the same light.

* * *

><p><em>"I'm still not hungry, Sophie."<em>

_Turning her head towards her friend, she caught Sofia's disapproving glance._

_"What?" She quipped. _

_"You still look haggard. That just isn't you and it sure doesn't look good. You've made so much progress."_

_"I really can't eat yet, Sofia. I can't. Not right now. I'm a blink a wrong word away from crying. I feel nauseated. Right now I really don't care about food. I try not to run away, Fia. But it's damn hard."_

_She shifted her stance to fully face the other woman, who frowned and gave her a meticulous once over._

_"You used to look really good. I used to like those curves, they suited you. They're all gone and it makes you look too hard. I can see that you're trying, so hard, you start facing the grieve and all your feelings head on and you can't win the fight every day. Not everyday can be about light jokes and talking about superficial stuff. Today wasn't such a day. Today was tough work."_

_"It was. And I'm getting sucked into the mood again. You've made sure to keep me thinking, you push me, but you don't push too hard. Let's leave it at that for today. Do I have to eat? I really..." __Eli wriggled her now slimmer hips a bit and watched her jeans fall loosely around her legs. She shed her shirt and stood in the middle of the kitchen in her tank top, looking down at herself.  
><em>

_"I don't really care about my looks anymore. And a lot of people approve of the way I look today, you've seen it yourself. I'm a chick magnet, still."_

_Sofia rolled her eyes at Eli's vain attempt to lighten the mood and Eli pursed her lips._

_"But I'm gonna try, okay? I'm gonna try to eat a little bit more. If my stomach allows it. But tonight, I really doubt that."_

_Sofia nodded, but suddenly looked utterly crestfallen._

_"What is it? Sofia?"_

_The blonde choked back a sob. She hated feeling so defenseless, so vulnerable, but she couldn't help feeling that way around Eli. She practically repeated what she'd said in the park, but not with the guardedness and carefulness - not to overwhelm Eli with the amount of her own feelings - she'd limited her comment with earlier. This was a rare emotional outbreak._

_"I worry about you-I worried every day back in Vegas. Thought about where you were, what you were doing, if you were okay, if you could cope. I know you promised me you wouldn't do anything stupid, but still, somehow I just waited for the phone to ring and somebody would tell me you're injured or even..."_

_Her voice broke, but she pulled herself together quickly._

_"I understand, Eli. Not fully, and I guess I never will, but I can relate. What you've lost, most people never even have in their lives. And you, you are the closest thing I have to a person I wouldn't wanna miss in my life. I could live with the fact, that you chose to leave Vegas, that you chose to put some distance between yourself and everyone you related to those last couple of years, I even understood why you didn't even call. I know that I broke a barrier you had been so afraid of stepping beyond, fearing it would destroy you for good. But you're still here. You're still alive. I've seen how alive you still can be in the last couple of days. It's all there, when you don't think too much. Yet then there are moments when you're barely breathing. I know it'll take time, but you got to find something worth living for. I don't want to lose you, Eli. Not half a year ago, not today, and not in the future. I know my friendship isn't that much to hold on to, my presence might have made a bit of a difference, but I'll do anything to make it _all_ worthwhile."_

_"Sofia. Stop. I'm already depending too much on you. I don't know yet how I will go on once you will have to go back to work. I dread the day you'll leave. You provide me with a stability I didn't think I could have after- after everything. Don't make yourself so small. You hold me up. But I do need to know it goes vice-versa. I just don't have much to give. Barely anything, I know that. I'm still distant, I can be frighteningly cold, even though I eventually laughed just a minute earlier. I know it's a constant push and pull and believe me, I know how much energy you invest in making everything appear as normal as possible. To not make me feel pressured or overwhelmed, but yet pushing me subtly, appear to be controlling me so that I keep my awareness and control myself. Just be strong for me a little bit longer. I need the strong, confident, smug, humorous Sofia. The one that can make me stop thinking about my pain and my sorrow. The only one who _can_ make me laugh. The one that makes me look ahead and not back. Who assures me that I can do the right thing. That I'll learn how to live again. That made me promise to fight. I need you."_

_Sofia trembled. She was strong and she desperately wanted to be that person for Eli every single minute, but even her energy needed some refill, her own emotions an outlet._

_"Eli, I-" She trailed off, feeling the moisture burn and collect in her eyes and tried blinking the tears away.  
><em>

_Eli weakly smiled. She knew her friend well._

_"I know. You can't keep that up for much longer. I can see how tired you are. Come here. Come here and I'll be strong for five minutes, okay?"_

_The words were barely out of Eli's mouth when Sofia latched into Eli's arms, clutching her in a death grip._

_This time Eli allowed herself to feel. To feel the warmth of another person, the closeness. Allowed herself to feel how much she'd missed physical contact that wasn't associated with meaningless sex, that came just naturally. Allowed herself to long for more. Though she asked herself immediately if that was even allowed. She'd suppressed such feelings for so long and right now they dared to burst out of her, from a source she couldn't explain. What would Sara say? God, what would she say if she knew about the past months, what would she say if she knew about all those other women? She'd be disgusted with her. A wave of regret so strong her knees almost buckled washed over Eli._

_Sofia didn't miss the change and eased a bit out of the embrace, knowing that the balance had, way too soon for her liking, tipped again. So many more unshed tears now gleamed in Eli's eyes._

_"I made so many mistakes since that day, Sofia. Why did I do that? What have I been looking for? What have I been thinking? It wasn't even about sex, at least not about any kind of real connection, maybe some release, yeah, somehow it was, but I need comfort and trust, I need to know that someone understands, I need to feel that I'm still alive... I just don't feel alive anymore, despite the changes, despite what progress I _feel_ I have already made. I still feel so numb. And yet not numb anough. I wanna open up, let it out, but I can't. I wanna feel safe again-"_

_Kind of guessing what Eli was talking about, Sofia tightened her hold again._

_"Feel that? You are alive. I can feel your heart beat against my chest, I feel your arms around me, I can hear the emotions in your voice. You're very much capable of feeling. And there's still people you can trust, people you can feel connected to. I'm not gonna lie, nothing will ever feel the same, you'll probably never feel just as safe and loved and secure and happy as you've been with Sara. But you are safe with me. There is a future somewhere out there for you. And you're on your best way to be able to see it again. You're 36, Eli. There's so much life that waits for you. And Sara wouldn't want you to miss out on that. Find something to occupy yourself with. Get a job. Do something with your money, something Sara would have liked. I don't know, fight for _something_ more. You need a purpose in life. So you can see again what it really is all about. What others are fighting for. And you'll find your way back to yourself."_

_Eli put some distance between them to look into Sofia's eyes._

_"You're amazing. How do you do that?"_

_Sofia stared unblinkingly into Eli's brown eyes that again showed a glimmer of real warmth. Such a rarity. She grinned smugly._

_"I know you. I learned who you are and what you need to be yourself and not defensive, angry and hurt college-Eli with the fake big ego. That's not you, that's you in disguise. You need to feel to be alive. Even if it's pain, even if it seems that simply getting out of bed is a chore and almost undoable. When you allow yourself to feel, everything, you can be yourself again. Whatever you're feeling Eli, it's a good thing."_

_"You don't know me that well. You don't know what I need, what I'm feeling, if it is good."_

_Once again, Sofia's embrace suddenly became suffocating and Eli got defensive. Too much. She felt too much. She tried to slip out of it, but Sofia held on._

_"No. No cheating, no more running away."_

_"Sofia..."_

_"No. I got you. You're safe. Feel."_

_Without hesitation, Eli slipped her hand under Sofia's chin and tilted her head upwards._

_As their eyes met Eli's gaze held so many unspoken questions. How could Sofia know her so well? How did she always seem to know just what to say to get through to Eli, to put her finger on the weak spot and yet never hurt her, just told the truth. She'd never thought about just how much about herself and her relationship she had shared with Sofia over the last couple of years. There had been Leonard-topics and Sofia-topics. And gradually she had begun sharing more with the blonde than with her former best friend of 14 years. She trusted her implicitly._

_Without really being able to escape the thought, Eli spoke what was on her mind. _

_"Fia, how much am I allowed to need you?"_

_This time it was Sofia who tried to get out of Eli's arms._

_"Eli..."_

_But it was too late. She was already being kissed._

_She hadn't forgotten how it felt to be kissed by Eli. And despite herself, the memories caught up with her quickly, a little too quickly perhaps, judging by her unrestrained reciprocation of the tender kiss._

_This shouldn't be happening, not again. Repeat that mistake. Had it been a mistake? Had it changed anything? Would it change anything now? Would it even be a mistake?  
><em>

_But when Eli sobbed into her mouth, gasping for breath and yet never breaking the contact, tightening the hold around Sofia waist to the point where it almost hurt, she couldn't deny her. She never could. She wound her hands through Eli's hair and gave in._

* * *

><p>"Eli?"<p>

Sofia's voice, husky with sleep, shook Eli out of her reverie. She focused again and found herself staring into a pair of ice blue eyes. She held the gaze and wondered what shone in them. It wasn't love, yet the softness in Sofia's eyes made her cringe inwardly.

"Don't you dare fall for me again, Curtis. I need my friend, I don't want or need a lover."

She practically repeated the words she'd spoken after the last time, but she meant them more than ever.

Sofia looked irritated, then frowned, then chuckled softly.

"But you needed _this_. You don't need a relationship but you could do with a friend with benefits, from time to time, that what you're saying?"

Eli hadn't even thought that far ahead. She hadn't thought at all. She'd just needed. In that very moment.

"No. If we were to do this again, I'd probably miss you even more once you've returned to Vegas. We're both reasonable grown-ups, Sophie. We can deal with this. But there's no need for repetition."

She was faced with a major pout from the blonde.

"Aw... Pity!"

"Really? Really, Sofia? Don't you 'aw' me about sex we're not gonna have. This is not what we are about. And you're gonna make me laugh and I don't want to. I'm still trying to process what happened."

Sofia propped her head up on her hand and leaned towards Eli.

"Then process. This was about hurt and comfort and allowing yourself to feel and feel something good even though you don't think you deserved that, even though you don't think anything should feel good to you right now, even though you really, really didn't want to let go, didn't want to admit to yourself that your body and mouth betrayed your mind."

Groaning, Eli slid down in the bed and hid her face in the cushions.

"Don't talk about that. I'm still embarrassed. I did say it though, huh?" Came a muffled voice.

Sofia grinned, but it was not a remorseful or angry grin, it was an amused one.

"Yeah, you did and actually I do feel kind of proud about it."

"Huh?" Was the only response Eli could come up with as her head reemerged. She'd called out Sara's name. She'd stared Sofia in the eyes and had called her Sara. Then she'd come, epically.

"Look, it means I might have done something very right... I know that somewhere along the way, your mind ventured off. It's okay. I kinda expected that."

The blush that graced Eli's cheeks was just as epic as her- yeah.

"I haven't let anyone touch me until tonight, Fia. How did you even know-" Eli trailed off and stared at her friend. "I mean, we've had sex before, I thought about what sex with you would be like, like ages ago and I just knew it would be good and it was last time, but this..."

Sofia's smug look was disarming and Eli finally did laugh.

"Well, you never said anything but judging by what I've witnessed over the years between you and Sara, let's say I made an educated guess. And it's in my nature anyway. I'm not the passive kind."

Eli's cheeks grew even redder and heat coiled through her body, making her fingers twitch.

"You sure aren't."

Sofia closed in and pecked Eli on the lips.

There was a moment of silence between them as they stared at each other.

Something passed between then and again on a silent, mutual agreement they closed in on each other and kissed again.

The last night had been all about Eli, and Sofia wouldn't have complained. But she just couldn't deny that she didn't mind at all that Eli seemed to be about to return the favour, despite her earlier words. And she couldn't fight the roar that buzzed through her body, the tension that had built up in her lower abdomen, the blood rushing hotly through her veins, knowing how Eli could manipulate her body, how it had felt the first time.

Eli broke the kiss and hovered sideways beneath Sofia.

"How? Just tell me how."

The shudder was just not possible to suppress at Eli's low throaty tone, neither was the growled moan that escaped her mouth.

"God I just can't believe you are asking me this. It's surreal, Eli."

Eli's next kiss was deep and lazy and positively one of the most arousing Sofia had ever shared with anyone. And set her on fire against her will. Just thinking about that tongue on so many other places... And those fingers finishing what they'd started last night, before Eli had become too distracted to continue. But she'd already felt them. Oh yes and she wanted them again, no distractions this time.

Sofia pushed Eli back onto the mattress and threw the covers aside, then straddled Eli's hips and gently tugged at her hand, bringing it up to her mouth and keeping the pinkie and thumb flexed, she swirled her tongue around the remaining three. Eli's eyes turned a darker shade of brown, but she complied as Sofia guided her hand between their bodies.

"At once?" She managed to ground out. "You ready enough."

Sofia just nodded and flung her head back as she felt the first tentative touch, but then bent forward and raspily murmured into Eli's ear.

"Believe me, I am. Hard and fast, that's how." She needed release and she needed it soon. She'd love to go slow, she'd love to keep going for the better part of the day, but right now, she needed to come. Before Eli might even change her mind.

But Eli didn't even hesitate.

Sofia riding her hand in wanton abandon was three things: incredibly hot to watch from below, empowering and kinda deliciously obscene in a good, good way.

And when she came, the sound was a mixture of hoarse scream, growled curse and long deep satisfied groan.

Eli pulled out before it was completely over, grabbed Sofia's ass roughly and pushed her forwards and up to her face level, catching her completely by surprise and she gripped the iron bars to brace herself as Eli let her mouth continue the job until the blonde twitched uncontrollably above her and came again with a feral grunt and a surprising wave of wetness coating Eli's face.

As Sofia went slack and sank onto the bed beside Eli, she flushed bright red.

"I can't believe you let me come like that on your face." She shuddered with pleasurable aftershocks and the thought of how her body had reacted, and stared at Eli. "So fucking intense."

Realising what she had said, her face reddened even more. "Gosh, I'm sorry, I tend to... that happens when I'm really - um..." And she turned away from Eli, trying to hide the embarassment she wouldn't usually feel, if this had been anyone else but Eli, her best friend, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her.

"Hey, Sofia. Don't be sorry. I really kinda- dig it. No need to feel ashamed. So you're vocal, I already knew that and you, well, huh- "

Sofia's fingers on Eli's lips silenced her, then they began to gently wipe some of the moisture off.

"You _dig _it?"

Eli just grinned saucily and licked her lips.

"No kidding, I really love when women can come like this. In my experience, few can. It's amazing. Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet, Fia. I'm anything but shy and I am everything but vanilla." Eli winked and hoped she'd eliminated the tension and reduced Sofia's surprising embarrassment to a minimum.

The blonde smiled over at her friend, now utterly enjoying this moment were Eli seemed so carefree, so alive, momentarily so free of all her pain and grief.

"That smile. You just really smiled." She stated delighted.

"For a moment there I felt like the weight had been lifted off me, yeah."

Eli wiped her face and rolled into Sofia's side, kissing the still smiling woman gently and chastely. They were moments away from parting, ending this moment and restoring their usual balance. And that was just fine.

"Thank you, Fia."

"Anytime."

Eli snorted. "Yeah, sure..."

Slightly belated, a smug smirk settled on Sofia's features.

"So, everything but vanilla? That you might have a kinky streak I'd never have doubted, still it _was_ a pretty well kept secret. I maybe guessed before tonight and I guessed right. Well, that depends on what kind of flavour we're really talking about..."

Eli arched an eyebrow and rolled back onto her back.

"We're not talking about it at all. Not now, not ever. Don't forget, one-time thing."

Sofia still grinned, stretched slowly, watching Eli's appreciative gaze out of the corners of her eyes.

"Two-time thing. And - yeah, sure." She replied under her breath, echoing Eli's previous words as she got up and disappeared into the bathroom.

Eli still had a thing for showers. Standing under the warm and strong spray, she couldn't help but wonder what their encounter really meant given the general situation. She thought back at the time when she had been in love with Eli, more than just a crush, more than just an attraction.

Would it have felt different, would she have felt different, experienced it differently?

Both times she'd had sex with Eli had been under very _special_ circumstances.

How did she feel at all?

She groaned at the sudden sense of complacency that invaded her thoughts.

Oh god, that was so wrong in so many ways.

Eli was still so fragile, was still hurting so bad and here she was, having come to take care of her friend, to try and build her up, to comfort and strengthen her. The sex had just happened and it hadn't felt uncomfortable or wrong. It had been the right thing to do. It had provided them, both, with the comfort they'd wanted and fulfilled the need they'd, again, both, felt. Connection, closeness, a sense of safety. Human touch and also, emotional and physical release. And God, what a release. For a minute right now she couldn't think of anything else but getting that 'not gonna happen again'-thought out of Eli's mind. To be able to feel those lips and hands, that body all over or beneath hers again. And again. To fall asleep in Eli's embrace. To hear that carefree laugh, wake up to warm brown eyes and a contented smile.

The slick shampoo bottle slipped out of Sofia's suddenly numb fingers and cluttered to the floor. Connection, closeness, safety, trust. Fulfilling a need. She realised she hadn't allowed herself to really feel, until right now. She hadn't allowed herself to see that clearly.

Eli's words echoed in Sofia's head.

_'Don't you dare fall for me again, Curtis.'_

She sank to the shower floor and let the water patter down on her. Closing her eyes, she tipped her head back and faced the spray until she couldn't hold her breath anymore. Her heart beat wildly in her tightening chest as she clamped down on the surging up emotions, she breathed heavily and willed the thoughts away.

No. No, no.

This just wasn't happening. It couldn't be. It would be ruining everything.

Slowly she picked herself up from the floor and finished her shower in calm, routined movements.

She wouldn't let it. She'd be fighting for what she'd accomplished so far. And for everything they had built the years prior. She had control over this. Hadn't she always had control over this? She would not let go of it now. Not now, not ever.

* * *

><p><strong>Any thoughts? Apart from wanting me to update soon?<strong>

**Thanks for reading! Those who stick around for this one really mean a lot to me...**


	13. Testimonies in ink

**Having barely survived a really boozed up weekend, I finally got around to finishing this chapter. **

**It's a bit shorter than usual, but I promise the next update isn't too far away.**

* * *

><p><strong>13. Testimonies in ink<strong>

As she stepped into the tattoo-parlour and made the doorbell go off with its typical Harley-Davidson roar, a high-pitched screech came from the closest desk at almost the same moment.

All flowing hair and waving arms, a small, tanned, black-haired woman in her early thirties jumped up from her chair, sending pens and paper flying and flung herself into Eli's arms.

"Oh goodness gracious, woman! Haven't seen you in ages."

A smacking peck was delivered to her cheek and Eli had to grin despite herself.

"Last thing I knew was that you'd left here for Vegas. Fighting crime in Sin City. Detective Trent. It's so good to see you again. Man, you look different, you've lost weight. It suits you."

Eli huffed and shook her head.

"I doesn't. Look a little closer, Haley. But I'm happy to see you again, too, babygirl. Say, is Howard in?"

The petite and heavily tattooed Haley took a step back and scrutinized Eli. The frown that settled over her features made Eli raise her brows.

"Yeah, you do look beat. A little pale. And you're pretty skinny. Something happened? Okay, don't answer that, not now. I can see you don't want to. Listen, Howie is on break, the long kind involving some busty blonde chick, you know?" Haley winked and rolled her eyes. "He hasn't changed one bit, Eli. But maybe I can help?"

Thankfully acknowledging Haley's retreat, Eli reached for the crumbled piece of paper that had been nestled into the depths of her jeans pocket for days now. This was one thing she'd put off ever since she got back. Now, she could finally face this moment. She'd always gotten the important events in her life inked deep into her skin and for Sara, it was more than worth getting this done. Finally.

She walked over to Haley's desk, clutching the piece of paper tightly in her hand, but distracting herself from the inevitable moment a little longer by curiously examining the photos of the young tattoo artist's work that occupied a huge pin board at the wall. She ran her fingers over some of the more elaborated drawings and pursed her lips. Then she studied the wall at the right side of the studio where the many pictures of tattoos more or less recently done were displayed. A lot reflected Howards unique style, but more and more showed that Haley must have made herself a reputation throughout the years and her art was beautiful.

"You've become a real artist. Those are some amazing works. Maybe I'll reconsider and let you do it. Here, take a look."

She flattened the crinkly page and pushed it over to Haley, who had resumed her position on her chair, cleaning up the clutter from beneath the desk before her eyes fell on the sketch.

She sucked in a sharp breath and couldn't stop the question that bubbled up and made its way straight out of her mouth.

"Who died, honey?"

Eli shrugged, she'd known she'd be confronted with these questions and had reinstated some of the walls she'd broken down over the past week and a half. Still, the muscles in her jaw worked as she faced Haley.

"The love of my life."

Haley gasped and for a minute she just stared at Eli.

"What was her name?"

"Sara. It was Sara."

"This idea is... remarkable. I can so work with this, make it stunning. If I remember correctly, you've had your upper arms, your shoulders, part of your ribcage and your hip done, huh? Where is it supposed to go?"

"My back. My whole back."

"Whoa... You sure?"

"Yeah, Haley. There's no doubt. Can you do with the font or should I pick a simpler one?"

"No, the font is beautiful. What about that chicken scratch at the bottom?"

Eli ground her teeth. Hard.

"It's her handwriting. It's from a note I found on the kitchen table one day just after we'd had a fight."

"Sorry I called it chicken scratch..."

"No, don't apologize. She didn't have the most elegant handwriting, but it was- well, expressive."

Eli rung with tears, her voice shaky. Fuck!

"I'm going to call off my appointments for the afternoon. We'll get started right away. How much do you think you can take? I'd say this'd be worth two to three sittings, usually."

"You know I'm not the squeamish kind. Let's just see how much we can get done today. I've eaten, I haven't had any alcohol yesterday, but I did drink coffee. Not too much though."

"Phfff, I've heard much worse. I'm gonna start drawing. Get yourself a soda, you know your way around. Nothing's really changed."

Eli walked across the black and white checkered linoleum floor, threw a glance at Howard's desk, ran her hand over the vintage Harley Davidson that occupied one corner of the slightly chaotic, but nonetheless so very warm and welcoming shop.

She'd spent so many hours in this place back when she was at Berkeley and later in Police Academy, then as a beat cop. Hunky motorcycle freaks with leather vests and countless tattoos, rocker chicks in too tight pants and with bad hair dye job beside punks and laid back students, boxes of beer and cheap pizza from the place around the corner, metal music and the constant humming of the tattoo machine motor in the background, Tequila shots and the strangest conversations. The old coke vending machine that still worked, though clearly a relic of the 60s. Punching the button, a real glass bottle clonked into the output compartment, ice cold. She sank into the black rugged leather armchair, took a sip and let out a long deep breath. It felt good to be back here.

It had taken her ages to decide on a design. She knew that with this one, she definitely crossed a line she'd always drawn. There'd be barely any colour-free skin left on her back. She'd never thought she'd get so many tattoos, but once she'd really gotten started, there was no going back to plain old Eli. And there had always been events in her life she'd wanted to hold on to, be reminded of, one way or another. Sara had liked it, it was an essential part of Eli and it suited her, so she'd learned to love the tattoos even though she usually hadn't been a fan of them covering so much skin. And in time she came to find it kinda sexy.

Finding the words to accompany the picture hadn't been that difficult. They were leaning on an Albert Einstein quote and in Eli's eyes, they simply fitted Sara.

_'Now she has departed from this strange world ahead of me. That signifies nothing. For believing physicists the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.'_

Underneath came Sara's scribbled words, copied and slightly enlarged from the small note.

_'I love you,__ Sparrow, and I always will. Nothing I can imagine could ever change that. Just so you know. Sara'_

Then there was a tree, standing on the edge of a cliff, with the rising sea and a shore in the background, a few sunbeams peeking through a storm-clouded sky. She loved it and she knew she'd wear it proudly every single day for the rest of her life.

Eli was lying on her stomach and the constant buzzing had dizzied her, making her almost fall asleep under Haley's capable and gentle hands. The pain had dulled, wasn't irritating her much. She barely heard the unique doorbell go off again.

"Hello?" echoed a familiar voice through the front.

"Hey there, I'm working, but I'll be there for you in a minute." Haley shifted and was about to finish another line and set the machine down to take care of the new customer as Eli spoke up.

"It's a friend of mine. Just tell her to get back here, she can stay."

"What's her name?"

"Sofia."

"So I get to meet the woman who put up with you?"

They had talked about the past months during the session, Eli trusted Haley and she needed to confess her idiocies to someone. Someone who wouldn't judge her. Someone who just took things in stride.

With a lower voice Haley added. "The woman you allowed into your bed? She's got to be one impressive chick."

Eli sighed. She'd almost forgotten just how blunt and almost painfully honest Haley had always been, pointing out and emphasising what others were just thinking and wisely kept to themselves. "Yeah. She's- Sofia's fearless. Not even Lenny would have done that after- you know. She's a great person. And don't you dare mention I told you _any_ of all this."

"Uh-huh..."

Haley leaned back towards the ajar door and yelled.

"Hey, Sofia, come on in here. We're far from being done but you can watch if you like."

Quiet footsteps closed in and the door was being opened hesitantly.

Eli turned her head to face her friend.

"Hey." She muttered softly.

"Hey yourself, crazy woman. Wow. Wow, this is, it's beautiful."

Sofia stepped closer and stared amazed at the picture that was forming on Eli's back.

Haley grinned and watched Sofia's reaction out of the corner of her eyes, never stopping her lining of the quote she was just working on.

"Sofia, the artist bringing this to life is Haley. Her boss did a lot of my other ink, but now it's her turn. We've known each other for years. There's a fridge around the corner if you'd like to drink something, or you can just get that stool over there and well, watch."

Sofia blindly reached for the small stool and sat down on it opposite Haley on the other side of the bench, never taking her eyes off Eli's back. They followed the path of the tattoo machine across Eli's skin meticulously.

The air was thicker than it had been before Sofia's arrival and Haley felt the sudden urge to fill the heavy silence.

"So, Sofia, do you have a tattoo?"

Dazed, Sofia lifted her eyes and thought for a moment.

"Uh, no, I don't."

"Ever thought of getting one?"

"Not in the past, no. I always thought I wasn't the type. And being on the force, well, I didn't consider it as a possibility."

"And now? I mean, look at me, I'm covered in ink, you just have to avoid certain areas." Eli inquired, stunned by Sofia's quite obvious fascination.

"Maybe."

"Really?"

"I think I'm old enough now to not make any decisions I'd regret later on. So maybe, yeah. Does it hurt badly?" Genuinely surprised, Eli furrowed her brows. Sofia with a tattoo? Then she had to keep herself from chuckling, or moving her body in any other way.

"The backs and insides of my upper arms. That was kinda- unpleasant. The pattern on my ribs, the side, you know, that actually hurt. I know from friends that kneecaps hurt really bad and the throat, feet and other genuinely sensitive spots. But it's part of the experience, part of the process. It's not too bad. It's a good feeling, to know what happens to your body. To feel how something is imprinted into your skin forever. It has a meaning."

"Wow. Okay... I mean you know just how surprised I was when I first noticed just how many tattoos you had-"

"You mean that day on my doorstep when you practically undressed me with your eyes? I never thought - ah, never mind..." Eli ventured off, remembering a little too vividly how Sofia's fingers had traced the intricate pattern on her ribs just two days ago.

"Admit, you liked it, I know you like being flattered. Now shut up."

Sofia covered her slight embarrassment with humour and hid the blush that crept up her cheeks by palming her own cheeks and continuing to watch the path of the tattoo machine on Eli's back.

A few moments of silence ensued.

"What would you choose, Fia?" Eli let the question hang in the air for a moment.

"I don't know. Maybe I'll think about it. Like I said, I never have."

Haley and Eli exchanged a short but knowing glance.

"You're not gonna do it." They said simultaneously.

Sofia's head whipped up and her expression was irritated and guarded.

"I think I just might. Haley, is there a bathroom I could use?"

"Of course, down the hall second door to the right."

"Thank you."

The moment the door closed behind Sofia, Haley lifted the machine off Eli's skin and laughed.

"Haley?"

"She doesn't like to be challenged, huh?"

Eli grinned into the towel beneath her head.

"Oh, no, she doesn't."

"She's so very in love with you, you know that? God, and you slept with her. Made her the first woman to share that kind of intimacy with you at that point in your life. She's in love with you and you had comfort sex! Eli! It could've meant so much more for her." She swatted Eli's shoulder lightly.

Lifting her upper body off slightly off the bench to find a more comfortable position, Eli hissed in slight pain as she turned towards her smirking friend.

"Hey, we are on the same page about that. It _was_ just about comfort and - human needs. You're wrong, Haley, she loves me, but just like I love her, as a friend, as family, she's not _in_ love with me. She's not. I'd know."

Haley raised both her eyebrows and shook her head, her expression solemn and a bit amused.

"Oh, but she is, Eli. She's been in here for not even twenty minutes and every fiber of her body screams that she's in love with you. The way she looks at you and then catches herself. Too worried to put that additional weight on you. Too caring to let it show. Too gentle to eventually get you into an inner conflict that'd be scary and incomprehensible at this time. She knows it's way too soon. But she loves you, hon. If you'd pick something out for her, she'd wear it on her skin in a heartbeat. Without questioning your decision. Take your time dealing with your pain. This one won't go away. Maybe one day she'll be exactly what you need. She'll be there when you're ready."

Eli frowned at Haley.

"I don't think I'll ever be ready. I think I'd prefer to have her as friend. And I honestly don't believe what you're suggesting."

Haley smiled sadly, but encouragingly.

"You think that now. Of course you do. But everyone needs hope in their lives, needs love. One day, you'll need it again, too. Let her be the hope you need now and maybe she'll become the love you'll need once you're not grieving that much anymore."

The door handle moved and Haley went back to work while Eli shook her head in disbelief, her mind spinning while Sofia resumed her position beside the table.

Eli went over Haley's words again and again. And figured it was worth trying to prove her wrong.

"Fia?"

"Huh?"

"I have an idea, would you like to hear it?"

"An idea? For what?"

"Your first tat."

Curiosity and doubt blended into one another in Sofia's gaze, but she arched a brow and looked at Eli expectantly.

"Shoot."

"A tiger lily, on your stomach, left side of your belly button, an inch above. A realistic tattoo, colourful and full of life. With stem and a few green leaves. Which colour would you prefer? More an orange tone or rose or a dark violet fading into lilac and white?"

"A tiger lily? I'm not the flowery type, Eli!"

"Listen to me, Sofia. Tiger lilies represent wealth, both emotional and material, and pride. As though they exactly know how important, how beautiful, how meaningful they are. It'd suit you."

Haley interfered as she saw the tense look on the blonde's face, the light flush that crept into her cheeks at the implied compliment.

"They're typically orange with dark, almost black dots. But with your skin tone, I'd go for a light lilac and white with purple dots. The meaning of a white lily is even richer. They represent purity, modesty, virginity, majesty, expressing 'it's heavenly to be with you'. The white lily is linked to Juno, the queen of the gods in Roman mythology, by the story that while nursing her son Hercules, some excess milk fell from the sky creating the group of stars we call the Milky Way, and lilies were created from what milk fell to the earth. It's a great symbolism."

Sofia was simply stunned. And she knew she'd do it. And it showed on her face.

Eli turned her head first towards Haley and her mouth formed an 'Oh my god!' and then to Sofia, with a smile grazing her lips. A smile that reached her eyes.

"I'll hold your hand. It's probably one of those more sensitive spots, you could go for shoulder blade to circumvent the pain, but..."

"No. No, it's exactly right. Haley, do you think you could sketch that for me sometime, so I'd get a better impression of what I might be saying yes to here? What I'm getting talked into."

She shot Eli a glare, but her expression was soft and she seemed to be fighting off a smile by biting her lip.

Haley grinned goofily as she watched Sofia's hand seek out Eli's, and Eli squeezing it without thinking twice.

"Of course. Come by after the weekend, I'll have a draft ready. It'll be my pleasure to do your first."

She winked, Eli frowned in amazement and Sofia Curtis actually blushed even more.

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><p>Eli sat on a chair in her living room her forearms resting on the back of the chair, she was naked from the waist up and leaned into the towel that was flung over the chair. The light of the ceiling lamp was dimmed, but the remaining glow was enough to make Sofia pause in amazement as she approached her friend, her eyes again wandering over even the tiniest detail of the new ink on Eli's back. She fumblingly peeled the fine lid from the tube of ointment, then set it aside again and rubbed her hands together to make sure they were warm before she squeezed some of the balm out of the tube and spread it all over her palms.<p>

"You're a work of art, honey." The endearment feel from her lips like it had so many times before. Like this was no different for her. Like nothing had changed. Yet Eli didn't know. She had said it before and would say it again, as friends. And though she knew Eli understood the compliment as directed towards her tattoos, but it meant exactly what it really said to Sofia. So damn much more. Though still so thin, there were still well-defined muscles visible, rippling beneath the skin as Sofia's hands applied the ointment. She could feel each rib, the little bumps along Eli's spine, her hands were gentle and thorough in doing their job, but she relished in being able to touch Eli without any worry that it could cause suspicion. She waited for a couple of minutes after she was done, until most of the salve had been absorbed by the skin, then helped Eli back into a soft, thin shirt.

Then she busied herself in the kitchen, making a potato soup with some sausages for dinner. Eli had turned around, to maintain her position on the chair but be able to watch her cook. Somehow she felt Eli watching her and yet not. She seemed miles away. They didn't speak a word but the silence wasn't uncomfortable, it felt natural.

That was until Sofia put the lid on the pot, to let it simmer for about half an hour and turned back around to face Eli. Liquid brown eyes stared at her, through her, into space, Eli's brows were furrowed. Then their eyes met. There was no need to speak, Sofia instantly understood what those tears were about. She opened the fridge, retrieved two beers and opened them, then went over to grab herself another chair and set one bottle down in front of Eli, holding the other one in her hand.

"To Sara. To what reminds us. To the things that never get lost, the things we'll always remember, that'll always be with us. To everything that nothing can take away, not even time, not even death. To you, my friend, to both your strengths and your weaknesses. To love that is though it is not."

Tears spilled over and Eli cried without a sound, holding Sofia's glance, blindly reaching for the bottle and lifting it up.

With a voice hoarse with tears and emotions, Eli added almost so low Sofia had difficulty to understand.

"Yeah, to love, because without it, everything is lost. To sorrow. To grief. And to life. To a life still worth living." The faintest hint of a smile appeared on Eli's lips, pain and alleviation lay so close together these days. "To you," At that Sofia's eyes watered up, too. "to your friendship, your persistence and your trust. And of course, to Sara."

They clanked their bottles, and took long gulps, both now crying openly.

One for a love lost, a mission accomplished, a new challenge ahead, a friend in a dilemma, for the many battles still to fight, but also for a new life within grasp.

The other for her friend's pain, for the progress made, her acknowledgement of an attraction she couldn't deny any longer, as she reached over and wiped some tears off Eli's cheeks.

"Thank you for not running away. For letting me see this. It's okay. Nothing you could do could ever be wrong, not with me, as long as you don't run again. Please keep that in mind."

Eli nodded as a warm thumb that smelled a bit like root vegetables ran over her cheekbones. The touch comforting, care and love shining lively in Sofia's eyes. They were as blue as the ocean on bright summer's day and Eli felt that she couldn't look away. Everyone should have someone in their lives that looked at them like that. Like there was no one else but them in the whole world. Like everything just faded away, became irrelevant. Sara had looked at her like that.

Eli caught Sofia's hand against her cheek and started sobbing.

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><p><strong>I would be delighted to hear some thoughts. I know few people are reading this, so I'm all the more interested what keeps those who still do with me in this story. This one has carved it's way deeper into my heart than any story before, so this is not about how rewarding reviews can be, I'm not looking for praise, but instead I'm honestly interested in anyone's opinion on this, good or bad.<strong>

**Thanks a lot!**


	14. Everything leads right back to you

**I didn't plan on updating with this chapter already. But too much went wrong during the last couple of days, the final straw being a lost part of a document I wrote late last night, three pages of a very important scene for a story I'm working on just got lost somewhere between the (not so very) smart phone and editing it on the PC. Just gone. And it was f*cking good and an important moment and I don't have such a kind of memory like Little Grey to just jot it dfown exactly as it was and I know it'll never be just as good if I try and write it again. I'll have to change the whole scene to make it work. It just pisses me off, makes me smoke a buttload of cigarettes, exhaust all my computer knowledge and yet I come up empty. Can someone just rewind to midnight central European time, please?**

**So anyway, here's your chance to still make my day, by reading an reviewing, so when I come back later today, I'll have something to be happy about and forget about that bloody incident that makes me wanny pull my hair out. Argh!**

**Any more mistakes than usual I am sorry for, but I skipped the final editing and just uploaded it as it was last time I read over it. Like I said, nothing went according to plan.**

**Back to your regularly scheduled program...  
><strong>

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><p><strong>14. <strong>**Everything leads right back to you**

Sofia needed air. As moderately easy and uncomplicated as the rest of the last week had been, practically within the blink of an eye Eli's mood had made a 180° turn and it was suffocating her. The amiable atmosphere was gone, the laughter that had overcome them more and more often had died over the course of the weekend and now they barely communicated at all. Eli withdrew, grew cold again, showed almost less emotion than in the beginning. It scared Sofia more than anything that she couldn't even provoke Eli to get angry anymore. They had taken so many steps forward just to seemingly make at least the same number backwards. More and more often the brunette locked herself into her room, with no loud music, just a faint light reflecting on the threshold. They hadn't exchanged a single word in three days. They hadn't gone out and Eli had been off to the gym this morning so early that Sofia had still been asleep and woken up to an empty apartment and a note on the coffee maker that simply said: 'I'm at the gym.'.

It was hard to just gauge what might have induced Eli's abrupt change in attitude. She mentally went through all the important dates she knew of, it was neither Sara's birthday nor anything else Sofia could think of. It couldn't be due to the fact that they'd slept together, they had talked about it over breakfast that day and had come to the (almost) mutual agreement that it had been a good thing at the very moment, but they really didn't want to make it a habit.

After pacing the living room, lost in thought, knowing she'd need to take some time off from their silence, too, she found herself standing in front of Eli's room, her hand on the doorknob. Hesitating, not knowing how long the tall brunette had already been gone, when she'd be back, but then curiosity won and she stepped into Eli's sanctuary. She'd only been in here twice, the first time she'd simply rushed to the bathroom on that day Eli had punched the wall, not caring at all to take a look around, the second time she'd been seriously preoccupied both when she'd entered the room, busy kissing Eli and not stumbling whilst walking backwards, as well as she'd left it, hurried, in Eli's bathrobe, errant thoughts about her feelings towards Eli and how to deal with them on her mind. Now she took the time to really take it all in.

Dark wooden floorboards, the wrought iron framed-king-size bed situated on a chocolate brown, shaggy, large rug, purple satin sheets, not silver like the other day, the covers left in a careless crumpled mess, several fluffy cushions. The wall behind the headboard (she'd held on to that, tightly, she remembered shivering) raw red bricks, with remnants of plaster and paint in places, the other three walls painted in almost the same tone of purple the bedclothes had. The massive stereo system and flat screen that seemed to also be hooked up to a computer and the enormous speakers explained the almost deafening volume at which Eli sometimes had listened to music, before she'd stopped. The blinds that were drawn across the floor-to -ceiling windows and the sliding door that gave access to the terrace shimmered in a metallic grey, the ceiling lamp looked modern and chromed. There were much fewer bookshelves than in the living room, but these were filled with what Sofia knew to be Eli's precious comic-book collection and a lot of books, looking like they must have belonged to Sara. On the middle boards stood framed pictures, lots of them. Throwing a cautious glance over her shoulder and gritting her teeth, Sofia took the chance to linger a few minutes longer and stepped closer. The first framed Photograph showed Eli when she'd been a teenager, in a soccer outfit, goalkeeper, it seemed reasonable since Eli already appeared pretty tall though she couldn't be older than 15. Cute. Another picture of just Eli, in a chefs jacket. The grin that spread wide over her face once again confirmed that she had often seemed the happiest when she was cooking, her time at the CIA must have been a great experience. Then lots of frames that held snapshots of Eli and Sara together. In San Francisco, in their garden, at an outlook point overlooking the foggy bay with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background, one of them at work in Vegas, Eli in her court suit and Sara wearing her CSI-vest, sharing a coffee in the lab's break room, laughing at something or someone outside the frame. And one of them kissing. Sofia almost felt like she was invading, witnessing such an intimate private moment caught on film. She suspected Lindsey to have taken it, the teenager had had an incredible eye. Sara's hand had found firm purchase at Eli's neck, pulling her close, her eyes were open and brimmed with love whereas Eli's were closed, her expression displaying bliss, the sweetest surrender, their lips locked tightly in a sensuous looking kiss. It was a perfect moment, a testimony of the love those two had felt for one another, frozen in time. Right beside it the picture of Sara Eli had used for the funeral. As her gaze fell upon the next impression of Sara, Sofia felt the heat creep up into her cheeks. She knew she probably should just go on to the next frame, but it was too beautiful not to stare at it. It was in black and white and seemed to have been taken from above. It didn't look staged, though it might as well have been, but the eroticism was undeniable. Sara's long neck was stretched and the tendons straining as she seemed to have arched off the sheets beneath her, her lips slightly parted, eyes shut tightly, a look of pleasure and - and - Sofia shook her head. Sara might as well have looked as if she was about to come. It was a wondrous sight. A soft smile played about her lips and she raised her brows. Well, wow. The next picture showed the 'extended family', definitely at Lake Mead, Sofia remembered the day quite vividly. They were all in it, Leonard, Catherine and Lindsey, Eli and Sara and Greg and Sofia herself, squeezed between Eli and Greg, both Greg's and Eli's arms wound around her waist, they had exchanged the smallest look and had started tickling her mercilessly, so she was laughing, trying to bend down in the picture. It was lovely. The last was just her and Eli and Sofia gasped. It was definitely the Christmas Ball, the winter before Sara had died. Eli had worn a Tuxedo and had been looking extremely handsome in it. She had worn a dark green gown and the photo had been taken the moment Eli had asked her to dance in a classic, almost gentlemanly gesture. It showed her hand in Eli's, who'd taken it up to her smirking mouth and placed a feather light kiss on it while she curtsied, chuckling. But what astonished her was the look in her eyes. She appeared enthralled, smitten almost. Where Eli had just been her cheeky, humorous self, she looked - . Too much like the woman that stared at her out of the mirror in the mornings, for days now, at least for the first few, glorious seconds after waking up. The woman with a very vivid and joyful twinkle in her eyes, a bright smile on her lips, a woman with laugh lines and slightly flushed cheeks. She looked like a woman in love. Until she remembered or rather, focused on the present and the smile turned into a frown, the laugh lines into the usual wrinkles and her eyes just didn't look as lively anymore. But the woman in the picture, she had that other look. Weeks, months, years came crashing back onto Sofia and buried her under an avalanche of sudden realisation.

Taking a last look around, Sofia left the room in a hurry, her heart pounding in her chest at an unusual speed. With trembling hands she poured herself a cup of coffee and wandered over to the plush leather couch, slowly sinking into it. She tried to remember the situation. It had been a little into the evening and she remembered having not gone lightly on the drinks. She'd been kinda tipsy and in an exceptionally good mood, Eli and Brass had been the ones on call and she could just enjoy, for once. She remembered joking with Sara when Warrick had been dancing with Eli, both in tuxes and making a marvelous, almost hilarious pair because Warrick naturally led and Eli did her best to come across as girly as she possibly could despite her attire, letting herself being swirled around and dipped deeply, batting her naturally long lashes at Warrick who'd let out a rumbling laugh and kissed Eli on the cheek at the end of the dance. Sara and Sofia had wondered whether Eli would ever wear a dress and if she could pull off the heels, which would take her just above 6 feet, finally deciding they should throw a cross-dressing party one day and they'd make Eli wear a dress, one way or another. Then Greg had whisked Sara away and Eli had come up to her.

Swaggering, one hand in her pocket, the other running through her curls. The black suit perfectly fitted, a tad bit tighter and form-fitting than the guys, accentuating Eli's shoulders, but also her hips, pants with a perfect cut and polished black shoes. Sofia remembered that she'd, in all innocence, that's what she'd told herself at least, thought that the tall handsome Detective looked good enough to eat. She'd put her empty glass aside as Eli extended her hand:

_"Miss Curtis, may I have this dance?" _Eli smirked and that was the moment the picture had to have been taken. Sofia had placed her hand into Eli's and curtsied while she felt the softest touch of Eli's lips on the back of her hand.

_"It would be my pleasure, Miss Trent."_

Then they rushed onto the dance floor and though Sofia wasn't a particularly good dancer, it was just a disco fox and Eli was a perfect lead. The song was over far too quickly for her taste and a slower number came on. Sofia looked around for Sara to change partners so Eli and Sara could dance, but Sara was already dancing with Leonard, in an animated conversation while they swayed to the music. Eli had looked into the same direction, then met Sofia's glance.

_"You up for another one with me?"_Eli grinned, pulling Sofia just a little bit closer and adapting a position more adequate for the pace, her hand coming to a rest at the small of Sofia's back. She nodded, her throat suddenly uncomfortably dry. They shuffled more than they danced and Sofia felt a bit like at her homecoming, but had blamed it on the alcohol. Eli was like the hot but unattainable jock suddenly asking her to dance, and she felt the same rush of warmth settling somewhere too low for comfort. Again she blamed it on the alcohol and on Eli's attractiveness in this unusually formal attire and that she tended to get easily excited in this slight state of intoxication. Physical reaction. Blast from the past. But Eli's hand was warm on her back, the breath grazing her neck dared to give her goose bumps, the body so close to her own tempted her. The knowledge of what Eli looked like, naked, sweaty, muscles well-defined and straining while strong fingers pumped in and out of her... She stopped dead in her tracks and Eli promptly bumped into her.

_"Hey, are you okay, Fia?__"_

She shook her head slowly, shaking off the sudden images.

_"I think I might need a glass of water. I must have had more than I thought."_

Eli steered her to the next set of tables to sit down.

_"I'll get it. You stay put. You do look a little flushed but somehow also pale... Hmm... Back in sec."_

While Eli waited at the bar, Sofia tried to organise her thoughts. Decipher her emotions. And decided that it was nothing but a moment of lust. That fateful night with Eli had surely left an impression, but when she looked over at her returning friend, the urge to feel that again had already lessened and left was the usual comfortable, warming affection she always felt for Eli.

She emptied the glass in a couple of gulps, the cold liquid washing down her throat taking the last sparks of attraction with it.

She just now remembered so exactly. And she remembered so many more of such fleeting moments had been gripping her over the years. Then she remembered Friday evening and it fell like scales off her eyes. It wasn't like Eli had not been one of the best observers she had ever come across.

They'd been slouching on the couch, watching re-runs of a science-fiction show Sofia had a very well-known weakness for. Having had sex had brought one more benefit with it. Eli was almost completely unafraid again to be as touchy-feely with Sofia as she'd been in past times. So they had ended up more or less cuddled together on the large sofa, occasionally sipping from their Earl Grey teas Eli had insisted on making some for both of them after Captain Jean-Luc Picard had prompted his first: 'Earl Grey, hot.' from the Enterprise's replicator. They had argued about what Romulan Ale would taste like, pretty bad judging by its obnoxious colour had been Eli's stance whereas Sofia scoffed she'd definitely try it, since it was obviously a very potent drink, if she remembered one of the classic episodes correctly, where one Scottish engineer who was usually known to hold his liquor quite well had gotten terribly drunk on it. Tea had been exchanged for beers and after the fourth episode in a row, they'd gotten a little sleepy, but too enraptured to call it a night.

Eli had shifted beside Sofia so the blonde had ended up with her head on the upper part of Eli's stomach and her hip nestled in between Eli's legs. Not that that hadn't been a perfectly comfortable position. At any other time in their lives but merely days after she'd rediscovered her attraction for her best friend. She'd tried to lay still. Very still. But Eli's stomach raise and fell beneath her head with every breath, her rumbling laughter reverberated through her body as did the low tone of Eli's husky voice, she'd smoked inside the whole evening, it stormed outside and they'd been practically glued to the couch for hours now, apart from short trips to the kitchen or the bathroom, and began sending tingles down her spine. And adding to that her shirt had ridden up due to Eli wriggling down the couch, so the bare skin of her hip were in direct contact with the seams at the crotch of Eli's jeans. And the woman radiated heat. So she'd felt her breath quicken first, closely followed by her heartbeat. Within moments she became hyper-aware of everything Eli. The familiar smell of her cleaning detergent and fabric softener that found its way to Sofia's nose from Eli's worn thin Batman shirt. The rippling of muscles beneath her jaw when Eli chuckled. The hand that had come to a rest at her waist. The mixture of faint cigarette smoke, beer and a hint of bergamot oil from the tea on Eli's breath when she lifted her head to listen when Eli commented a scene or a character.

She didn't notice when her own fingers started drawing lazy circles on Eli's thigh. She didn't notice when she sighed as she placed her head back on Eli's stomach. She didn't notice the faint moan that escaped her in unconscious disappointment when Eli's hand abandoned her waist and settled on the backrest of the sofa, nor how her breathing had constantly grown louder or that she'd snuggled tighter against Eli when Counselour Troy and Commander Riker kissed on screen. She simply hadn't noticed, but she remembered all the more vividly now that just minutes after that, Eli had yawned loudly and declared that it was finally time for bed, at least for her. She remembered her own pout as Eli extricated herself from her position between Sofia and the soft leather. She remembered the look on Eli's face. The frown that could easily be mistaken for fatigue. Her suddenly stiff body language. The hint of fear and irritation that glimmered in otherwise very guarded eyes.

And that one sentence ricochet inside her skull, bouncing off, slinging back and forth without a rest. Again and again.

_'Don't you dare fall for me again, Curtis.'_

So she had to get out. She had to get this back under control. And she really, really had to think about the past. Had she cheated herself all this time?

So she dressed in a hurry, hopeful to be able to leave the loft before Eli returned, checked her mails and saved some numbers in her cell and threw it into her purse, pinned a note to the refrigerator door saying she was shopping and as she crossed the street there was thankfully still no sign of Eli.

Deciding that at first she needed to get her mind completely off the topic, she used the time to survey apartments. She didn't know San Francisco even remotely good enough to decide about a neighbourhood, so she went practical. Close to the station, one bedroom, preferably with a parking spot, a tub was a necessity but a balcony optional. With her new salary as chief of her own Department she could afford to be picky and not make too much of a compromise. So she called a couple of the real estate agents she'd contacted before and three flats could be shown to her early in the afternoon. After two utter disappointments, she found herself in a quiet side street for the third appointment, just a couple of blocks away from the Hall of Justice. She'd been told by the agent that the other tenant's in this building were well-situated, but not snobby folks, some even worked in law enforcement. She'd be shown the second smallest flat in the old building, one bedroom, windows to the quiet backyard, a large living room with an open kitchen and an eating area, a spacious bathroom with a shower and a tub and a reasonably sized foyer. No balcony but there was a small and beautiful garden in the backyard. The building was newly renovated and generally well-maintained, the apartment smelled of fresh paint and wood, the floorboards freshly honed and sealed. It was perfect. It was a bit on the expensive side, but knowing what kind of hours awaited her, she'd rather spent more on rent to have a beautiful and relaxing home waiting for her after work than saving money and driving half-way across town after a thirteen hour shift.

The deal was made and an hour later, sitting in a nice little coffee shop just around the corner from her new residence, Sofia was already on the phone with the movers where she'd storaged her furniture and boxes until she knew where they'd be transported to and when. Only when she put the phone down and took a sip from her now lukewarm coffee did the day catch up with her again.

* * *

><p>Eli swore and hit the puching bag again. Hard, with her left hand. Upper cut. Cross. Upper cut. Fully fledged, all her weight put behind, desperate last direct punch.<p>

Fuck!

Drops of sweat had gotten into her eyes and they burned, her right hand, though she'd gotten easy on it, barely used it, hurt almost as much as immediately after she'd hit the wall again. Her muscle shirt clung to her body and she knew she'd be sore as hell come tomorrow.

Damn Haley for planting those thoughts into her head. All of this was just plain ridiculous. And too much. It was still all just too much.

She'd just started to somehow manage to get through her days without getting wasted, she'd just begun to deal with the pain, she'd just started to even let go of some of it, due to the talk she'd had with Sofia about Sara during those desperate moments. She'd just learned to really cry about it. To let it out, finally. She'd begged for forgiveness for mistakes she had and hadn't done, in the solitude of her bedroom, had spent hours arguing with Sara in her head. Why did she have to stand in front of Grissom, why had she taken the time to reach for her gun, why did she have to have hit by so many bullets, why couldn't the damn doctors save her, why had she left Eli alone. Alone and completely incapable of dealing with losing her. But that was exactly what it was. Dealing with it. Facing it. Not running away.

Sofia had been right, she was starting to feel better. She'd found her smile again, her laughter, even if it was just for a minute here and there. She'd started talking, she'd shared a lot of stories, memories really, with Sofia over the past few days. Good ones. But also bad ones. Moments when Sara had made her angry, how she could tick her off sometimes with her quirks, her meticulousness.

_"Lilith!"_

_Eli groaned. Sara had made it a habit to call her by her mother's favourite nickname, avoiding the even worse 'Elizabeth' when she was about to chastise her about something._

_"What is it, love?"_

_"It's okay for you that we wash our clothes together and not separately, isn't it?"_

_Eli frowned. What kind of question was that?_

_"Of course. Fuller loads, less fuzz."_

_"Then why do you keep washing socks and underwear together? You know I hate that. You're not washing them hot so they won't shrink and washing them in one load at a lower temperature isn't exactly very hygienic. And your infabulous boxers are all darker colours whereas my underwear doesn't only consist of greys, blues and black."_

_"God, Sara!" Eli exclaimed. _

_"No, not this time. This time I'm really pissed."_

_Sara's voice grew louder as she advanced on the couch, where Eli had been reading an old Calvin and Hobbes comic. Just in time Eli looked up as a bra was dangling off Sara's fingers, right in front of her nose._

_"You remember this?" She asked, anger darkening her voice._

_Eli first nodded with a slight smirk, than frowned as she pushed her glasses up her nose and inspected the garment a little closer._

_"Is that the-"_

_"That WAS the once cream-coloured, silk balconett LA PERLA bra you gave to me on our last trip to Frisco. Now it's got the colour of a Golden Retriever after a walk in the rain and a mudbath. And it's linty. It's ruined!"_

_Eli gawked at Sara. There was no better way to describe it, she gawked. Then she burst out into laughter, consequently fueling Sara's anger._

_"What the hell is so funny about that?"_

_Trying to catch her breath without starting to hiccup, Eli chanced a glance up at her girlfriend, whose brows furrowed and eyes narrowed dangerously._

_"Love, I'm so sorry, but this is hilarious, it really is and I don't try to be mean or anything, it's just that-" The chuckles returned and Eli hurried to compose herself. "When we got together, all you ever wore were either sports bras for work or relatively modest and still utilitarian cotton bras in various colours, all nice, but nothing special. I know that you had exactly three sets of matching underwear and when you do decide to treat yourself, you certainly have a very fine taste. But usually even underwear has to fulfill its purpose as a top priority. So let me laugh just a little that you go ballistic on me because of a discoloured bra. It's adorable, Sar."_

_Pouting. That was Sara's universal weapon. Eli couldn't stand to see her pout. She only resorted to this rather childish behaviour extremely rarely, but the effect was immediate. But nothing like expected._

_"Really? You're doing that pouty lower lip thing? I already called you adorable, what more do you want?"_

_Eli grinned at the immediate return of the Sidle death glare._

_"Okay, okay, I relent. I hereby solemnly swear that I won't start loads in the wee morning hours, just stuffing everything I consider fit to be washed at the same temperature into the washing machine, but I will make sure that I'm alert and sort by colours, temperature and hygiene factor. And I'm quite sure I still have one of those bra bags lying around in one of my drawers. I also will replace the victim of my carelessness with a new one. Your choice. From five dollar sale bra that you have to have because it's burgundy to whatever you really fancy but never dared spending as much on."_

_Sara finally smiled, but shook her head._

_"You're unbelievable. You know it's not because it's La Perla and was expensive. It's about when you gave it to me and certainly what we did afterwards. I always remembered when I wore it. Forget it, I'm not throwing it away. I'm gonna get some dark fabric dye and apply it on the whole set. I'm not giving up on you, you just look too good on me."_

_Eli's jaw dropped as Sara held the mistreated garment up and talked to it._

_"You're loco, Sar. In a really weird, very sexy way, but loco nonetheless..." And as an afterthought. "Oh yeah, and it does look incredible on you."_

Those bloody snippets, those moments she remembered, those that mixed the love and the crazy and the day to day routines and everything about them that made it so, so hard to move on, to see a future where she could laugh again and do a job properly again and live a normal life again.

Wasn't it hard enough as it is? Why did Haley have to go and point out what Eli herself, in her current state, would never have noticed?

She wouldn't have noticed. She wouldn't have found it suspicious that they cuddled up on the couch again, wouldn't have noticed that Sofia reveled in their closeness, wouldn't have reacted so overly sensitive to Sofia's every sound and movement. Eli was looking for clues and confirmation, and she found them, constantly, everything about what they did together was about waiting for Sofia to really slip, to find some indication of any kind of action she wouldn't have made at any point in their friendship. They'd been close, they had never thought about all those little touches, hugs, a calming hand on another, snuggling up on the couch, standing close to one another, a hand on the small of a back while a door was being held open, all those little love slaps and nudges. Now all those normal things suddenly shone in a completely different light. They flared blindingly like those neon signs in Vegas, driving down the Strip at night.

She just couldn't ignore them. All of a sudden they felt different, they felt wrong.

Knowing Sofia as well as she did, Eli knew that all Haley had guessed was right. She'd never say a thing. She'd bang her pretty head against the wall to make her feelings go away, she'd try and hide them in the deepest recesses of both her heart and her mind, Sofia would never admit them and make Eli's life even harder. But it was too late. Without her knowing, the secret was already out. And unfortunately there seemed to be nothing that Eli could do to ignore how uncomfortably aware she was of the difference.

Eli ran her towel over her face, scrubbed the sweat off and flung it back on the bench.

They were too close.

Another series of punches hit the bag.

Sofia's hand on her thigh, fingertips grazing the fabric in lazy, unconscious movements.

Punch, cross, cross.

Sofia on top of her, throwing her head back, coming.

Punch. Harder, faster, more violent, her knuckles burned.

Sofia comforting her, calming her. Always knowing what to say.

Punch, so tired...

Sofia looking at her, trustingly, lovingly.

Eli finally kicked the punching bag and it swung wildly back and forth.

Her own mind the few minutes after their sex. Blissfully blank, her body light, her hunger for physical closeness sated, her thoughts not as heavy.

It would be so easy to feel like that again. She wanted to feel like that again.

Eli slipped the gloves off and carefully removed the tape. Swollen, red, bruised knuckles.

Why could nothing in her life ever be easy?


	15. What we know and what we think of

**For all who've been waiting, here's the next chapter. **

**Reviews would be greatly appraciated, I know the interest in this fandom has been dwindling over the past three years and there's barely any femslash around anymore. And despite this being so far out of canon, I somehow still seem to have captured the interest of at least a few, so I'm really interested in your opinions and if you'd even after this story will have come to a close want to read more of it, more with Eli in it or if there's generally any interest left in CSI femslash, whatever pairing you prefer... Just tell me. I don'T think I can stop writing it anytime soon, but I could as well listen to what would be of interest to you, readers, huh? So speak up!**

**All thanks will come at the very end of this journey. :)  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>15. What we know and what we think of<strong>

So maybe it just couldn't be easy. But then she didn't have to let complicated ruin the good.

The only good she could find in her life right now. And that obviously was Sofia's presence.

So Eli chose to swallow her pride and swallow her insecurities on how to handle the situation. Because there was no situation. As far as Sofia was concerned, Eli didn't know a thing about her feelings. So Eli would act exactly that way. Would ignore the signs she was now able to see. Would watch Sofia struggle, not to gloat, but to keep a close eye on how well she was able to hide her emotions.

She had helped so much. Not even two whole weeks were left before the blonde had to go her own way anyway, wherever that leads her, they still hadn't talked about that particular subject. There had been things way more important. They'd make it through this time. Without ignoring each other. She'd just let the pink elephant sit in the corner of the room, feed it from time to time so it wouldn't become too impatient.

After that, who knew when they'd see each other again? There'd be mails and phone calls, checking up on each other, sharing bits and pieces of their lives, maintaining the friendship as it had come to be revived and eventually this would all just fade in time.

So when Eli returned home from the gym, she found the loft empty and Sofia's note on the fridge. Of course. Three days of silence would make anyone feel the need for a little space, a little time off. But she'd make it up to her friend.

Eli gathered her gym bag she'd just carelessly dropped on her way to the kitchen and made her way to her room. Wet clothes and towel flew into the hamper, damp boxing shoes were deposited beside the window tilted halfway open to dry there.

Only when Eli stood naked in her master bath did she realise that what she'd done in the gym really hadn't been the best of ideas she'd had lately. Her back burned like hell and she was glad she hadn't used the showers in the changing rooms there, but could stand under her own very clean one. The slight scab that had already built up on her back had been soaked and sweated off, scraped off by the movement of her clothes against her skin during her relentless attack of the punching bag. It felt raw and in desperate need of some disinfecting ointment so it wouldn't become inflamed. She chose a moderate temperature and carefully cleaned herself with a neutral shower gel.

How the fuck was she supposed to reach some places without help?

Her next look was directed at her hands. The left one was just a little red and while flexing she felt a dull, but insignificant pain. It'd be fine in a couple of hours. But her right was already swelling once again.

Eli had always been letting out anger and frustration and helplessness in some physical way. As a kid she'd kicked her bed frame (resulting in a broken toe and six weeks without being able to play soccer), had banged doors (once she broke an ornamented wall-door and there was no pocket money for months), threw stuff through her room (on a particularly berserk prepubescent raging fit she'd slung her remote across the room and directly into her stereo and it took her the whole summer holidays working in Miss Robbins little convenience store to be able to pay for replacing it. Her parents never excused her behaviour, thank goodness, they let her simmer in her own juices). Or simply went to the soccer field or tennis courts and played till she could only barely make it home. Then finally, in High School, there was a gym at her disposal. The raw physicality years of training had given Eli both in appearance and mind-set had always reeled people in. Even guys, there was this one very persistent football jock in Senior High that should have been going after a cheerleader but all he wanted was wrestle and then fuck with the tomboy that was Captain of the girls' soccer team. Eli had punched him square in the face and broke his nose, in just her sports bra and boy shorts as she caught him spying on her in the girl's changing rooms one evening after training. He'd had the audacity to rub himself through his shorts while peeking through a window left ajar.

This particular memory made Eli chuckle and she stared at her right hand. After that particular punch it had looked pretty similar to what it did right now.

She dried herself off and treated all parts of her back she could reach with salve and then bandaged her hand yet again. Poorly, in comparison to the job Sofia had done the last time.

Walking into her kitchen, still naked from the waist up, she grinned to herself as she wasn't even tempted to grab a beer out of the fridge, but instead went for passion fruit juice. Her stomach wouldn't have been able to deal with the sour beverage a week ago. Now all it did was refresh her and leave just the faintest hint of heartburn, but she ignored it and instead savoured the delicious taste.

In favour of her still burning back she chose a worn-soft tee and an old hoodie and finally got dressed.

Then Eli did what she'd always done best when stressed or attempting to apologise for something. She went food shopping and started cooking.

She hadn't done something this elaborate in ages. As she unpacked the bags and familiarised herself with the posh ingredients once again, sleeves pushed up over her elbows and the stereo filling the room with melodious indie rock, a permanent smile seemed to have suddenly been plastered on her face. She had missed this. Cooking. She wielded the knife with ingrained ease, blanched, cut, chopped, sieved, beat, sauteed until beads of sweat collected on her forehead and the courses took form bit by bit.

She set the table, retrieved the wine cooler from the depths of a store cupboard, warmed plates for the main course, set the desert into the freezer to set. When all preparations had been done, she went to take another shower and slip into something a bit more formal than her usual attire these days.

Then she did grab a beer out of the freezer and waited for Sofia to come back.

* * *

><p>Sofia had made up her mind. She'd go back to the loft and confront Eli about the last couple of days. She had to know whether Eli really suspected something. She smelled someone cooking in the lift already and instinctively knew that it was Eli's work.<p>

When she stepped over the threshold and her glance fell onto the table and Eli in a black button down, charcoal slacks and fine leather loafers, she knew her plan had already gone out the window. This was Eli's way to make it up to her. To apologise.

And yet...

If didn't Sofia know better, this could as well be a date. The living room looked like taken out of some romantic movie, the multitude of cutlery told Sofia Eli had gone all out with the dinner and seeing her dressed up as she was made her heart flutter in the most inconvenient way.

She clamped down on it and let the anger she'd felt reign her thoughts.

"Hey." The low timbre reached her ears and inwardly she shivered. No! This wasn't the time nor the place. It would never be. She'd just listen. But she wasn't going to go down easily.

"So, you're talking to me again?" She quipped back, making sure the anger was audible in her tone.

Eli approached her.

"I am sorry, Fia."

She clenched her teeth, and averted her eyes, not able to stand the look of sincerity in Eli's eyes.

"Please, look at me."

Gently fingers pushed her chin up and her eyes met dark brown ones staring intently at her.

"Look, I don't really know what came over me those last few days. I just knew I needed some time for myself, to think. I didn't mean to completely ignore you, it just happened along the way. I know you came here for a reason and you have helped so much already. It was unfair to leave you out just because I was hurting more than before again. I ran again, from myself, from you, from my feelings."

Sofia lowered her head again, not able to meet Eli's eyes no more.

So maybe she wasn't suspecting anything after all. Maybe it really was just an emotional relapse. And that was bound to be happening at one point or another. It had almost been a too smooth ride so far.

"Come, sit. I took the liberty to buy a bottle of wine, just this once. It goes perfectly with the food."

Sofia just numbly nodded and sank into the chair Eli had pulled out for her.

The food was amazing. 4 courses plus dessert. She was in heaven. It would be so easy to play pretend. Eli was charming and witty and all evening it felt like the last three days had never happened. This was another reason she now knew why it was she was falling so hard for her friend. Other people bought flowers and got the apology over with, Eli cooked, attended to her, charmed her, made her feel like the only person in the world and nothing else was of any concern. Was this what it'd be like to be _with _Eli?

They talked about everything and nothing, never breaching any subject that could possibly ruin the atmosphere.

Eli cleaned the table and as she sat an espresso down in front of Sofia, her questioning eyes stilled on the blonde.

"Are we okay, Fia? Because I don't want to fight with you and I surely don't wanna play the silent game. But I've been withdrawn and you've been a little tense those last few days, too and I want nothing less than to spoil what little time is left before you'll have to leave. I'm beyond thankful for everything you made possible. I don't want to lose that."

There was a pull, a pull Sofia could not ignore. She got up and took Eli's face in both her hands.

"Honey, I'm fine when you're fine. I hate to see you hurt, I hated it all along. And having seen you improve and then relapse like that, it did hurt, too. I know all of this won't be over in a matter of days or even weeks, but it was so good to see you laugh, even to see you cry because it means you deal, it was amazing to have seen you let go, if only for the briefest moment. I'd give a lot to see you that free more often." She knew Eli would know exactly what moment she was referring to and hopefully would not take it the wrong way.

The urge to kiss Eli was strong, but not stronger than her self-restraint and the thoughts of her now so very fragile heart. So she treated herself to nothing more but her fingertips on Eli's cheeks, running over them softly before letting go.

Eli stood dumbfounded. Though she tried not to acknowledge it, the touch of Sofia's hand burned like fire on her skin. And she was sure, had she not been made aware and then become aware of the extent of Sofia's feelings towards her, she'd taken the bull by the horns. She'd asked Sofia for that moment of oblivion in her arms, hell, between her legs again.

There were so many feelings unresolved in her heart, still. She wanted to cry in someone's lap, latch on to real flesh and bone, she wanted to be held, she wanted to fuck, to fuck and forget, to feel something else but this permanent undertone of misery still ruling her mind, her soul, her heart. She wanted to fall into the cushions, sweating, sated, numbed, utterly exhausted and sleep without dreams, fall asleep without weighing things on her mind for hours and hours until fatigue finally won.

And she wanted no one else to provide all that for her but Sofia. She was the only one she could trust herself with.

She came back to reality, realising she was still staring into Sofia's blue eyes, blindly, silently, for too long. She cleared her throat hastily.

"We're fine. I know I hurt you and you know this is the best form of offering my apologies I do have in me. Let's not wallow on the last days. Don't expect me to be all too good-spirited anytime soon though. I have some things to think over. I won't always immediately share, but I do value your opinion and insights, I'll come to you when I feel I'm ready, okay? These past weeks have been intense. Give me a little room to draw some conclusions, okay?"

Sofia told herself she hadn't seen the minute flash of desire, of hunger that had gone through Eli's eyes. Because she knew it hadn't been directed at her. Eli had been too far gone, who knew what she'd been thinking about.

They sat down again and drank their coffees in amicable silence, this time neither of them felt the need to fill the quiet now surrounding them so much more peacefully - the music long having ended - with words that held no significance tonight anymore.

* * *

><p>The Harley Davidson roar made Sofia chuckle despite her anxiousness.<p>

"Pretty neat!" She grinned, walking towards the small raven-haired woman that smiled at her with equal amounts of surprise and something akin to a very deep understanding in her eyes.

"So you came back." Haley stated, taking in Sofia's appearance more closely than the last time they'd met.

The shapely blond held herself quite straight, yet not artificially so, it seemed ingrained in her poise. Keen blue eyes darted about the room, taking in all details, scanning like she'd seen so many times in Eli's glance. That had to be a cop-thing. Sofia was a beautiful woman, that much had been clear at first sight. But there was more to her but her figure or her long blonde hair or that subtle swagger in her walk. Sofia filled the air surrounding her with an innate confidence, an energy of knowledge and command and superiority without making her counterpart feeling inadequate. Haley thought her to be a great leader, smart and rarely challenged by someone when it came to her skills and field, sure of her strengths and aware of her weaknesses, always working on how to eliminate them. But she felt a lot of empathy and emotional warmth radiate from the blonde. There sure were hard edges and tough lines, but also a softness in her eyes that made her appear almost universally understanding.

It was no wonder Eli trusted her. No wonder what might have initially attracted Eli to Sofia. Why they seemed to function so flawlessly together. Why Sofia had managed to break down the walls? She just had what it took. And so much more.

"It appears I couldn't bring myself to stay away." Sofia smiled still, but a flash insecurity flittered through her eyes that unsettled Haley. This was going to be a piece of work.

"And I say that is a very good thing. I've prepared something and I'd like you to honestly tell me whether you like it or not. Nothing has to happen today. You like it, good, then I'll let you take your time to decide whether you really want this or not. If you don't like it, we'll work on it together. Sounds good enough for you?"

Sofia wrung her hands and her smile became more forced.

"Sounds like a plan."

Haley knew her sentence hadn't been necessary. As much as Sofia might wonder why she'd come back here, she'd go through with it. As long as she liked the design, she'd leave the tattoo parlour a bit more colourful.

She rummaged through her sketches and finally found what she'd been looking for. But she didn't hand it over immediately. Haley bit her lip and pretending cluelessness for a moment longer, she asked innocently.

"Where's Eli? I thought you'd bring her to make good of her word to hold your hand should you decide today's the day."

The frown on Sofia's face was telling.

"I kinda- I think-" She took a deep breath and started again. "I need to do this alone. Though the idea might have been Eli's, I'm going to do this for myself."

"Okay. You and me it is!" Haley answered chipper.

Still bent over her desk, a knowing smile flashed over Haley's face before she composed herself and turned around. She handed the page to Sofia, who took it and immediately gasped.

"Wow, I mean, I said this before about Eli's back, but this is amazing." She breathed.

"You really think so?"

"Oh yes, I do, it almost looks like a photograph, it's beautiful."

"Well it wasn't my idea, I just brought it to paper. And I will bring it to skin, judging by your look. Are you really sure, Sofia? I don't want you doing this for the wrong reasons."

Sofia was lost in staring at the beautiful lilies and slow to register Haley's words.

"Right, it was Eli's idea, like I said before. But yes, Haley, I want this. And there are no wrong reasons when-" She paused, her breath hitched by what she'd almost admitted to the younger woman.

But Haley's hand descended on hers holding the sketch, in a pretty tight, serious, but comforting grip.

"Hey, no need to censor yourself. Not here, please. I already know, Sofia. It was written all over you the last time you were here. Let's get you prepared. We'll have about three hours to talk, if you'd like that, that is. I've known Eli for a pretty long time and since you seem to be the most important person in her life nowadays, I'd really get to know you. I didn't have that chance with Sara. But I have it now with you."

She let go of Sofia's wrist and left her hand outstretched.

"Let's do this the right way. I'm Haley Marie Donovan. So good to meet you, Lt. Sofia..."

Sofia took the offered hand, her mouth still hanging open at Haley's surprising insights.

"It's Curtis. Sofia Curtis. Forget about the Lieutenant. And likewise." She muttered weakly.

"Great! Now, come on. And close your mouth and get over it. You're an open book. At least for me."

Sofia lay silently on her back while Haley prepared the spot on her stomach.

"What gave me away?" She asked suddenly, pretty uncomfortable with the thought that if someone who had been a total stranger to her could see her attraction to Eli, what would Eli herself be able to see, knowing her for as long and good as she did.

"First of all, your eyes. And then... just about everything about you. But oh-" Haley looked up and the scared look on Sofia's face registered. "Don't you worry too much. I've always been able to tell such things. Sometimes even when the people hadn't even admitted it to themselves yet. I just see, know. I feel it somehow. But you're two steps further along the road already. You know what this is and how to handle it. You've made your decision, haven't you?"

Sofia huffed. "I hate it."

Haley pulled foil over the tattoo machine, then prepared the small plastic cups with the colours she needed.

"This is actually quite interesting. I didn't look at much more than the tattoo itself last time."

Breaking the needles out of their wrapper, Haley laughed out loud.

"No distracting, enticing expanse of naked skin but you're own to ogle today, Lieutenant. "

Sofia nodded, but scowled and Haley snickered on until she almost hiccupped.

"I am sorry, Sofia, it was just too tempting. Because your eyes didn't stay on the tat all the time. They wandered everywhere. And yes, Eli has a fine ass. World class nutcrackin' butt cheeks, damn!"

The buzzing of the tattoo machine and Haley's instant concentration smoothed over Sofia's furious blush.

"Are you always this blunt?"

"My best and my worst quality in one, that's what almost everyone says. Yes. Always expect me to speak my mind. I have a mental filter but usually I decide not to use it, it saves a lot of time and problems to be that direct and honest most of the time, you wouldn't believe."

All was set now and suddenly Sofia got the jitters. The blue lines of the copied sketch on her stomach looked nothing like Haley's drawing. What if it'd go wrong? What if she noticed she didn't want this after a couple of weeks? What if- What the fuck! It was beautiful on paper. It would be beautiful on her. So much had changed in her life; she might as well wear a tattoo on her skin. No one but her would see it anytime soon.

"Are you okay? It's not too late, you know? You've gotta be sure. I thought you were."

Sofia closed her eyes for a second before opening them again and staring straight back at Haley.

"I am. Just a little cold feet. I mean, since this is gonna be for forever. But yes, I trust your skill, I trust Eli's decision."

"So you are doing this for her after all." Haley's eyes became clouded and she furrowed her brow, she rarely took intentions wrong, and she was about to put the machine down.

"No, that's not how I meant it. I meant that the lilies were her idea and I love it. I'm doing this for myself. I WANT a reminder of this. Whatever's going or not going to happen, I don't ever wanna forget this."

"Good. Lie back and try to relax. Let's bring this picture to life."

The feeling was strange. It did hurt, but not in the way Sofia had imagined, but duller and yet intense enough to make her grit her teeth from time to time. She didn't really dare look.

Haley didn't speak much, but urged her to tell her about herself. About how she met Eli. What Sara was like, from her point of view. And Sofia talked. She'd already talked so much over the past weeks, but rarely about herself, but even the questions Haley asked about other people, she somehow kept in relation to Sofia. The blonde hadn't revealed that much about herself to anyone but Eli in a long time. And it felt good. It felt good to tell someone how afraid she'd been for Eli. How worried. How she'd thought she'd lost their friendship for good. How Leonard had implied that she'd be the only one with a remote chance to get through to Eli.

Haley was colouring larger expanses now and the more the pain intensified, the more Sofia had said, the lighter, the more relaxed she felt.

"How about a little break? I'm about two thirds done and I'd suggest you drink something. You've been talking a lot and your muscles start quivering, that's not too good."

Sofia sighed and dared to chance a look. The blossoms were done and they looked incredible. Haley wiped the excess colour and a little blood away with a paper tissue and Sofia was simply stunned.

"Soda?"

Sofia still eyed her stomach.

"Amazing. It's- yeah, something with a little sugar in it would be great. Beautiful."

Haley snapped the latex gloves off and grinned.

"Told ya. Sugary cold goodness coming right up."

Sipping their drinks, Haley finally spoke up.

"I want to tell you something and I'd like you to just listen, Sofia. This is what I have been seeing. It is not absolute or anything, but like I said, I'm rarely wrong in reading people."

Sofia nodded and frowned a bit, tried to sit a little straighter but flexing her stomach muscles made her flinch.

"What I saw in you won't go away. You're not just attracted to Eli, though of course it's obvious you think she's dead sexy. You love her, don't you? The 'I wanna be with you no matter what a jackass you can be at times, I wanna wake up in your arms and fall asleep in them, you're the best thing that ever happened to me'-way. True?"

Why did she constantly have to blush? And Sofia blushed hard. It was all the answer Haley needed.

"You know what I think? Don't push the thought too far away. Because that's what you're trying right now. Clamp down on your feelings and just be the friend Eli needs. I'm not saying it's wrong. At the moment. But don't think you're completely out of a chance. I think you are not. It will take time. How much I don't know. And it will take something in Eli to shift profoundly. To see beyond her grief and doubt and guilt. Because that is what I saw in Eli's eyes. There was a split second of such adoration, such intense feeling and then there was guilt. But give it some time. She'll come around. Eli can be incredibly dense and stubborn, but letting you get away because of false guilt and shame and that thick head of hers would be the biggest mistake she could make. And Eli might be a lot of things, but in the end, she is not stupid. She'll see clearly one day. And when she does, God, can you videotape that first sex for me, please?" Haley turned beetroot red and swallowed hard. "Oh my, I'm sorry, that sounded way more pervy than it should've. I mean, you two, guys, I mean, you're hot and you're both kinda bossy and vibrant and tough and - How did I get myself into this? And you've already... I mean it's gonna be epic. And I shouldn't plant those pictures in your head and I'm overstepping so much right now. UUngghhh!"

Haley stuck out her tongue and started motioning brushing the words off it with her hand.

Sofia had fought hard to keep a straight and disapproving face, but now she faltered and cracked up with laughter.

"Hey, it's okay... Though, no sex tape for you. But if you really wanna know, the very first time was kinda epic, yes."

"You guys had sex _more than once already_?"

Eli had kept that tiny little _insignificant_ fact from Haley on purpose.

"Actually, yes. Twice. The first time was years ago and more about tension and comfort, pretty much like this time around, but Eli was different then."

Haley grinned and still looked slightly flushed. She peered at Sofia sheepishly.

" I think I almost hooked up with her once, but I really can't remember anymore. I remember kissing her. Vividly. Gawd, that woman can kiss. Too much Tequila. And beer. And dop-ooops. Yeah, that was then."

"It's okay, I won't take out the cuffs because you had a couple of spliffs when you were younger. Or even today. But you could explain why I'm telling you about me and Eli having sex? What is in that ink? Some kind of truth serum?"

Haley smirked and waggled her brows.

"I tend to have that effect on people."

"Oh, really, you do? I didn't notice."

They both laughed and Sofia emptied her soda and set it down on the glass table with a clank.

"I think I'm ready for the rest."

Haley stretched and cracked the knuckles of her fingers excessively.

"Good. Just, Sofia?"

"Yeah?"

"Be true to yourself. You still have a life and you oughta live it. Go out, have fun. Show her who you are and can be. But don't forget about yourself. Who knows how long it might take or if I'm even right. I claim to be and I often am, but still... Don't make it all dependent on Eli."

When Sofia got back to the loft, Eli was cleaning. In baggy cotton pants and wife beater. Loud music was blaring through the loft, almost drowning out the sound of the vacuum cleaner, all windows were wide open and the cool breeze of an early summer evening wafted through the room. Eli sang along and looked amazingly self-balanced.

Sofia allowed the thought of how much she'd love to come home to this on a regular basis, to have this and be able to call it her life to linger for just a minute. Or two.

Then she straightened and sneaked up on her friend, who was now busy wiping the dinner table.

"Hey, I'm back!" She chimed as she'd almost reached Eli.

The brunette flinched and whipped around.

"Don't you dare do that again Curtis. I was about ready to punch you!"

Sofia pouted. "No punching the guest, please. What would you say if we went out on the weekend? I think we deserve some fun, don't we? Those past days were kinda- not so much fun and I feel like dancing and a couple of drinks. You in?"

Frowning, Eli scrutinised Sofia curiously.

"Why, someone's in a good mood today!"

"I actually am. And we really need to get out. I can't be in Frisco and not have a go at the club scene but for one night that I'd rather not recall to closely, huh?"

Eli pursed her lips and smiled.

"You've got an argument there. And I know just the place. One I didn't stalk during those months. I'd hate to have people all over me at the moment, to be honest. I kept this one bar sacred. You'll love it."

* * *

><p><strong>More soonish. Not gonna keep you hanging long this time.<strong>


	16. In the cold light of morning

**16. In the cold light of morning**

Eli had watched the beautiful and young brunette flirt with Sofia throughout the whole night. They seemed to get along splendidly, talking avidly, laughing, sharing the occasional touch that said 'I'd really like to get closer to you', and they didn't go easy on the drinks either.

She should be happy Sofia was so obviously enjoying herself. She should be glad that the blonde wasn't too hung up on her to not be able to find a little fun elsewhere, when she couldn't have what she according to Haley really, honestly desired.

The moment she saw them dance together, she knew exactly what Sofia would be doing, or rather whom she would be doing later.

The moment the brunette's lips latched on to Sofia's neck and she observed the way the blonde tipped her head to the side to offer those lips more skin to kiss, she ordered a double bourbon. The first in weeks now.

The moment they shared their first kiss, Eli could barely remain in her seat.

But knowing she had absolutely no right to feel so possessive of her friend, she let that curious green Gentleman that suddenly took a hold of her thoughts just walk by and downed her whiskey in one go. It wasn't her place and she hated what she was so evidently feeling. She shouldn't be feeling that. She should be happy for her friend.

Time to leave.

But since they'd arrived together, she felt it was just appropriate to let Sofia know that she intended to go home. The moment the young woman disappeared into the direction of the restrooms and Sofia went over to the bar seemed like the perfect opportunity.

Coming up from behind, she lowered her head to talk close to Sofia's ear.

"Fia."

Sofia jumped a bit and whipped around to face her friend.

"Eli."

Eli grinned inwardly at the light blush that immediately made its way into Sofia's cheeks.

'Got you!' She thought to herself. 'You'd so rather do me than that chick.'

"I'm going to leave, I'm beat and done for the night. Be safe, okay?" She tried to sound as nonchalant as she could manage and she knew neither her eyes nor her expression would show any signs of the discomfort she felt and she mentally patted herself on the shoulder for being able to pull that off. Years and years of hiding her feelings and her job as a cop and Detective had taught her how to maintain a cool facade even when she almost boiled inside.

Sofia blinked and nodded slowly. For a second there Eli thought she'd seen a glimmer of disappointment in the blondes darkened blue eyes, but either she'd imagined it or Sofia had a poker face just as good as her own.

Upping the ante, she leaned closer and whispered.

"Have fun, Sophie, god knows you deserve it. See you tomorrow."

Without waiting for any kind of answer, Eli pecked her friend on the cheek with a smile, turned and made her way through the crowd and out of the bar.

Walking down the darkened streets, meandering on the sidewalk to avoid the drunks and the cheering youngsters, she buried her hands deep in her pockets and wondered about that slight pang of jealousy that had so very definitely taken possession of her inside the club.

Eli knew that the lines along she was thinking this very moment were so unfair towards Sofia. The blonde was so very obviously in love with her and all Eli wanted was to fuck her. She cringed at her own thoughts sounding so crude, but that was basically what it was. Sofia was the only person Eli'd trust herself with. The only one she'd invite into her bed. The only one she could imagine sharing intimacy with. If only things were different. If only they could be like that, friends with benefits.

That still somehow didn't explain why it actually hurt a bit to see Sofia so blatantly hook up with someone else.

Again it was Haley's words that resounded in her head.

_Everyone needs hope in their lives, needs love. One day, you'll need it again, too. Let her be the hope you need now and maybe she'll become the love you'll need once you're not grieving that much anymore._

Eli couldn't imagine to ever love like that again. _Be_ with somebody again. More than friends, more than occasional fuck-buddies, more than experiencing that feeling when someone comes to mean as much as family to you, but the relationship remains platonic.

Those precious three words had so many different meanings.

'I love you.'

Just exactly how many people did Eli have in her life that she truly and honestly loved?

She loved her mother, though she'd distanced herself from motherly care since Sara's death, but still, she loved her dearly. She loved Roberta, like an aunt, part grandmother even. And there already it got difficult. Usually Leonard's name would've been next in line. And she did, she still loved him. Or did she only love what they had been? The picture she held on to so carefully? No, she still loved him. The only other person that came to mind, was left to be included into that elusive circle of real, honest love, was of course Sofia. So she could stand there and say it to her face, and the blonde would understand something completely different from what Eli would mean speaking those words. Or she would completely understand.

_I love you. _

_You are my best friend. You've been my saviour, in a way. You make me laugh, you aggravate me, you make me think, consider, you can make me cry and you dared me to be a bigger person. And I listened.__ You could hold me and I'd fight you off. You could hold me and I would sink into your arms like they were my only sanctuary. You made me feel alive again. You made me _feel_ again. _

Why did wanting to feel something again now come at such high a price?

Why did she have to fall in love with Eli all over again?

There was no future in that. It would rip them apart. Some day.

Eli had absolutely no intention to go home, she needed to think, to get away, but being way too drunk to drive, she didn't have any other chance to get to where she wanted to go but hailing for a cab.

As she pushed a couple of hundreds into the driver's hand and told him to drive her down to Santa Cruz, he didn't complain.

He was a nice guy, smart, an aspiring writer, well-educated and reticent. After a bit of small talk, the ride was a rather silent one.

Eli asked him to drive her up to a special spot and instructed him to get himself a coffee and a sandwich or something similar and pick her up again in an hour.

As she sat cross legged and looked out over the ocean, she did what she long had needed to do. She talked to Sara. And asked her for help. Yelled at her for having gotten herself shot. Again. For leaving her. Affirming her love over and over again until she had no more strength and she just let the tears flow. She'd done this so many times before, but doing it there, at the very place she was sitting, she felt closer to her love than ever.

Andrew, the cabbie returned after exactly one hour. Eli wasn't hard to spot from the small side road and as he sat down by her side and handed her a Styrofoam cup with steaming coffee and a couple of sugars and a stirrer, she wiped the moisture away from her face and accepted the hot beverage gladly.

"Would it be okay if I asked what has you so wound up?" He said with a calm and even voice that made clear that if Eli chose not to answer, he wouldn't say another word.

Eli sipped at the now sickly sweet black liquid and shivered.

"It's okay. Have you ever been in love, Andrew?"

He gave her a sideways glance and smiled melancholically.

"I think I have. But seeing you I don't know if it was all that serious."

Eli recognized the expression.

"Did he leave you?"

Andrew rose an eyebrow.

"Wow. And here I thought it wasn't _that_ obvious that I'm gay. But yeah, he left me. Couple of months ago. Still haven't found my equilibrium again."

"It's not obvious. But it's been my job to notice things about people, to see more than others do. So, how serious had it been?"

Andrew sipped at his own half empty cup and stared alongside Eli at the rolling waves.

"For me it was extremely serious. I thought I'd found my one. Guess I was wrong."

"I had that one. We were engaged, looking forward to getting married, last September."

Shifting uncomfortably, Andrew made a face and focused on Eli again.

"Why do I sense that something worse than a simple break-up happened?"

"I don't know, but you're right. Ten months ago, she got shot on the job. This place is where I spread some of her ashes."

Andrew paled and his hand rushed out to place itself comfortingly on Eli's shoulder, but he stopped himself before actually touching Eli's arm.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry."

Eli nodded. She couldn't for the life of her explain why she'd started telling all this to a total stranger, but it felt right, it felt good. She shivered again. It was good to give someone else but Sofia the opportunity to give her new insight.

Andrew saw the woman beside her that looked so utterly broken tremble and now his hand did descend onto her shoulder. She flinched a bit, but allowed the contact.

"Hey Eli, there's a diner a couple of miles down the road. Let's talk there, it's warm and it's got great pie. And more coffee. That is, if you'd like to talk some more."

Eli looked at the young man who smiled so tenderly at her and nodded.

"That's probably be a pretty good idea. And yeah, I think I'd really like to talk some more."

The imaginatively named 'Roadside' diner looked like taken right out of a David Lynch movie. The 'open' sign flickered on and off and steam rose out of one of the kitchen windows, billowing in the blue light of the early dawn. The doorbell was too loud and shrill, the place reeked of burnt bacon, bleach and stale coffee, the old diner tables looked scarily originally 60s and were just as worn down as the upholstery of both chairs and booths. For some reason the place was rather dimly lit and above the counter, close to the plastic cabinet that held the pies and cakes, a flycatcher dangled from the ceiling, swaying lightly in the heavy air moved by the slowly rotating red metal fan.

Andrew felt compelled to whisper, since this place really was a bit creepy and not a soul occupied the room.

"I feel like a private investigator in a really bad film noir, don't you think?"

Eli just nodded, but boldly walked towards a table off in a corner and sat, in cop manner, facing the door. Andrew took the seat opposite. The chair grated over the scuffed linoleum and finally the shadow of a person closed in.

"I almost wish I had my old service weapon with me. Or my spare."

Andrew's eyes grew wide but Eli couldn't elaborate as a dragon of an middle-aged woman appeared beside their table. She wore a ton of make-up on her face, but it still did not hide the dark circles under her eyes, nor the many wrinkles and bad skin underneath. Her mascara was too blue, the eye-shadow too green and her lipstick a screaming red. In combination with her orange and white-striped waitress uniform with a hem way too high for a woman of her age it made Eli want to turn on her heel and run. Her voice sounded as used-up as she looked as she asked them low and throaty for their orders.

They settled for coffee, not daring to test whether the health department had missed out on checking up on this place for as many years as Eli suspected.

Sipping their hot and surprisingly strong and fresh coffees, both slowly got used to the _special_ charm of the place. Eli didn't even hesitate to pull her pack of cigarettes out of her pocket and light up as she saw the waitress smoke at the far end of the counter.

She took a long drag and exhaled slowly, her fingers making rounds on the only slightly stained rim of her coffee cup, searching for the words. There were so damn many. And then they just spilled out and filled the space between them with their significance, Andrew knew right away.

"Losing her ripped me apart. I've been in love with her for almost half my life, we've known each other since college, but back then nothing ever happened and we lost track of the other for years. Then we met again and slowly we worked our way into a relationship. I was with her for three and a half years. The fucking best years of my life. A life that had lost all purpose since she's been gone. I made a clean cut and left, leaving my friends, my colleagues, the life I had built with her behind me. But I have this one friend who tracked me down."

Eli took another sip and flicked the ash off her cigarette into the now empty little metal milk can that had come with their coffees, more of a nervous gesture than really necessary.

"The first half year, she'd left me alone. I know I really hurt her, disappearing like I did. But one day, she just showed up here in Frisco. And since that day we haven't spend a day apart. She made me face my grief I had tried to bury somewhere so deep inside of me. Threw my flaws and mistakes into my face. Then held me. Even my oldest friend didn't have the guts to do that. I've always admired her strength and her confidence. And I guess even though I considered her a very close friend, I never truly realised just how much we cared about the other. We always had each other's backs. On the job as well as in private. We were colleagues in Vegas, both Detectives with the LVPD until she made Lieutenant."

Taking another deep drag, letting the smoke escape slowly into the gradually brightening room since the sun was starting to climb higher in the sky, Eli sighed.

"And then we - well, we had sex. For the second time, there had been another lapse, in a time where my relationship with my fiancé had almost failed and we weren't together for a short period. And it just doesn't fit our equation. I could always acknowledge that she's hot, and she used to be attracted to me before I got together with my fiancé, but everything else about our friendship was platonic apart from that one time. And now it's awkward. Not because of the sex. But because I know that she has fallen in love with me. We tiptoe around the issue, we haven't talked about it. She doesn't even know that I know. When there isn't really anything to talk about in the first place. She'd never tell me, she'd think she'd burden me with it, so she sucks it up and puts up a brave front. And she's right, somehow. Talking wouldn't change a thing. It's not like there's going to come something out of it. It was just that."

Andrew still watched Eli talk, seemingly unfazed, but Eli could see it in his keen blue-grey eyes that he burned to comment, but braced himself and patiently waited until she would have finished.

"Tonight we went out and she found someone she clicked with. And I felt jealous. And I can't place that jealousy. Is it because I just need her to be there for me right now and I don't want to have to share her attention or is it because that after what happened, the thought of her and someone else freaks me out, because that was and is something I need, too. Want to do again, sleep with her? Goodness, I can't think straight anymore."

A pause. Then finally, Andrew took his turn.

"As far as I understand what you've told me, she is your security blanket now that your girlfriend, your fiancé is not there anymore. She is the next close person to you, you admire her, you respect her, and you clearly love her a great deal. She's also the only one you feel you can trust, completely. Taking into account that you already had sex, the thought of physical closeness with her is something that doesn't frighten you and is something you might need right now and she is safe. At least you thought she was. Until you figured out she fell for you. Something was again dreading to take that remaining safety away from you tonight. Even if just for a few hours. It doesn't sound like the jealousy of a lover to me, it's your subconscious screaming that the next person might leave you alone one day. She knows she can't have you, so she will sooner or later turn to somebody else entirely. You've obviously been the center of her attention since she's come here and draw that focus away from you and onto someone else makes you feel lost. But you know she'll come back, don't you? At least for as long as you need her, it sure sounded like that. Go home, see if she really went with that other person, make breakfast for the two of you, either when she gets up or when she comes back and talk to her. You need her right now? Tell her. You feel safe being with her, she helps you get through your ordeal? Tell her. You want to sleep with her again just because, then tell her that, too. Regardless of your knowledge. She needs to see this thing you have as what it is. And make her own decision. Even the most confident and caring and seemingly strong people need a break. Cut her some slack. She's at least just as confused about all this as you are."

Eli just stared at Andrew, the remaining coffee in her cup now gone cold, the light of the day starting to become more prominent.

"Thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for what you've said. You should've become a shrink."

Andrew laughed, a full, rounded, warm and contagious laugh.

"Oh, been there, done that. Quit studying it, though. Come on, let's get you back to the city."

They threw a couple of dollars on the table and left the diner, that didn't look half as spooky in now almost bright daylight. It just looked shabby.

And again, silence filled the car as they made their way back, until Andrew spoke again.

"What was her name? Your girlfriend?"

"Sara."

"Would Sara want you to go on living a fulfilled life, even without her there to share it with you?"

A question Eli had been asked before. By Sofia. A question she'd finally managed to not just only answer fully, but started to believe in the words. Wanted to live them.

"Yes. I don't have a doubt that if she could talk to me, she'd urge me to get a job again. Get my life back on track. That I can miss her like hell and still lead a life. That I'm strong enough and she had utmost trust in me making the right decisions for myself. I haven't done that yet, I made a lot of wrong moves since she died. A lot."

"The life you knew, the life you wanted to live is gone. You need to learn to accept that, fully. I know what you're afraid of and it's only natural. You're afraid to be happy without her. Like you're not allowed to feel joy when her time had been so limited. But you don't need to be a martyr for her. You're not old, there's many years in front of you. You just got to take your dreams, the ones you had together and find a way to make them your own again. You're here, you're alive. Don't be afraid to live it. If you've loved her with all your heart, you have nothing to regret. And yes, you are even allowed to fall in love again. There is no replacing her, please don't ever resort to that ridiculous thought. No one can take her place in your heart. But there's enough capacity for love in everyone to be able to experience something new. It won't be the same, maybe it will never go as deep again, but you can live a life after her."

Eli huffed and her face became a grimace somewhere between a sarcastic grin and a scowl.

"I'm definitely not ready for that. I don't know if I ever will be."

Andrew swerved around a lone bicyclist, held the steering wheel steady and looked at his passenger.

"I wasn't talking about now. I'm talking generally, I wouldn't want you, she sure wouldn't want you to waste your life on a bad conscience. You seem like a really likeable, intelligent and sensitive person. Someone I could be friends with. You shared so much with me today, not knowing me at all and the least I can give you is some advice. I used to be a trauma counselor back in college. Let's say I remember some stuff and it's important. You know what I meant, right?"

Eli sighed in a long breath.

"Yeah, I do. But- I mean it's difficult to wrap my mind around the idea that after not even a year, I could feel _any_ kind of connection to someone. Yes, I do feel like I'd be cheating. And yet, I just want to go home, find my friend there, not having gone through with it with the other woman and tell her that _I _want to sleep with her, that I don't want her to hit it off with someone else. But I know it'd hurt her. It's what she sure would like to do, but she wants so much more that I just cannot give to her."

"Tell her anyway. It is her decision, she's a grown up, responsible, rational person. And should it happen, don't feel guilty. You're neither cheating nor using her. Let go of those thoughts."

All the rest of the way home, Eli went over Andrews words again and again. She knew he was right, but it was a hard truth to accept.

They exchanged numbers and email-addresses before Eli handed him two more hundreds.

"Thank you. I think this has been among the most honest and revealing conversations I've had over the last months. You're a great guy, Andrew. I really hope we'll stay in touch. I'm really glad you were driving down that street that very moment."

He just grinned and waved with Eli's card.

"Me, too. Keep me in the loop. Maybe we can meet up for a beer soon. I'd really like that."

Anxiously Eli put the key into the lock and turned it, finding the door not fully locked to her relief. She'd barely pushed it half open as a loud voice greeted her.

"Where the hell have you been? You leave the club looking like crap, give me that crooked line and when I get here you're nowhere to be found. It's almost noon, I was worried sick. Almost ten hours. What the fuck have you been doing?"

Eli remained calm and patient, shedding her coat, putting her keys and turned off phone down on the coffee table. All the while Sofia paced up and down in front of her.

"Sofia."

"What? Don't I deserve an answer?"

"I've gotten a cab and we drove down to Santa Cruz. I needed to wrap my head around a couple of things. I needed to talk to her, to Sara. And with the help of my charming and psychologically schooled cabbie, whose name is Andrew and he's a sweetheart, I learned, maybe even realized a few things. But you, you planted that seed, by coming here, by forcing me to face my fears. I could never thank you enough for that."

Sofia took a couple of steps backwards, lifting her hands and waving her forefinger at Eli.

"No. Don't you try to charm your way out of this with compliments. Uh-uh! I can't remember the last time I've been that afraid. Just when I thought you'd really made progress, you go and disappear on me?"

Whoa... What was that all about?

Eli frowned and crossed her arms in front of her body.

"Excuse me for taking a little trip. I didn't know I had to leave you a note about my whereabouts, mom. And by the way, I didn't think you'd be coming back here last night anyway. It looked like you were rather occupied getting yourself laid by that brunette chick. But you didn't, huh? What kept you?"

Taking a rushed step forward, Sofia's eyes spit venom.

"I actually was enjoying myself for once, yes. But then you made that show of an exit and I just kinda wasn't in the mood anymore. I was instantly worrying. You cost me a potentially great fuck last night, you know that? All because I fucking care about you! All because I still think you might be doing something stupid. All because I can't stand to not be around you when I don't know what exactly you're doing or where you're going when you get that vacant look in your eyes that tells me you hurt. And you freakin' hurt all the time!"

What? Now she was responsible for spoiling Sofia's night by doing the reasonable thing and leaving them alone? Eli pulled herself up to her full height and laughed. A cynical, mean sound in Sofia's ears.

"I left so you wouldn't have to worry and could enjoy yourself. I meant what I said, silly. Yes, I do hurt. And I will for a very long time to come. That doesn't mean that I need a watchdog all the time or that I'm suicidal or anything. I have never been and you fucking know that. I've done some sick things over the last couple of months but none of them have been a serious threat to my health. I'd never be so stupid. Do you think I'm stupid, Sofia? Or are you just on one of your fucking power trips and I just gotta do what you say so you write back home and say you saved me from whatever?"

The slap came out of nowhere and Eli stumbled backwards with its force, her left cheek stung like fire. Sofia's cheeks were burning red with rage and humiliation.

"Fuck you, Eli. You're not a freakin' project I could brag about for me. You are my best friend and all I wanted to do was see whether there is something I could help you with. Be there for you. Show you that there's still people who care about you. That's what I get? That's how you thank me? And you did just thank me for everything, only minutes ago, didn't you? Or was that just forced politeness?"

Eli had it. Up to wherever. She shoved Sofia backwards with more strength than she'd anticipated, the blondes back crashed into the living room wall, she let out a low 'Oomph', but Eli's hands were already on her shoulders, pushing her further back, giving her no room to escape.

"You want to know why I distanced myself yesterday? You wanna know why every time you make me feel better I retaliate, I lash out? Because you're the only person I'm defenseless against. When you tell me things, lecture me, console me, I grow weak. I allow myself to feel. All the freakin' time. But I still don't _want_ to feel, don't you understand? I can't. It would mean I had to acknowledge all the things I tried to push so far away from me. I can learn to live without Sara, I can learn how to live a life that's somehow fulfilled without her, but I can't let anyone in again. I just can't. And you, you fucking break down all my defenses. You are the only person I allowed myself to feel something for. That means you can hurt me and you did it, again and again, without even noticing. Don't force me, Fia. Don't make me need you even more than I already do. I can't need you. I can't need anyone. I can't love anyone. And if you keep up what you are doing, I am gonna end up loving you more than I should one fucking day. And I don't want to. I cannot ever let that happen again. I was jealous last night. Jealous that that bitch could charm you, that you danced with her, let yourself be kissed like that, that you were gonna end up in bed with her. I was jealous, because that's what I needed. I want to feel that mindless and free again, I want to fuck you to get myself to that state of oblivion, as short-lived as it may be. But it doesn't work that way, does it? And it will always feel like cheating, especially with you. I don't want to feel that, why the hell do I feel like that, I'm not allowed to feel like that, yet all I wanna do is rip that flimsy shirt off of you and fuck you again, Sofia Curtis. Stop making me feel like that, stop making me crave that comfort, I can't handle it. I can't- I'm such a cheater, I'm fucking her over, I love her, Sofia, I want her back, I want her here with me, I want her to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I miss her so much I can barely breathe yet lately every time I look at you, I- I..."

Sofia was breathing hard, her eyes wide and full of shock and compassion and fear as Eli's hands glided off her shoulders and choking with sobs she sank to the floor.

She took a deep breath and willed herself to not really think about all that Eli had said, but crouched down beside her.

"Eli, calm down, honey, please, just breathe, breathe for me, okay? You're having a nervous breakdown. Please, can you get your arms around me so I can take you over to the couch? You need to lie down and you need to drink something."

But Eli had rolled herself into a fetal position on the floor and cried heartbroken.

Once more Sofia noticed just how thin Eli still was. How much of a shadow of herself she was. She gathered her strength and tried to heave Eli off the floor and carried her awkwardly over to the sofa. Then she rushed into the bathroom, wetted a washcloth and gently swiped it across Eli's forehead and cheeks.

"I don't know what to say, honey. I never meant to hurt you. All I wanted to do was make sure you were okay. All I wanted to know was that my friend was still there, still with me somehow. I didn't wanna cause a new dilemma, I wanted to help you get closer to solving the initial one. I should never- we should never have... I'm sorry, Eli, I'm so sorry. But I'm not gonna leave you alone, I'm not gonna go. But if you really need me to, I will. It will break my heart all over again, but I will. Just don't torment yourself like that. You're not falling in love, believe me, you've just accustomed yourself to my presence, you're clinging to me and the love you feel for me as a friend because it is the only thing you've allowed yourself to feel lately. But that's not love. It's not. And it's not cheating. I'm close to you and you may feel the need for- ah, you know what I mean and I'm here so you project that on me, but that's just natural."

Sofia chose her words so they fitted both the way she thought Eli saw the situation as well her own feelings. She didn't really want to lie, but she'd do anything to not give herself away. She knew that this could be the final break, the one that could, once worked through, catapult Eli to a new place, a better place, as hard as it was to watch her come undone yet another time.

Completely unsuspected Eli turned towards her, eyes full of tears yet so very clear. She still trembled but the look in her eyes was unmistakable.

Eli had made a decision. Andrew wouldn't understand, but this was the only way Eli saw. They couldn't go on like this. They had to find themselves again, away from the other. It'd be better for both of them.

"Go, Sofia. Go to your new town, your new home. I promise I am going to keep in contact with you, I promise and this time I will. I'll write you mails, I'll call you, I'll make sure you don't need to be afraid, don't need to worry about me. But go. Or I won't let you. Because I want you here, I want you in my life, I want you in my home, I want you in my bed, for all the wrong reasons. And that just can't be happening. I'm not gonna do this to you. Because you're right, I'm projecting things on you and you don't love me either. Well, you do, but as a loving, caring, dedicated friend and I want us to be able to stay that way. I said I'd never go see a therapist, but I might just have found someone to talk to. I'll talk to Andrew. He'll help me. He said as much. I love you, Fia, in the best possible way, but I need you to leave. Please."

The lies fell from Eli's mouth easily. She gave Sofia a way out. She wouldn't ever suspect Eli had known.

Sofia's hands fell limply and defeated to her sides, she leaned back onto her heels down there on the floor and sighed, her expression tired and ultimately sad.

"Okay. If that's really what you want, I'll go." She gulped, scrutinized Eli closely and said what her friend needed to hear.

"You're right. I'm not in love with you. We're close, we got too close for real comfort, we need to reestablish a healthy friendship. Because that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'll go pack my bags, I'll be leaving today. But don't expect to not see me again, and soon. I never told you where Brass had me transferred. Starting with the first of the month, I'm the new Lieutenant and head of San Francisco's homicide unit. I'm moving here, Eli. I said I'm not leaving you alone again and I won't. If you need me, I'll be around. Get used to the thought."

And she pushed herself up and left an utterly stunned and disbelievingly looking Eli behind as she closed the door of Eli's guest room behind herself to start packing her suitcase and bags.


	17. There's always before and after

**So guys, this is it, the final chapter. I know I said it before (I think), but this has been the story that proved to me that I've become better than I thought possible when I started out a little over a year ago. A lot has changed during those 15, 16 months. I have changed. Some of my perspectives have changed. I don't mind a lot of the troubles I had before anymore. Life right now is difficult, but good. I 'met' some amazing people, watched more shows and got sucked into more fandoms than I ever thought I didn't need in my life, read some amazing writers and developed an appreciation for certain tumblrs (which I feel inclined to join myself now, just for the fun of it, because I have no time left to spare and will do it anyways, you'll find me there soon under the name 'alittlemorefoodwise' and find out about all my more or less weird obsessions...).**

**Writing again gave me back what I thought I had lost. Fun. My humour. My ability to communicate. To articulate myself. Self-confidence (nah, I'm still working on that one). And I learned so much...**

**You probably don't give a flying fuck about my ramblings, but I needed to say that anyway. **

**I'm done now, here you go...**

* * *

><p>17. There's always before and after<p>

Sofia sulked. She threw clothes, both fresh and dirty, shoes and coats haphazardly into her suitcase, stripped the bed down and stuffed towels and everything she'd used of Eli's stuff roughly into the hamper. She heard the bead spread rip as it got stuck somewhere, but she couldn't care less this very moment, almost welcoming the irony as it mirrored her state of mind quite perfectly. She needed to get out of Eli's place, away from the thoughts that spun in circles in her head.

She'd sure heard all Eli had said, but what unraveled her was the thought that hadn't she felt the need to flirt with someone the night before, hadn't so almost desperately wanted to find someone to fuck her own pain away with for once, she could have gone home with Eli and ended up in bed with her. Could. It would have hurt like a bitch afterwards, because for Eli, it wouldn't have meant nearly as much as for her, but to her own embarrassed surprise she would have jumped at the chance regardless of the consequences for either her or their friendship. This just wasn't like her but then again what of her recent actions had been? She started becoming scared of herself and quickly. This really wasn't healthy anymore. She shouldn't even think about it, torturing herself, that's what it was. But she would have taken all she could get, despite how stupid that was. Was that how much worth she gave herself nowadays? She really needed to regain her sense of self-worth and pride, wasn't that what she personally deserved?

She collected her belongings from the bathroom, then grabbed books, pens and magazines and her laptop and closed the suitcase, zipped her bags and took one last look around the guest room.

The midday sun flooded the room with bright light, the brick red on the walls shone; the dark brown, sealed floorboards almost glistened. She wanted to scream and stay, she wanted to trash the place and leave without even saying good-bye.

But she just hung her head, opened the door quietly and carried her luggage save one bag to the loft's door.

Eli was sitting on the kitchen counter, drinking coffee, seemingly lost in thought, her feet dangling, swinging restlessly while Sofia raided the room for the last of her belongings and filled the remaining bag with it.

Then suddenly Eli's voice broke the silence that hung heavier than ever between them.

"Do you even have a place to stay? I mean, since you are going to remain in the city I suppose you somehow managed to look for flats without me noticing." Eli spoke without even looking at her, Sofia just heard her stirring mindlessly in her cup. Silver against ceramic, round upon round, relentlessly, nervously. Symbolic of the game she was now too tired to play.

Sofia sighed, ignoring the anger Eli's absent-minded habit induced. Just like the clicking of that Zippo. How did she only notice how much this unnerved her now?

"I signed a lease a few days ago. So I do have a place to go. I'll write the address down for you. I just don't have any furniture here yet, the moving company was scheduled to bring the stuff on Tuesday. Which isn't too far away. I wanted to buy a new couch anyway, looks like I'll be doing that today, then."

She collared her emotions and put a short and tight leash on them. Eli was not the only guilty party here; she herself had made her far share of mistakes. It wouldn't be fair to unleash her ire now. Not when the stakes were as high as the possibility of risking the fragile remains of their once unquestionable friendship. Underneath all her composed demeanour, Eli was fiercely emotional and easily aggravated. A dispute at this point could endanger any future there was left for them. Distance really was the best choice. In truth it seemed her only way to regain 'balance' and 'normalcy' in her life.

"I could drive you over,… you don't have your rental anymore."

By then Eli had turned and propped one knee up on the counter, staring at Sofia with guilt in her eyes.

Sofia just glared back. 'Too late for that', she thought.

"You know what? Right now I don't think I want you to."

Eli made a sound of defeat under her breath and lowered her gaze.

"What happened to us, Fia?" She asked tonelessly, seriously.

Again Sofia sighed, deeply, but remained stoic, yet not unaffected.

„You did! You decided to throw me out, not me! You're the one that decided that we obviously don't work anymore". She groaned and stepped closer to the counter. „Honestly, I get, I really do. This has been a rough stretch for the both us and maybe, who knows, putting a little distance between us will do us good. Just know it changes nothing about the way I feel about you... You're my best friend, my most important friend and oh so much more than I can describe. We both know that we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for one another. Hell, I'd probably have died five years ago in that alley and you'd be drowning a sea of demons hoping to find solitude at the bottom of a bottle. But if this is what you want than fine, if this is what you need in order than to find yourself then so be it. I won't stand in your way, just promise me you'll remember that no matter what I'm just a phone call away. You can come knocking on my door, day or night. Okay? That is a promise. I don't want anything to change."

This was what she would never be able to deny Eli. She would never deny Eli comfort when she needed it. Even if it would kill her.

Eli slid off the counter and closed the distance between them, sweeping Sofia up in her arms.

"Thank you." She mumbled into the fabric of the blonde's shirt. "Please try to understand. This is about me. And yeah, I know you're there. Who else would? You know I love you, right? You know you've become the most important person in my life, too. Right?" There was no mistaking the sincerity and pain behind her words.

Sofia felt strong arms around herself, holding her so very close, then lips beneath her ear, leaving the softest, chastest of kisses there. The touch left her skin tingly and she clung to Eli, reveling in the feeling of having her friend so close. She loved and hated it all at the same time. Who knew when she'd next have the chance? So she took all she could get. Pride be damned.

"You've done so much for you and this is how I thank you for it, huh?" She heard the tears now choking Eli's voice. "I send you off to live in an empty apartment without even so much as a bed. You didn't need to leave this very second, you know that, don't you?" She wanted to say no, that she would stay, but she couldn't. She needed to do this, not just for her, for both of them.

"I do. But it's better this way. I'll call you, okay? I'll call you every day. I know you need this space, but let's have a coffee sometime this week. I don't think I can go from seeing you everyday to not seeing you at all when you're just stone's throw away."

The embrace loosened and now Eli's hands were on her cheeks and another light kiss was delivered to her forehead.

She was about to crumble to pieces.

"You won't have to. I'll see you soon."

Sofia took one of Eli's hands and dared to softly kiss the palm. All her emotions packed neatly into one tiny little gesture. Puckered lips on salty skin.

"Yeah, you will."

* * *

><p>They talked on the phone, but they didn't see each other nor had coffee over the course of the week.<p>

The time-out had developed a life of its own. And neither woman was inclined to push the issue before they felt like it was absolutely necessary to talk.

Eli had some things to figure out and now alone, she was intent on making at least the same progress she had made with Sofia by her side. Like she had something to prove. But not to the blonde, not even to herself, no, to Sara. She had to prove that she could live with the pain, the grief, the sadness, but not let it rule her life. Let it become an undertone that was always there, but hummed quietly in the background, like the Pimps on mute, like the buzzing of the fridge, the gentle crashing of the waves into the shore. More like an assurance. But she had to live again. Do something. Because after a week alone, Eli was starting to go stir-crazy.

So she called Andrew.

Andrew Sarkowski was a humble man. He'd dropped out of college to concentrate on his writing and so far it looked kinda promising. He lived in a small one-bedroom apartment, still the same he'd moved in to as he'd enrolled in college and didn't need much to get through the day. He already had a few of his short stories published and was just about to finish his first novel. He wrote as a freelancer for a couple of magazines and was a contributing writer for a gay entertainment website and a magazine that was handed out for free at a lot of gay venues in San Francisco. Yet all of that didn't pay the rent by far, so a couple of nights a week, he sat behind the wheel of a yellow cab.

Eli had been kind of an enigma to him. He had made almost a grand that night. Generally the woman did reek of money, but it didn't seem to mean much to her, not like to so many other rich people he had driven around. For Eli, it seemed, money was just a means to an end. Something she had but didn't talk about. Something that made life easier, but no less complicated.

When they met in downtown Frisco, Andrew arrived a little early at the small coffee shop. As Eli parked her blue Impala at the curb, right in front of the table Andrew occupied, he gulped. And when Eli got out of the car, looking so different without the red-rimmed eyes and the ultimately pained expression but wearing a small smile, her dark brown eyes clear and more alive, he knew this could be the beginning of a real friendship. And he knew Eli had made a decision.

"Hey!" Eli greeted him. "Wow, you're a really good-looking guy, how come I didn't notice that before?"

Andrew just grinned. Though he'd never brag about it, he was aware of his looks and physique. He wasn't very tall, just about the same height as Eli, but had an athletic built, a handsome, boyish face, blonde short cropped hair and clear blue eyes that sparkled with intelligence and charisma.

"Hi Eli. Oh, your subconscious sure noticed, you were just a little too preoccupied to realise it, don't you think? But right back at you, woman. You're gorgeous. If I was the least bit bi-curious, I'd hit that."

Eli fell into the chair next to Andrew's, waggled her brows and grinned widely. She'd made the right decision meeting up with him. He was just what she needed a distraction. A little humour and finally some more insights maybe.

"I'm too old for you anyway. And I haven't slept with a man in ages. Though you look capable." She winked and Andrew had the good graces to blush at the amused once-over Eli gave him.

"Uh, you're not that old, are you? And I wouldn't have taken you for-"

Interrupting Andrew, Eli now outright laughed. And it felt so damn good.

"Whoa, stop right there. Never judge a book by the cover, you of all people should know that, you are a writer, aren't you? But you're what? 26, 27? And I'm 37. And my interest in men was solely concentrated on one single object. So chill. I ain't gonna _hit __that_ either." She smirked. "Though it sure is very hittable..."

"37? I wouldn't have guessed. You definitely look younger."

Eli sighed. "It's a curse and a blessing all the same. But what you see is not the person I was. It's what grieve did to me. I never used to be this skinny. Apropos. What are we having? Is there some pie or cake? I need to eat. And I need a very large coffee. Waitress?"

As Eli unfolded the events of the day she'd met Andrew, he furrowed his brow, but didn't comment. In the end, he gave her just one advice.

To do what felt good to her, what she felt she should be doing. To just find herself again. To find a way to live her way into the future that was laid out before her, yet she couldn't picture it. What it would shape up to be was Eli's decision alone to make.

That night, as Eli stared up at her bedroom ceiling, once again incapable of finding sleep, an idea started to form in her head.

* * *

><p><strong>5 months later<strong>

Eli took a deep and presumably cleansing breath. She was nervous, more than nervous, she was downright panicking. This was it, the day she'd anticipated, yet feared. She was about to go back to work. Real work…Police work.

She hadn't closed an eye the whole night, lying awake, letting the past months pass her by again and again, her decisions, her progress, her setbacks. Both anxious for the morning to arrive and way too afraid to overhear the alarm to find enough peace within her to fall asleep.

Now it was six-thirty in the morning and she'd already showered and changed her outfit at least half a dozen times. Everything would be new to her. She wouldn't go back to Homicide. Not even to Robbery, where she'd had a short stint after making Detective. She'd been assigned to Vice. To the tough guys, the rough cases, the undercover unit. It hadn't been a choice, she'd been told to either take the opportunity or having to wait until a spot in Homicide or Robbery became vacant. Vice would have been her last pick. But she agreed anyway without even thinking twice.

She'd stand out in that unit. With her striking good looks and her designer clothes, with her understated way of approaching matters and her scientific mind. But she'd take it all in stride, at least she was back where now more than ever knew she belonged, she'd learned that much while she'd been away.

Away.

This time, she hadn't burnt any bridges. She'd talked to both Sofia, their tentative rebuilt of their friendship just burgeoning, and Andrew about her idea, and both had supported her instantly. In a way, she had needed to get away once more. But with a goal, a clear destination and lots of plans.

So Eli had spent three long and hot months in the Middle East with aid organisations, using her money to rebuild schools, to realise training programs for mostly young women, to equip children's hospitals. She'd been hugged and invited into family's pitiful homes to share meals and laughter under the most difficult of circumstances, she'd held the hands of kids who'd become mine or burn victims, she'd watched the Army diffuse bombs on her way from one town to another, she'd been shot at and had had to walk 15 miles under the scorching sun to get back to the camp with two wounded fellow aid workers under the protection of their security detail since their car had been riddled with bullets, after they'd hidden for hours to make sure the rebels had lost interest in them, she'd been threatened to get kidnapped and blackmailed, but she'd also seen so many things like medical supplies and educational classes, founding money for the smallest of businesses make so many people so very happy. Sometimes you could do so much with practically so very little. With things everyone at home took for granted. With knowledge, health care and safety. With a little money, with opportunities. Helping the people learn to help themselves and providing them with the means. With understanding and respect for foreign cultures, eating goat's offal out of a clay pot and drinking hot tea at 110°.

She'd also trained police officers for the new government's force that was just beginning to form again in basic investigation techniques, self-defense and gun handling. She'd been everywhere and nowhere at once. And had rarely felt closer to any real purpose. The decision to go back to doing police work, to make her own country, her own city just that little bit safer, to make use of her talents in the only way she really knew how was made and not questioned again.

She'd also become used to wearing a bandana, at least, to cover her hair, to take her shoes off before entering a home, to the near constant sheen of sweat on her skin, to hard physical labour and to teaching basic English. What she never wanted to get used to though was seeing the repercussions of a real war. The poverty and despair, the still constant fear and danger, the dead and those who survived, but barely. The consequences of religious beliefs that in her point of view were merely fanaticism that had stripped a belief of all good it initially wanted to convey, yet were a day to day normalcy to these people. To women not understanding when she told them she wasn't married and had no kids and that when she would have gotten married, she'd have married a woman. She had to be careful saying such things, she'd been spat in the face and insulted, cursed, she'd been banned from the home of one man she'd worked with for weeks when he had found out that she was, in his eyes, an abomination.

But in-between all that, Eli had found a solace she hadn't expected she'd ever experience again. When she fell asleep, exhausted but content, in her bunk bed underneath cloth lines spanned through the room, some nights she could practically see Sara smiling down at her.

Of course it also helped that she kept her mind busy with assignments and her body thrummed with exertion in the evenings.

Her messages home were long and rich in detail, laced with emotions so different from the ones she had been living through the months prior. Helping helped Eli. Helping, in the way she'd been trained to, she would resume once she got home.

And she did reapply at the San Francisco Police Department the second she had gotten settled in again.

The comfort of her own home suddenly felt strange to her. The experience had shaped Eli. Not only bodily, she had gained at least 15 pounds of what felt and looked like pure muscle since she'd been able, beside the work she'd been doing, to use the US Army base's improvised gym (and eat maybe one time too often in their field kitchen), but also her mind-set had been changed.

When Sofia had picked her up at the airport, she'd felt no resentment, no anger, and no more fear of what the future would bring. She was simply happy to envelop her friend in a tight hug, to be back, to be where she belonged.

But upon seeing the blond she also knew that nothing had really changed, even though it somehow had, if only for her. The blonde's eyes almost bulged out of her head as she took sight of Eli. But Sofia was also more nonchalant about her attraction, so it seemed. The teasing ribbing that ensued on the drive home and during the take-out they shared was more familiar to Eli than the broken gazes and not fully trusting words that had been there before Eli had left for the heat and the sand.

The outland had taught Eli to feel again. To appreciate the life she led. Watching so many families, spouses, children, parents, grandparents, friends cope with the loss of their loved ones had helped her process her own grief. Life simply went on for those people, there was no time to stop and wallow in the pain.

She'd been particularly intrigued by a rather young woman who had lost her husband of five years in a suicide bombing. Fatima had helped Eli teach English to young girls and women and had taken over the course once Eli left. Despite being raised in a tradition where homosexuality was demonised, Fatima had understood, on an emotional level. They'd both felt just how much the other had loved their partner. They'd shown each other pictures, Eli had gotten to know her two boys, four and two years old Mustafa and Saddiq, and they had spent many evenings just talking. Wise beyond her years, that was what Fatima had been. So centered and so grounded despite her fate.

_Allah has a plan and who are we to question him? Your God must have had a plan, too, when he took your love from you. Challenged you. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. My family repudiated me for a reason. Had my grandfather still been alive, that would never have happened. But here I am. I come from a good family. Rich, educated. He had been an ambassador. He taught me English, he taught me everything I usually wouldn't have been allowed to learn. Now I live in a tiny room with my sons and just working for the aid organisations gave me a chance to make it through. You have everything. And yet you dared to drown in your despair. When you could still lead a life other people could only describe as a dream, far away, unreachable for them. Be a bit more thankful for the things you do have as opposed to clinging too tightly to what you have lost. You believe in the concept of heaven? Then you know. There just is no reason to be sad. _

Eli had cried that night, almost the whole night. Fatima had stayed. Had done nothing but sit beside her and hold her hand.

When Eli had finally fallen asleep, it had been a deep, untroubled, dreamless rest. And in the morning the world had changed a bit again. And again for the better.

Eli was working hard on holding on to that feeling.

When she entered the Hall of Justice and went to her Sergeant , he put her badge and service weapon onto the table and she strapped the gun to her waist and clasped the golden insignia to her belt, she felt like another piece of her had been put back into the right place. She once more acknowledged that this was truly her calling, this was where she was supposed to be, what she was supposed to do.

It was more than time for the real Eli Trent to reappear.

There was just one more thing to make it through before life could start all over again. Before she'd let it claim her, before she could accept that this really was the beginning of something new, before she could completely accept the changes that had happened inside her.

Before she could admit that she indeed was ready to live. Without constant sorrow. That the pain she'd felt had lessened from a sharp, all-consuming stinging to a dull, unimposing humming. Before she could get up in the mornings and while still missing Sara, could smile and give the day a chance to become a good one.

She had to get rid of one more thing and the day to finally do so was getting closer and closer.

* * *

><p>"You had somebody take care of the place."<p>

It wasn't a question, it didn't have to be, it was painfully clear just how much Eli still cared as she hesitantly bypassed the freshly mowed patch of grass in front of the house and shuffled across the gravel, absent-mindedly kicking little stones ahead, to the garage.

Sofia quickly followed suit, not having expected Eli to answer or to even have heard her.

Eli unlocked the gate in the fence and stepped into the backyard.

Pictures rushed back to her, frames of moments captured and hidden in the back of her mind, of all the times she'd shared this with Sara.

They hadn't talked about the reason Eli had needed to come here. All the way driving out of the busy city had been discussions about cases, most of all one that connected Vice and Homicide at the moment and how Eli's Sergeant had opted for the only woman on their team to go undercover and though thrilled at the perspective, Eli was somehow worried she could have difficulties pulling it off, that Sofia thought it was too early for such a challenging mission, that Eli first had to get all her confidence and then some experience back before becoming involved with an illegal porn ring.

So they didn't talk at all about what day it was. Or Eli's other reason for coming here.

When Eli sat down in the warm grass, staring into space, her hands filled with ripe strawberries she'd picked on her way to the back of the garden, Sofia didn't know what to do.

She didn't even know how Eli really felt on this day. All her instincts told her that Eli had to talk about it, that she should just get her ass over to her friend and hug the hell out of her, yet she faltered in her step, afraid to intrude a moment of memory.

"Fia, I wanted you with me for a reason, you know? Can you just say something? Or can you just come over here and hold me, just for a minute?" The contrast of Eli saying this while still chewing strawberries and wiping some juice from the ripe fruits off her chin with the back of her hand and the tone in which she'd uttered her plea gave the blond goose-bumps.

Sofia had a hard time not to break into a run to bridge the short distance between herself and Eli. When she plopped down on the ground beside her friend, she immediately crushed Eli into a tight hug.

"Honey, I don't really know what I could possibly say to you. I feel like all that I can has been said and done. And I have no idea what this day means to you. Apart from the fact that it's been a year now. I can only imagine why you chose to come here. You feel closer to her here, don't you? You feel like here, there's still so much to hold on to, to remind you. But this place, it has been yours before Sara, so why can't it be yours now? Make it yours again."

Eli bit her lip hard, the remaining sweetness mixing with a hot, salty, irony taste, and she swayed a bit in Sofia's embrace.

"It was always meant to be the place where I would grow old with someone. At the time it had only been wishful thinking that the person sharing it with me could be Sara, I'd always figured I'd have to go and settle for second best, but then it did happen and we went here, together. We made this our home. Did you know we planned to move back here, one day? I didn't want my kid to have to grow up in the desert, in Vegas. I wanted the seaside, the wind, the ocean air, the rain and the green, the changing of the seasons and the safety of this place. I always felt safe here, with or without Sara. Now I just feel alone. It isn't so much that everything reminds me of her, though it does, too, it's more that I'd be lonely living here alone. This place was always meant to be shared."

Sofia loosened her grip a bit and gently placed her fingertips to Eli's cheek to turn her friends head to face her.

"But you can't let go of it. You can't bring yourself to sell it and start over somewhere else. Though you want to, don't you? That's why you came here, too, to say your final good-byes."

Eli tried to escape the stare out of sympathetic blue eyes, but Sofia held on.

"Hey, I didn't mean you should. Keep it. Try to spent some time here again. A couple of hours a week. Sort through old stuff. Get rid of what you don't need any more. Change some things inside if it makes you feel better. Or just lie in the hammock and read. This place is beautiful, it's an oasis, really. I remember how I felt when I stepped into this backyard for the very first time, after the- well, when you practically forced me to board that plane with you and get away from it all, spent that weekend with Sara and you after the abortion. I've rarely felt so at peace, despite the circumstances. I sneaked outside at night, you know? When you slept. I'd curl up in that hammock and look at the stars. And I cried for my baby. For the life I didn't give a chance to ever grow. For the chance I denied myself. For things always happening at the wrong time in my life. Then I'd hear the waves wash up on the shore and the wind rustling the leaves and I'd feel that slight moisture in the air and I'd feel better. I'd bet it'd work for you, too. At first you'll see how it would have been, you'll maybe see Sara behind every corner. But gradually you will come to love this place for what it is again. The home you built for yourself, according to your wishes, to accommodate you, your personality, your standards, your needs, your home. Would you have left it behind if you'd never found anyone? Or would you have stayed?"

Tears burned in Eli's eyes. This was not going like she'd planned. She'd wanted to cry and mourn, she'd wanted to feel the pain, intensely, just one more time. She'd wanted to curse the place and all the memories it held, she'd indeed wanted to say good-bye. She really had. But then she shouldn't have taken Sofia with her. What had she been thinking making her part of something so personal? But that's initially the way it was, wasn't it? After all that had transpired within the past six months, Sofia had been essential part of it all. This was just who they were, regardless to anything else.

Sofia's breath hitched just a bit as Eli tucked her head beneath her chin and silently sobbed into her shirt. She drew soft patterns on Eli's back, meant to soothe her, meant to comfort her even when her own heart was beating faster and faster. There was no way Eli wouldn't feel it.

But she didn't care anymore. She just didn't.

"I would have stayed. I would have found other ways to share this place. I'd have friends over. Have Barbecues, movie nights and dinners. With other important people I'd share my life with. Like you, Fia. How do you always just seem to know what goes on inside my head and how to talk me into or out of things, huh? I know you care. I know you do. But I'll never understand why you do, so much?"

A single tear now escaped Sofia's eye. And she let it fall. She had to let go of some things she'd held in so tightly, too.

"Because I love you, honey. Because I love you. And you know I do. Stop pretending. You knew all along, didn't you?"

With that, Eli's head whipped up and red and bleary eyes caught Sofia's gaze, that for once didn't waver, didn't hide the emotions playing in them.

"I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry." The sadness in Eli's tone was almost palpable. It was honest.

Sofia laughed nervously, her usual demeanour reappearing.

"You don't have to be." She wiped her cheeks and then her hand went into Eli's hair and she ran her fingers lovingly through the short soft curls.

"I'm a fool."

Straightening, Eli caught Sofia's now fidgeting hands and stared at her.

"You are a lot of things, but never a fool, Sofia Curtis. And least of all are you a fool for loving someone. Let me tell you again, in case you still didn't understand yet. I'm the way I am today because of you. I laugh again, I work again, and I made my way into a kind of a new life because of you. Because of the things you said and where they guided me. Don't you understand? If you hadn't come, I'd still be lying on that damn couch, passed out from all that Whiskey, a hundred more useless notches on my bedpost, a hollow shell without any connection to her feelings, a whore, an addict, a failure. I'd live, I'd promised myself that, but I wouldn't have a life. You gave me the strength to claim my life back. Your love, that unconditional love that turned into much more than friendship was also able to give so much more. And it made me see. I knew and we fucking tip-toed around the issue so no one would get hurt. Or so we thought. And it almost tore us apart. I threw you out so you wouldn't get hurt because I was about to use your weakness for my own benefit. And you left _because_ you love me and because you love yourself enough to not make yourself a cheap conquest. I admire you, Sofia. And I'm eternally thankful."

The faint blush that crept into the blonde's cheeks was utterly adorable. Despite her disheveled state, Eli smirked at the sight and raised Sofia's left hand to her mouth, placing a very gentle kiss on the back of it, feeling the light tremor beneath her lips.

Sofia's eyes trailed away from their joined hands and she took in a rattling breath as she stared into the distance.

"What are you thinking? Just let it go, like you made me let go. You can tell me anything. I'm not gonna run. Just like you didn't. We're in this together and I want it to stay this way, difficult or not, awkward at times or easy, I need you in my life just as much as I think you need me. Fia..."

Without returning her gaze to her friend, Sofia started voicing her thoughts. It was easier when she didn't look at Eli.

"You know, the moment we stopped here I thought you were about to let go of this place. And I couldn't let you. This is one more thing you cannot allow to go to waste because of what happened. When you sat down on the grass, my mind immediately went back to that night, when you were sitting on that patch on the hospital grounds, in the pouring rain, pushing me away, and then leaving. I thought I'd never get through to you again. And after the funeral I thought I'd really lost you for good. After about four months I'd actually started to accept that you were gone. Out of my life. I had to make myself believe that in order to just get through the day. But you weren't. No matter how far away, you'd always be with me. Because you had always been. We became friends in the hospital, after the shooting and somewhere along the way I realised what you were beginning to mean to me. It was subconscious at best in the beginning. Then there was attraction, so strong I couldn't deny feeling it at one point. You know what happened. Then you finally had Sara and the two of you, you just fit. It was beautiful to watch you both grow in that relationship, you were truly meant for each other. So I learned to accept the fact that I had once again chosen the wrong person to pin my heart on. I convinced myself that being your friend was just as big a gift. And somehow I really believed that. I had you and I even had parts of you that you didn't share with Sara. I relapsed, a couple of times I think, in retrospective. But I was good with the way things were. I really was. Even sleeping with you didn't wake old feelings up. Or maybe it did, but again I might have made myself believe it was just finally having been physical with you. When Sara died, all I wanted was to help you. When you left, I couldn't help at one point but seek you out. You had me so worried. I think everyone but me noticed just how worried. That night, after the first big obstacles were out of the way and you were doing a bit better, but needed another kind of comfort, I didn't even think about it. But oh how I did afterwards. And before I even knew what was happening, I was falling so hard and fast that it almost took my breath away. And then I realised it had never completely gone away. It had always been you, Eli. I can't help it. I can run away, I can have other people, but I am in love with you. How can we possibly make this work? I don't want to lose you altogether."

Eli shook her head, knowing the blond would see out of the corner of her eyes

"Just like we always did. We talk to each other. When you need space, I'm gonna give it to you. When you wanna scream and shout at me for not being available, you can. If you need me to hold you, I will. If I knew it didn't hurt you even more afterwards, I'd even consider inviting you into my bed again. God knows you're the only one I'd allow that close to me. Just talk to me. No more hiding, no more white lies. I consider you my best friend and I know that you feel the same thing, love as an addition or not. We'll make it work. It might be frustrating at times, but maybe things might also change along the way. Maybe you'll meet someone who's right up your alley. Maybe it will simply fade in time."

Sofia looked up into warm and sincere brown eyes.

"Be truthful? Always? About everything?"

Eli smiled lopsidedly.

"Yep. About all the awkward stuff, too. Any other way it will just be hindering. Feel free to make me blush, you always had a knack for managing that."

A small grin played around the blonde's lips now, too.

"Right now, I just want to kiss you. Senseless. Make you forget what day it is, what weighs on your mind, what you feel by being here." They exchanged a knowing smirk and Sofia basked in the fact that Eli's eyes flittered ever so quickly from her eyes to her lips and back.

"Never mind." She laughed. "No, I think we should just stay here a bit longer. Let us order in and eat. Go inside and you can tell me some stories. Connected to Sara or not. Just talk and familiarise yourself with this space again. And I'll hold you and you can cry or laugh or just miss her."

Eli ground her teeth, and then stood up, pulling Sofia with her and into another embrace, her lips finding the smaller woman's forehead and lingering there affectionately.

"You're amazing. I hope you really know that. Now come on."

And she started walking towards the patio, Sofia in tow.

"You know what I just have to think of when I see all those big and heavy pots there? Well, when I took Sara here for the first time, the garden was overgrown and pretty much half of the plants had dried and died. So we spent a day trying to tame the wilderness and then went to buy new flowers and plants and herbs and all that stuff. It was supposed to be delivered the next morning, when we both overslept until the doorbell rang and there was a storm raging outside. It was raining so heavily..."

Very much to Eli's surprise, it didn't hurt half as much as she'd been afraid it would to recall this moment and many more over the course of the evening.

She had dreaded this day, the one year anniversary of Sara's death. She'd had nightmares, more frequently than usual, and she had still quarreled with the decision to take Sofia with her on this. Throughout the past months their friendship had remained somewhat strained and neither of the women had seemed to be able to voice the reasons why. Now that they had, she felt so much lighter. As did the blond that sat across from her at the kitchen counter, wolfing down her Burrito with much gusto. They'd decided on something Sara would have liked, too. Eli had said a prayer, because she'd wanted to, needed to and Sofia had just dropped her head and chimed in on the 'Amen'. Respectful of her friend's beliefs. Her truths. Her hopes.

They shared a bottle of wine Eli had retrieved from the basement and watched the sun go down over the huge walnut tree in the back of the garden. An array of small teas lights flickered in the pale light of dusk on the wooden patio table and as the temperature dropped and night crept in, Eli still didn't feel the need to leave the place. She stumped her cigarette out and looked at Sofia.

"I don't think I want to go yet. Would you mind if we stayed a bit longer?"

Her eyes conveyed what she couldn't say.

_I am unbearably sad but I'm coping. I miss her so much and yet I don't feel threatened by the things I suspected would haunt me at this place. I'm ready to face this… I'm not giving up on my home. _

Vaguely remembering her one and only stay at Eli's house, Sofia stood and rummaged through the living room, reappearing on the patio clutching a blanket and some cushions to her chest.

"Pull those chairs together. I know you can link them, so you have a wider space to lie on."

Eli took one last sip of the wine and arranged the deck chairs accordingly and setting the backrests upright. Then she refilled their glasses and placed them at each side of the chairs on the floorboards.

"Is that okay for you?" She asked tentatively as Sofia cuddled into her side, covering them with the woolen plaid.

The contented sigh that was emitted beside her made Eli smile. She slung her arm around Sofia and nestled her firmly against her, sharing the same space and warmth with the blond.

"You know I love you, too, Fia, don't you? Just differently, you still mean the world to me and I wouldn't know what to do without you. I wish I could give you everything you want, but I just can't. I don't feel it. I don't have it in me anymore, I think. But you have everything else that is left there to give. It's all yours. It makes it easier not to be alone here. It's like right now, I remember all the reasons I fell in love with this house and this garden in the first place. All I lived through here will never go away, but I can create new memories. You were right. I can make this my own again."

Sofia nodded into Eli's chest and her fingers found Eli's hand underneath the blanket and they entwined naturally.

"Hun, you're so much stronger than you think you are. You have so much to give, still. And I know, believe me. And I couldn't be more pleased that we simply are who we are. Please don't ever change."

She felt a soft kiss to her hair and Eli's thumb caress the palm of her hand. If they could only stay in this moment forever, she'd never ask for more.

As she felt and heard Eli's breathing even out, become more calm and regular, she turned to study her sleeping friend. Her features finally relaxed, her long lashes brushing her cheeks, the lines of worry and ever-present pain smoothed by the relaxation of sleep, Sofia felt a quiet contentment. She touched her fingertips to her own mouth and then gently and carefully not to wake Eli rested them against her lips, and just for a second she allowed herself to let them linger and she indulged in the feeling of the soft texture and how Eli seemed to breathe just a little bit deeper.

Then she settled back into her former position and let sleep claim her, too.

* * *

><p>Eli was standing in front of the tattoo parlour, hesitant to step inside. She'd called Haley beforehand, she was being expected. Subconsciously Eli rubbed her shoulder. <em>Dum <em>_Spiro, __Spero._ While I breathe, I hope. When she'd initially gotten that tattoo it had been all about Sara. To tell herself to fight for the things she wanted. How much its meaning had changed since then. Now it served to tell her that there was always something worth living for, no matter how much she'd doubted that at times.

Today's addition was small, but significant. Just three words. Three little words she didn't fully believe, not yet. Maybe she never would, but maybe she could.

While she was still deep in thought, the door suddenly opened from the inside, the familiar roar of the bell startling her.

Haley was all flowing hair and flailing arms as she launched herself at Eli and hugged her tightly.

"Oh my God, I'm so glad to see you, to have you back in one piece. Why didn't you come to see me earlier? You cannot imagine how wild my imagination ran when you told me where you were going."

Eli smiled into raven hair, then grabbed Haley's arms and pulled her offherself far enough to look into her eyes.

"I'm fine. One or two times it got a bit tricky, but I am here and I'm fine."

Scrutinising her friend, Haley slowly nodded.

"You sure do look fine. Better than I have ever seen you since you came back to Frisco. Your eyes are clear again. So, lettering again, yeah?"

For the first time Eli would cross a boundary she had so far set for herself. The new tattoo would go on the inside of her forearm. But she didn't care anymore. This was her life and if she would have to wear long sleeves at work for every single day from now on, she would.

Slouching in the chair and waiting for Haley to be finished with her preparations, Eli took a look around the room. A few new photographs had been added to the old, some of it clearly Howard's work, some of it Haley's. Eli froze as her glance fell on one certain floral motive. There was no mistaking whose tattoo this was. Something inside Eli twisted into a tight knot and she must've gasped, since Haley ever so gently touched her shoulder.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?"

Then she followed Eli's line of sight and smiled to herself.

"Yes, this is what you think it is. It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Sofia's head wasn't in the picture, the shot had been taken in half profile of her body, naked from the pants up, the waistband of her panties visible above a loose-fitting jeans-waist, hanging leisurely on her hips, one hand covering her breast while the other lay in shadow, the torso cut off at the neck. The flower was in the exact spot Eli had suggested and it looked amazingly realistic on the pale expanse of skin on Sofia's stomach. And it was way larger than Eli had thought it would be.

"When?" Was all Eli could bring out.

"Just a couple of days after the two of you had been here. She'd made her decision."

Eli stayed silent and Haley knew there was nothing more to say, so she started up the tattoo machine and began drawing gentle curves on Eli's arm.

"So back to this. Why the sudden change of heart? You said you never wanted anything in plain sight?"

"Because this is what it's all about, Haley. I want to be able to look at it, any time. It's what she wanted to tell me. What I was supposed to one day truly believe. And I'm getting there. I really am."

Eli watched how the bold and capital A formed on her arm.

_All is well._

The end

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you to every single one of you who kept reading, it means the world to me.<strong>

**Special thanks to the reviewers, for taking the time to leave a sentence or two or much more.**

**Most of all Jess, you've constantly given me reason to think, wonder, frown, scowl, immediately open up yet another white blank page and jot down new ideas triggered by your insight and comments, your understanding of what I was trying to say when I didn't even know fully myself, thanks for getting up in that messy head of mine and not minding my ramblings. And also, thank you for taking a final look over those last couple of chapters and smooth out some of my mistakes and finding more colourful, fitting ways to say some stuff where I just fail simply because I don't know how to articulate myself better at times. This wouldn't have been the same without all that, from your first outraged cry that I killed off Sara to your praise on the final chapter. Thanks! You're one amazing person as far as I'm concerned and you will just take that compliment without arguing, please.**

**Keep your eyes peeled, folks (if you like), there's stuff to finish and I don't suppose I'll run out of ideas for this fandom either any time soon...**


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